Stop The Thyroid Madness is an excellent website for anyone who is struggling or still showing symptoms despite being medicated.
Just because my eating disorder/hypothyroid combo isn’t already enough of a kick in the teeth, life walloped me with arm cellulite. I am a 31 year old vegetarian. I exercise everyday and I am currently in size 26 pants. The epicness of this total mind f**k is unparalleled.
*This is not my arm.
**This post is a total downer. I have avoided writing lately for the reason that this is all that will come out.
When I was in ballet school, I had a teacher who was a recovered alcoholic. He told me how when he was a famous dancer in a very well known company he had traveled all over the world on tour. He told me that he did not see the world. Instead, he sat in the bar of every hotel they stayed in and drank himself into oblivion while his fellow dancers went sightseeing. He has no memory of all the countries he has been to except for the insides of hotel bars and even those blurred into blackouts.
This man was a mentor to me when I was in training and we are still in touch all these years later. His success story is that he has stayed sober, married, had two children and become artistic director of a dance company of former addicts. I remember his story because it is so poignant for me. At the time I thought it was heartbreaking that he was such a drunk that he missed out on seeing the world because his life was controlled by alcoholism. I could see in him all the life he had missed out and even though I was deep in the clutches of ED, I did not know that the same would be true of me one day.
Cue this weekend. My company sent me to Montreal. I had never been before and had planned on going sightseeing. I put together an itinerary of famous landmarks, museums and art galleries. Rather, I ended up in my hotel room ordering room service and purging every night. On my last day I shared a cab ride to the airport with a dashing Frenchman. “Did you go out last night and enjoy the city?” he asked.
“No,” I replied searching for a lie that would sound plausible. “I had too much work to do.”
“What a great pity for you.”
What a great pity indeed.
I started two things this week.
1. The Insanity workout program.
2. The Cabbage Soup Diet
Since I am pretty sure that I am clinically insane, these made total sense to me. Recovery ended about 4 weeks ago and I am back to restricting most days and purging everyday.
On a positive note, I am still going to my recovery meetings every week. For the most part I sit there and watch the girl next to me eating donuts and fantasize about bingeing. It is a 12 step recovery program for all sorts of addicts so I am in a mixed small group with recovering alcoholics, drug users, EDs, sex abuse/addiction and a variety of other hard to pin point issues.
My biggest issue with this otherwise great program is that there is food at every meeting which gives me the giggles. I wonder how they would feel if I put vodka and cocaine on the food table? Seriously, who goes to recovery for ED when there are donuts around?! I ate my cauliflower, kept my f***ed up thoughts to myself and moved on.
My doctor upped my thyroid medication two weeks ago which should also help my uncontrollable weight gain. It will take some time to take effect but hopefully when I am no longer gaining weight just by breathing, it will be easier to focus on recovery. Every day I am astounded by the irony that after 20 years of ED, I got a disease that makes me fat.
I ask God every day why he tortures me.
I went to my church recovery support group tonight. On the way home I stopped for two veggie burgers, fries and onion rings. I inhaled them on the drive and left the evidence in my car so my roommate wouldn’t notice. At home I found 3/4 of a cake in my fridge and a bottle of wine to top it all off. I went upstairs and purged it all. I took a shower then fixated on my fat, ugly, naked reflection. I obsessed about the cellulite that I am riddled with. It is everywhere. I am only 31 as of this week. Single again, relapsed again and nothing to show for it except more cellulite.