Monthly Archives: June 2013

Another Day, Another Attempt At Recovery

Another Day, Another Attempt At Recovery

Last night I resisted the urge to purge after dinner at a friend’s house where I drank too much wine and ate too much cheese and had too much fun.

Today I resisted the urge to binge after seeing my ex-boyfriend biking down the road in my neighbourhood. Instead, I went to the grocery store and went on a fruit rampage. I feel like I have forgotten how to eat real food. I drink protein/green supplements and choose only safe foods from a really restricted list or I binge, purge and starve. I snack but I rarely eat a meal that stays down.

At the grocery store, I bought one of everything that took my fancy:
a pear
a nectarine
a banana
a peach
an apricot
a banana
a papaya
a mango
a kiwi
a grapefruit
blueberries
cherries
grapes

I have such a restricted list of safe foods, that I can’t remember when I last ate any fruit other than grapes.

I have been trying to stick to healthier, vegan eating and resist the urge to starve, binge, purge and abuse laxatives. I have been going to yoga almost everyday.

I still hate the sight of my body and whenever I eat healthier for a few days, I feel like I have blown up and expanded too much. I can only keep this up for a few days at a time before I have an ED episode. Still, another day of resisting ED is better than nothing even if I am not strong enough to quell the urge tomorrow. I could have used seeing my ex as an excuse to be traumatized enough to binge. I didn’t.

I felt all sorts of things when I saw him cycling by nonchalantly: loss, heartbreak, sadness, rage, anger, abandonment, relief, peace…. It has been almost 7 months now since I left him and ended all contact with him and I reminded myself that I could still be in that situation anytime I wanted. Loving him did not mean that he loved me. Leaving him did not mean that I didn’t love him but, I deserve better than what he had to offer. My heart just takes too long to let go.

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Fat Anorexics

Fat Anorexics

My friend Livvy at lyricsonthelake did a post on the classification of anorexia not so long ago. Many people are anorexic (myself included at times), but will never be diagnosed because of the weight criteria as set out in DSM-IV. Will the criteria every change?

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Eating Disorder Blogs

Eating Disorder Blogs

From Healthline: a roundup of the “best” eating disorder blogs.

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The Mirror is a Mind F**K

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These are not “before and after” photos. I took these photos of myself this morning in two different mirrors. The first one is the mirror I bought yesterday to help my weight loss. The second one is my roommates mirror. I put them side by side, completely upright, in the same light and snapped away.

What a mind f**k! I never post photos of myself or stats on my hideous body on this blog, especially because (as you can see by the photos) I have gained so much weight lately and can’t cope with how I look. I had to post these. I don’t know which one is me. I hope to God the first mirror is not right. I am huge, fat, ugly etc, but my new mirror is definitely a “fat” mirror. Anyone with ED knows a “fat” mirror, because we scrutinize ourselves daily in as many mirrors as we come into contact with.

What is upsetting me is that now I don’t know if the second mirror is correct or not. I have been borrowing it for the last  6 months from my roommate as I have not had a full length mirror since I moved. I thought getting one would give me motivation to keep track of my ballooning body and lose weight again.

I am not sure what this mirror is going to do to me except perhaps, kill me. I know ED sufferers are supposed to have BDD and not be able to tell what their body actually looks like. Mine actually looks like one of those. Both are hideous but, which one is telling the truth?

 

PS: I am severely embarrassed by how fat I am in both of these photos. Now I wish I had posted my thin shots on this blog! Sorry for the barf inducing visual.

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Bad Hair Day

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I chopped off half my hair today.

I came home from a work lunch, binged, purged and chopped my hair off.

I have had fine, thin hair all my life, but a few years ago when I got hypothyroidism, half my hair fell out. Since then, no matter what medication or supplements I take, my hair remains thin. Even my hairdresser joked that she couldn’t give me extensions because there are “only four hairs to stick them on”. I’m sure ED doesn’t help the situation, but I know it is not the main cause. After my break up at Christmas, I lost even more hair. In six months, none has grown back.

I do everything I can for my poor hair. I don’t heat style, I put coconut oil in it and I wash it with fancy argon oil shampoo that is free of anything bad. Nothing gives. Today I styled it (a rarity) and half an hour later looked in the mirror. Three, sad, limp rats’ tails hung down my back. It gave me rage.

