About The Fat Ballerina

In case you were wondering, that image is a Botero ballerina. All you have to do is google ‘fat ballerina’ to see it come up. I also chose ‘chunk’ as my theme for this blog because it seemed fitting in a warped sort of way.

I am a 30 year old ballerina who has suffered from some form of ED or another since I was 10. I started out with anorexia, graduated to bulimia (including exercise bulimia), currently have orthorexia and any time in between have been diagnosed with EDNOS when I am not one thing or the other. I have weighed as much as 170 lbs (when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism) and as few as  100 lbs on a 5’9″ frame. I have abused diet drugs and laxatives and pain killers (who hasn’t?). I am currently around  120lbs  138lbs  147lbs which I am not happy about (who would be?). During all my years of ED I never made it to being skeletal thin and at times have been rather heavy. I struggled with the idea that I was ‘sick’ but didn’t look like it.  On this blog I will try to refrain from specifics regarding weight or too many triggering ideas in articles. I like the idea of us being a community fighting ED on a daily basis with acceptance of each other and without judgement. Some days it is encouraging to know that we are never alone in this struggle.

I am 3/4 vegetarian and 1/4 vegan and 100% nuts when it comes to food. I am technically ‘recovered’ although I use that word loosely because everyday is a work in progress and relapses are a recurring problem for me. This blog is a snippet of life as it is for those of us with this affliction. I am passionate about animals (that is why I don’t eat them), I like yoga (who doesn’t?) and matcha lattes and I have read almost every eating disorder memoir ever written. I hike, I camp, I pray, I dance, I write, I take photos,  I walk and run and bike, I drink wine in copious amounts when I am not counting calories. I take long bubble baths. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends in my life. I am just an ordinary woman trying to live every day to its fullest with or without (hopefully!) ED.

You can also contact me at thefatballerinablogs@yahoo.com.

45 thoughts on “About The Fat Ballerina

  1. I just read your whole blog….I know what you are going through. I have been there. Your life is miserable, you are hungry, you are tired, you are sick of obsessing about food and you wish you were…well, dead. At least, that is how I felt when I was there. Your tendencies – that was ME. The sleeping through hunger, the exercise, the food “tricks”, the restaurant anxiety and the food envy. OMG – it’s like reading my thoughts 10 years ago. I know that recovery is SUPER scary, but I promise you, recovery is a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now. It takes time, but you can (and will) get there. It is almost better if you tell your loved ones and friends what is going on with you. That way, they can understand your feelings and anxieties associated with food. That is what I did and with the help of my husband and mother-in-law, I overcame the crazy cycle. They will help you ease you into normal food situations. Honestly, you may never have a “normal” relationship with food, but it can be controlled. I do not have anxiety attacks about food or obsess about it. Sure, I want to eat donuts and ice cream till I combust, but it doesn’t affect my state of being anymore. Freedom, at last.

    Just wanted to give you some hope. And FYI: I am here – if you ever need to talk.

  2. Laura says:

    hey! I wanted to let you know my book is now available. Hope you’ll check it out on the front page of my website http://www.laurasusanneyochelson.com

  3. kanundra says:

    You are defo not alone, it is a fight, but fight we must. 🙂

  4. A Girl With Many Flaws says:

    We must never give up because as I keep telling myself we will come out stronger on the other side.

  5. Hi! I hope you don’t mind, I nominated you for an award. You can check it out here: http://notallaboutcats.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/is-it-awards-season-already/

  6. I read your blog and I feel sad. Sad for you, and sad for me. Sad for all the people who do and did suffer from eating disorders. There’s something tragically heartbreaking about so many individuals working so hard to destroy themselves, who really just want to be able to love themselves.

    Life is worth living, and there’s always hope for tomorrow. I hope you are one day able to reconcile yourself to yourself.

  7. Mel fallowfield says:

    Hi there, I hope you don’t mind me contacting you like this. My name is mel and I’m a journalist over in England. I stumbled across your blog and found it incredible – your honesty is so moving. I wondered whether you might be interested in chatting to me about the possibility of doing an article with me for a women’s magazine. Please do email me on mel.fallowfield@btinternet.com and I can explain it further. Meanwhile I wish you all the very best in your journey,
    Yours mel

  8. By the way, I’ve been reading your blog, and I know that we don’t know one another except through the words we’ve put out into the universe and respectively stumbled upon, but I want you to know that, if you ever need me, you are more than welcome to reach out. I’ll be here, even if it’s only to listen.

