Dating and Disorder

 

I am vomiting blood in a restaurant bathroom.

I shake from purging hard and fast and only realize it is time to stop when I see the tell-tale, bright, red swirls.

My boyfriend sits at the table, hopefully unaware of what I am up to, even though we have discussed my eating disorder at length during dinner. I have been as honest with him as I can without giving him details. So far he hasn’t asked for them. We have just enjoyed an Italian meal: bread, pasta, more bread and wine. Everything about our evening has been romantic except the disgusting amount of food I have consumed in front of him. I clean myself up, rub the teeth marks off my knuckles, smooth my hair down. I return to the table and smile at him. He raises an eyebrow at me, but he does not ask.

I am grateful that he has not got upset with me. We have only been dating a month and he has had many opportunities to fight me on my disordered behaviour, but he hasn’t. He tells me it is because I warned him not too. He says if it wasn’t for that warning he would have said something. I tell him that I am a lost cause – not to bother.

“I’m still going to try to feed you because I care for you,” he informs me. “Even if you refuse to eat.”

“I always feed the people I love! It’s how I care for them,” I reply. “It must be the Italian in me.”

“Except for yourself.” he says.

“What?”

“You feed the people you love, except you won’t feed yourself.”

I nod. I am not on the list of people who I love.

 

We have many conversations that touch on the subject and sometimes he is very forthright.

He asks about rehab. “Why did you drop out?”

“Which time do you mean?”

“Oh you’ve done this more than once?” he shakes his head, reality dawning on him as we leave a grocery store with celery for me. I have made him take me shopping for celery at 10pm and he has obliged without a fuss.

“I just don’t care any more. It doesn’t seem to matter after 22 years. I don’t want to be recovered and gain weight. I don’t even want to be this size. I can’t stand it,” I babble with an honesty that surprises me. I have never shared so much so soon (or ever) with anyone else before. I wonder if not hiding from him will be better or worse for our fledgling relationship.

“But I like you just the way you are. Maybe it will help that I like your body and that I care about you,” he looks at me a little bit too seriously. I look away. I can’t hold his gaze. I cannot tell him that no matter how much he loves me, I will never love myself. I am embarrassed that he knows about my disorder; I am not even remotely thin enough to justify it.

 

We go to the gym where he coaches fighters and he wraps my hands so that I can take a boxing class. My hands shake and I cannot stop them.

“Are you shaking from hunger or because you are nervous?” he steadies them with his hands.

“Don’t ask that question. I’ve been hungry since I was 10.”

 

I am standing in the grocery store aisle staring at rice crackers for a painfully long time.

“What’s the dilemma? Which flavour to get?”

“Calories,” I whisper. “Calories are always the dilemma.”  I feel my chest tightening. It is hard to breathe. I feel anxiety rising as though I am going to have a panic attack right there at the thought of consuming them. How do I explain to him that rice crackers have that effect on me without sounding like I am batshit crazy? I have already told him I am crazy. I even explained which special brand of crazy.

 

Another night we lie in bed after I get out the shower dizzy and nauseous. I haven’t been eating much unless I have been bingeing and purging. I try to control my breathing. My stomach hurts; I feel excruciatingly unwell.

He looks concerned. “Are you light-headed and dizzy again?”

I nod.

“Because of the H-word?”

I don’t understand him right away.

“Because you are hungry?”

“I’m always hungry,” I confess. “The degree just varies.”

He wraps me in his arms and holds me. I want to cry. At some point I know this will come between us. How long will he date me and tolerate this disorder? At what point will he look at me and hate me for who I am, the way that I have done since forever?

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How Not To Fall In Love

 

“You’ve lost weight! Are you in love?”

In love. Yes, I am in love. I am in love with a certainty that leads to starvation and then not just with the idea itself, but with the empty, gnawing feeling of it. I am in love with the notion of fading away because I am terrified to be present instead. I am in love with the knowledge that my demons will spare me the heart ache of being consumed by this relationship. Indeed, they will consume me until there is nothing left to love. Not for him. Not for me.

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A Day In The (Dysfunctional) Life Of

 

8am

Coffee, thyroid medication.

9am

More coffee, an hour at the gym with my foot in a cast.

11am

Celery and hummus.

1:30pm

More celery, more hummus, more coffee.

My coworker sits in my office and lectures me on eating (while he eats). He informs me that I will never have to wear a tutu and pink tights on stage again and therefore I should enjoy food. He mentions that I should get over my issues and I disagree telling him my demons keep me company.

“What do you want me to eat?” I ask as I shove celery down my throat and try not to gag.

“Bread,” he gestures with all of his Russian passion in the direction of my collar bones which seem to upset him. “It is so light; there is nothing in it.”

“I love bread so much. I dream about toast,” I confess like my soul depends upon it. It seems wrong to admit this; like I am betraying the wilting celery that is trying to nourish me.

