Monthly Archives: January 2015

Anxiety

Connections & Relationship between Anxiety and Eating Disorders

Often, it is the case that anxiety precedes an eating disorder. In struggling with severe anxiety, for instance, being able to control the aspect of one’s life, such as food, weight, and exercise, indirectly gives the suffer a false sense of control, which can temporarily relieve symptoms experienced due to anxiety. Now the man or woman has a dual diagnosis of an eating disorder and anxiety. These learned behaviors however, can inadvertently lead to the development of an eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/anxiety

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-food-is-family/201209/eating-disorders-and-social-anxiety

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Comfort and Control

It starts as soon as I slip back into my routine. Seemless, ceaseless, sneaking up on me and surprising me in a way that is sadly familiar and exhilarating.

After a month of traveling, being on holiday, dealing with chronic kidney problems, I have been eating like there will be no consequences. Part of me was terrified of being so sick, being in hospital every other week for four months, thinking I was probably dying just when life seemed perfect. I ate to nourish myself – not to binge. I ate for health – not to process overwhelming emotions. I ate “normally” using my kidneys to excuse the inexcusable: food.

Today the anxiety was there, waiting. For the first time in a month I contemplated purging. I had the urge to restrict, to count calories, to revisit “safe” foods: rice cakes, egg whites, celery. I felt the rush, the accelerating heart rate that accompanies starvation and fear. I plot my gym work outs for the week. I taste the emptiness. I long for the control I have lost to comfort.

I know it will kill me, but I don’t seem to care.

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I Am The Girl Your Mother Warned You About

“let me be stone.
Glass heart.
Empty.
Hollowed out body.
Cruel.
Let me be the monster I wish to be.”

Thought Catalog

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I am the girl your mother warned you about.
The mythical siren,
with lovesick sailors at my feet.
Shipwrecked from one look.
You think there is an olive branch in my eyes,
but I am not one to surrender.
Wave your flags and admit your own defeat.

I will break them before they ever have a chance to break me.

I am the girl who promises the whole world.
I weave tales of grand adventure,
but leave you at the county line.
Call me the one who got away because I’m always running.
And will never turn around to see if you’re chasing.
I wait for nothing,
let them all wait for me.

I am cold and calculating.
I wear a crown of broken hearts in my hair,
And keep a list of future prospects under my bed.
I feel nothing at all.
I swallow your confessions for dessert
and…

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Hope and Despair

2014 started off with so much despair. I left home, leaving my family behind, which took me months to recover from. I was rattled and ready to leave the country. I questioned my life here and once again was stuck between staying or giving up everything I have worked so hard for. I never know which one is right.  I dropped out of the ED 12 step program I had been in and once again was purging and overexercising and losing the weight I had gained in “recovery”.

In the summer I started dating my now boyfriend. Having met eight years ago, this was sudden and unexpected. Despite dealing with a lot of anxiety over our relationship and the many complications that go along with dating a man with children, I ended the year with hope. We kissed each other at midnight on New Year’s Eve, tears of happiness trickling down both our faces.

The last few months were not free of ED, despite the happiness I felt, and because of it, I have been very sick. Anyone who suffers from ED knows that everything is a trigger in a relationship. Even now, at peace with the situation and in love, I am not free of anxiety. It is something us ED sufferers contend with on a level no one can understand. I have tried to explain to my boyfriend what it is like. In the last two weeks I ran the gamut of emotions: breaking up with him although I didn’t want to, staying with him, not knowing which was right in the circumstances. A lot of it is rooted in my anxiety which overwhelms everything. After we finally talked on the weekend I felt peaceful. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have moments of anxiousness or fear. For the past few days, I have just wanted to be held, to hold on to him and not let go, now that my heart has decided. He has been there for me; my rock. Holding me in the night when I start to panic, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me. The other day, I imagined a life free of ED with this man, being healthy enough to enjoy that life together. It was a beautiful thought.

I am looking at 2015 with all the hope we have for that life together. This year has started very differently to the last one. Long may it continue.

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Paying For My Mistakes

 

My mother warned me when I was young that my ED would cause my kidneys to fail.

I’m scared. I went to hospital again on Tuesday for the same kidney infection that I have had since October. Despite IV antibiotics, this is the third time in as many months that I am being treated for the same thing. It won’t go away and I don’t know why. I am wait listed to see a specialist and in the mean time, I keep getting sick and it is terrifying.

Last time I was in hospital the doctor warned me that I could go into renal failure. It scared me enough to stop purging because of the extra stress that puts on my kidneys. I tried purging twice after my last hospital stint and was in so much pain the next day that I haven’t purged again in a month. Not purging has triggered all sorts of ED anxiety over weight gain. It has, however stopped me from bingeing which in the long run is a good thing.

I have been so sick that I haven’t been able to work out in nearly 2 months now. I am starting to realize just how much this is impacting my quality of life. On Tuesday I sat in the ER crying. I am too young to be losing out on life because I am sick all the time. We couldn’t go out for New Year’s Eve because I was sick. I have had to miss out on so many things in the last couple of months  – work included – because I am so ill.

I started to panic that this may somehow be the unraveling of everything. All the years of abuse have finally caught up with me and my body is breaking down. I never loved myself enough to care and now that I love someone else and want a life with them, I am facing the reality of paying for what I have done. Last night I lay in bed with my boyfriend, the anxiety suffocating me. We are talking about moving in together, getting married and having children. I silently wonder if I am about to lose him and all we are dreaming of because of my ED. The irony of it is not lost on me. This man loves me enough to give me the life I have always wanted. I don’t even want to voice these thoughts and fears to him. Last night I told him I was so scared. “I am scared for you too,” he said.

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