    • Same goes here too. Reading your blog strikes a cord. So difficult to talk to anyone in person about all off this because it is so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have an ED the grip it takes, the hold it has over you, the irrational thoughts and the inability to shut it out. Stay strong x

  9. Hi there I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic blog. I am a 33 year old guy who is still struggling with Binge Eating Disorder and I can identify with a lot of what you are saying. I am busy changing my blog around to try and raise awareness about men with eating disorders as not very many of us come forward to talk about it and if we do we are often fobbed off a lot before we finally get taken seriously. I am still on my journey to recovery and I am working every day to get back to a happier me.
    Keep up the good work you are doing in coping and if you ever need an ear to bend feel free to get in touch 🙂

  10. macyann3 says:

    congratulations; I’ve nominated you for an award!
    http://movingon3lettinggo.wordpress.com/

  11. Sabrina says:

    I just found your blog through the vegan eating disorder e-card (to be honest, I was googling anorexic ballerinas). I have been through all sorts of eating disorders too and have “recovered” since I went vegan three years ago. Basically I’m still maintaining my lowest weight by telling myself I don’t like the taste of anything else except salad and smoothies. I’m an expert at convincing myself I am eating enough. And through all these years, nobody ever knew, my current boyfriend knows vaguely that “I didn’t eat”, but wouldn’t understand anyway. I’ve given up the hope to ever “eat normal” again, but at least things aren’t getting worse.
    Have you ever been to therapy?

    Wishing you all the best from the bottom of my heart. Stay strong.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m sorry that you have suffered with this all this for years and no one knows about it.

      I have been to therapy various times but have never really ‘recovered’. What upsets me is that I can no longer maintain a low weight.

      I wish you well too and would love to hear more about your story. Thanks for commenting!
      FB

  12. royaltyandrainbows says:

    My new blog is at http://xrayremote.wordpress.com/

  13. royaltyandrainbows says:

    You should send me an email.

  14. lilavanhoe says:

    I nominated you for the Shine On Awards! Peep the rules on my blog. Thanks for ruling. http://whyrecover.wordpress.com/

  15. An eating disorder is a crutch but it is, by no means, your legs. It’s an affliction that seems to solve all the other problems of life through no logical sense and no actual problem solving. It may always be part of you, but it may not always define and run you.

    After a few relapses and continual toe dipping, I know I’ve been doing pretty well for a few years and now I’m all preggers which means I HAVE to gain weight. Woo, that’s a tough one to deal with, but I do as best as I can for me and the little guy who apparently is hungry all the time and likes to get his nourishment (weird, right?).

    Happiness is far greater than being as skinny as one can be, but it doesn’t make it any easier to insert fork in food and insert in facial orifice.

    Good luck and I hope that progress evolves to a new status quo, and that you don’t have to struggle over a nutrition label or dinner menu and learn to live in the moment, carrots, cupcakes, and all.

    • Congrats on the baby! I know pregnancy can help a lot of ED sufferers or be completely triggering. Let me know where you’re at and how it all goes. It is amazing to think of how resilient our bodies are after all that abuse. They survive in spite of us!

  16. Em says:

    your blog resonates with me so much! thank you for your honesty and good luck.

  17. We have so much in common! I just joined. I hope you follow me as I start to write and you see how similar we are! 🙂

  18. jellyjennybean says:

    Hey! I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. http://findinglittleme.wordpress.com/2014/04/05/liebster-blog-award/

  19. LFFL says:

    I wish you all the best on this journey!

  20. actually you are extra-ordinary!

  21. bendy mind says:

    I love your blog by the way! Wish there was a like button on the posts, I’d like so many of them. You just show that high functioning people can suffer this bogus.

  22. littlevoicetalks says:

    Nominated you for a Leibster award. all on my post ‘Wow – Liebster Nomination!’ xx

  23. I admire your courage. Thanks for the follow! Good luck in your continued recovery, I know how much of a struggle it is.

  24. I felt moved to tell you of Shaye Boddington. She has heaps of free stuff about battling bulimia plus a program which I swear I am not trying to promote just inform. We all have our own recovery journey and your delightful blog helps sufferers get their lovely precious souls out of denial. ❤

  25. M.J.Neely says:

    Hi,

    I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blog Award.

    You can see the details of the award at this link: http://deardarlingsanity.com/2015/03/21/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    I hope you have a nice day,
    Neely, xx

  26. Send me an email on my blog when you have time. I forgot your email address. *sheepish grin*

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