“You need to eat some bread,” he is pleading with me now. “Good, grainy, dense bread.”

He is the devil. I shake my head as if to remove the picture of bread from my mind. He is always trying to get me to eat.

4pm

Dinner at a friend’s house: 4 plates of food, wine, cake. I sit at the table and start to sweat. Panic.

I will die of this feeling. I am out of control after restricting all day.

While they make coffee and dessert in the kitchen, I purge. The relief is instantaneous.

7pm

Fast food drive through on the way home from dinner:

2 veggie burgers, onion rings, 2 family size fries (to fill the hole in my heart where there should be a family). I sit in a parking lot as the rain pours down and I shake. I have found love on a Wednesday night. There is ketchup and comfort at the bottom of the brown, paper bag.

7:30

Purge, purge, purge.

8:30

Bubble bath and a conversation with my boyfriend on the phone: “I’m taking you out for your favourite Italian on Sunday night. Do you want to go on a picnic on Saturday? Maybe we could go to the mountains…I have some wine for Friday.”

I can hear the calories we are going to consume. I just want to lie in his arms and close my eyes and never eat again.

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Ignorance Is Deadly

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“You look like you’ve lost weight,” my doctor says. “Did you go to the weight loss program I referred you too?”

“No. I went on a starvation diet. I’ve stopped eating again.”

“A starvation diet?” Her eyes are wide; her eyebrows raised. “Do you have enough energy?”

“No, I have none.”

“Oh…” Silence. Awkward, uncomfortable silence. “I will be right back with your prescription. Anything else I can do for you?”

“No. I’m fine.”

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Secrets and Lies

 

“What kind of crazy are you?” he asks only half-jokingly as we sit around a fire under a late, summer moon.

“The regular kind of crazy,” I say without looking at him. “I’m just really weird about food.”

It isn’t the whole truth; it isn’t an outright lie.

 

My girlfriend asks me why I don’t just come out and tell him about my eating disorder. I guess that moment would have been my chance. We have been dating for 2 weeks and it is getting serious really fast, almost too fast. I am triggered by the overwhelming emotions that I cannot comprehend to keep starving.  It gives me an illusion of control as I struggle not to fall head over heels for him.

I have told him about my eating disordered past without flinching and I have demonstrated that it is still alive and well. We spent the whole weekend together and he saw me eat twice in 48 hours. Both times I ate celery and hummus. At one point I asked him to drive me to the store so that I could buy celery. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t want him too. In fact, when he asked me if he could lecture me about eating, I told him that it was off limits. He asked me if he could make me dinner and I said that I was full. He asked if I was really full or if I was just saying it. I know he sees it – I wonder when it will start to bother him. Last night we were talking about women’s bodies and I said that I wanted to lose more weight. He asked if I would tell him what I weighed and I said I couldn’t because it would make me cry.

I am alarmed when he tells me I am sexy and beautiful. I feel disgusted by myself. I don’t understand how he can like me.

I don’t want to tell him the whole truth because I want to continue to be disordered. I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t want to be questioned once he knows the whole truth. In time he will figure it out. I am just waiting for the day he does. When he walks away, I will not blame him. I would too.

 

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Too Big Too Small

 

I bought a high waisted pencil skirt for my date tonight. It is a size 2. It is too big in the waist and too small in the hips. I don’t want to go out because I am so fat.

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The Slow Fade

The comments started this week:

“You are so skinny.”

“She doesn’t eat.”

“You don’t look ok. Are you starving?”

“Aren’t you hungry? You’ve only had coffee all day.”

“It’s like you have ‘empty’ tattooed on your forehead.”

I ignore them because I can be thinner still. I have only lost 11lbs since the beginning of June. I have many more to go…the slow fade, the long waste away, the disappearing act. I am emptying myself of disillusion, of sorrow. I am comforted in my distress by the dull ache of starvation and the acute pain of hunger. I need not to need; not to want. I know no other way, but this: no food will fill me with the love I cannot give myself. I, so undeserving, have looked for it in another. It eludes me like my bones which will not show themselves.

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Day 11

 

“Wasn’t lunch almost five hours ago?” he asks as we sit watching his sons sports match.

“Who cares,” I respond, tanning myself and admiring my blubber in full sun light. It is mesmerizing in a disturbing way.

“I just thought we could get some dinner on the way home. Don’t you need to eat again?”

I look away and sigh, “Please don’t interrogate me about food. I just want to be left alone with my weird eating habits.”

I actually said it. I told him I don’t want to be asked what I ate, when I ate, how much I ate or if I need to eat again.

“But it’s my job to take care of you,” he says sadly. I cannot even look at him. “I just want to take care of you.”

I don’t ask him if he wants to babysit my demons while I go and binge eat pizza.

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