Tag Archives: workout

Maybe Moving On Or Getting Back to “Normal”

I finally got tired of my reflection. My boyfriend posted photos of us from a weekend away on social media and someone had the audacity to ask me (not-so-subtly) if I was expecting. I know I have put on weight since the miscarriage. I am guesstimating 7-10lbs from how I look and how my clothes don’t fit. Honestly, I am too terrified to step on my scale until I have dropped some weight.

After the weekend and the hurtful comments, I looked at my pudgy arms in the mirror while I was applying eye liner. They have become soft and shapeless like my heart after I lost the baby. “Enough,” I told myself. “It’s enough now.”

I’ve been back to gym 3 days in a row. There was no shoe shopping involved or sandwich motivation (where I buy myself food for going to workout). I felt more energetic, less depressed. Perhaps this was the turning of a corner? I don’t want to get my hopes up too soon. I have found that this grief knows no end; some days I am fine and others I am broken.

I have binged once and purged once. I have actively restricted a few times. I knew that eventually I would get back to “normal”, but so far it hasn’t been so vicious. Part of me wants a healthy body to have another baby and part of me just wants my agony to show itself in bones.

The truth is, one day I was pregnant and my life had changed forever. A few weeks later I was no longer pregnant and my life could not go back to what it was before. There is no normal after that.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Work Out

I finally went back to gym today.

After nearly 4 weeks of being depressed and unmotivated, I dragged myself there and it felt good. I sweated and exercised long past the burn. I remembered endorphins and exhaustion and how satisfying it is to pound my anxiety away. Sadly, last night I caught my reflection whilst wearing a bikini. The extra girth and heaviness and cellulite was upsetting. I think I haven’t fully acknowledged how much size I have gained in the past 2 months. I am not brave enough yet to weigh myself.

I did however, come home, eat dinner, purge it, eat second dinner with my boyfriend and purge that too. Everything else today was coffee and celery. I feel like I am back on track.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comfort and Control

It starts as soon as I slip back into my routine. Seemless, ceaseless, sneaking up on me and surprising me in a way that is sadly familiar and exhilarating.

After a month of traveling, being on holiday, dealing with chronic kidney problems, I have been eating like there will be no consequences. Part of me was terrified of being so sick, being in hospital every other week for four months, thinking I was probably dying just when life seemed perfect. I ate to nourish myself – not to binge. I ate for health – not to process overwhelming emotions. I ate “normally” using my kidneys to excuse the inexcusable: food.

Today the anxiety was there, waiting. For the first time in a month I contemplated purging. I had the urge to restrict, to count calories, to revisit “safe” foods: rice cakes, egg whites, celery. I felt the rush, the accelerating heart rate that accompanies starvation and fear. I plot my gym work outs for the week. I taste the emptiness. I long for the control I have lost to comfort.

I know it will kill me, but I don’t seem to care.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gym Obsession

Gym Obsession

If this is true, then my fat cries a lot but evidently it is not upset enough to move out.

Gym is my latest obsession. I am worshiping at the alter of thin – again. In pursuit of (skinny) perfection, I track my calories as penance and confess their consumption to anyone who will listen, in the hopes that I will be absolved. I still pay for my sins. The only good thing is that I seem to be bingeing and purging less. But this is still ED in it’s many forms. I cannot deny the truth. It is gospel and I am a believer.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Insanity and Cabbage Soup

Insanity and Cabbage Soup

I started two things this week.

1. The Insanity workout program.
2. The Cabbage Soup Diet

Since I am pretty sure that I am clinically insane, these made total sense to me. Recovery ended about 4 weeks ago and I am back to restricting most days and purging everyday.

On a positive note, I am still going to my recovery meetings every week. For the most part I sit there and watch the girl next to me eating donuts and fantasize about bingeing. It is a 12 step recovery program for all sorts of addicts so I am in a mixed small group with recovering alcoholics, drug users, EDs, sex abuse/addiction and a variety of other hard to pin point issues.

My biggest issue with this otherwise great program is that there is food at every meeting which gives me the giggles. I wonder how they would feel if I put vodka and cocaine on the food table? Seriously, who goes to recovery for ED when there are donuts around?! I ate my cauliflower, kept my f***ed up thoughts to myself and moved on.

My doctor upped my thyroid medication two weeks ago which should also help my uncontrollable weight gain. It will take some time to take effect but hopefully when I am no longer gaining weight just by breathing, it will be easier to focus on recovery. Every day I am astounded by the irony that after 20 years of ED, I got a disease that makes me fat.

I ask God every day why he tortures me.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,