All my life I have wanted long, gorgeous locks. Ballerinas mostly have long hair for wearing in a bun and to me there is nothing more feminine or beautiful than long hair. I have had it as long as mid shoulder blades lately. It won’t grow longer or thicker and I can’t wear it down because it is so ratty.

Today, as I have done before, I fantasized about chopping my shitty, measly pony tail off. And I did. I didn’t go to a hairdresser (I spend all my money on binges). After purging, I grabbed my scissors and hacked it off.

I now have a thin, limp, ugly, shoulder length bob. If only the rest of me could be thin too.

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Thyroid Conditions.

Thyroid Conditions.

I suffer from hypothyroidism and struggled to get a diagnosis as I was within the ‘normal’ range but, I exhibited all the symptoms of the disease. Even though I take synthetic T4 everyday, I still struggle with low energy and weight gain as well as a whole host of other symptoms.

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When Your Mother Says She Is Fat

When Your Mother Says She Is Fat

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French Toast (Or How To Be Normal)

French Toast (Or How To Be Normal)

I ate French toast today. I have not eaten French toast in 20 years. I know this because I can remember the day I last ate it.

The friends who are housing me during my mandatory evacuation from a flood zone, have been feeding me. At first I panicked without my safe foods and the lack of opportunity to purge or exercise. Eventually, I had a few glasses of wine and gave in. It was like a 3 day holiday from ED.

On day one, they made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. My mind churned….I don’t eat egg yolks. I don’t eat bread. I don’t eat butter on my bread or jam or nutella. I had one slice of dry toast and the eggs.

On day two, my friends made scrambled eggs and pancakes. I ate the scrambled eggs but had 2 pieces of toast instead of pancakes and syrup. I picked up a knife and spread Becel and raspberry jam on my toast. I can’t remember when I last tasted jam. I used to love it when I was a child. My favourite kind was apricot jam and it was home made by a lady who lived in the Eastern Highlands. My parents stockpiled it whenever we were there. Sometimes I dream about that jam.

On the third day, my friends made French toast and smoothies. As I have no portion control, I either eat everything or nothing. So I ate everything and smothered it in light syrup. I left the table in a carb coma and with a belly ache.

I went to yoga this afternoon and relayed my crazy, non-ED breakfast too my friend.

“Who eats French toast?!” I yelled.
“Normal people,” she replied
I thought about that for a while.
“I had 5 pieces,” I confessed.
“And you enjoyed them, didn’t you?” she replied. “They were good, weren’t they?”
I nodded surreptitiously, ashamed in case the ED police saw me admit enjoying food. I went to hot yoga and tried to burn it off.

Later when I went home to B&P dinner, I thought about it some more. Breakfast had been fun. My “normal” friends and I had cooked together, laughed, eaten, made smoothies, played with the baby, joked and eaten some more. It was the most fun I had had at breakfast time in a long time. I was with people I loved, who were taking such good care of me and they loved me regardless of ED and its many crazy manifestations.

Breakfast to me is about control and denial. I toss back vegan protein powder mixed with quinoa milk. I “allow” myself a few measly calories, some much needed protein and I deny myself anything I would really like. Breakfast sets the tone for the day.

As much fun as French toast was, I don’t know that I can repeat that too soon. But, maybe it won’t be 20 years until the next time I do.

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Amy Winehouse Killed By Bulimia

Amy Winehouse Killed By Bulimia

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Disaster Zone

Disaster Zone

The city I live in has declared a state of emergency due to the worst floods in its history. I was evacuated on Thursday night because I live near one of the rivers that flooded. The city has been devastated and is still submerged. The city has been shut down.

I was lucky because I had wonderful friends that took me and my cats in and my house (as far as I know), has not been submerged because it is not ground level and is (hopefully) far enough from the water. There have been power outages, bridges and roads have been washed away. I have seen news photos of a police search and rescue boat cruising down what used to be the main road in my neighbourhood. Some people have been very badly affected, lives have been lost and the after math is going to be epic. I have been blessed to get off so lightly. Keep that in mind as you read the rest of my post.

When the police came to evacuate me on Thursday night, I was totally unprepared. I wasn’t aware how drastic the situation was and am guilty of not taking it seriously enough. At that point they were only evacuating parts of my neighbourhood but, it escalated really quickly. I went home and was having a shower and getting ready for a date when the police knocked on my door. They told me to pack for 72 hours and get out as fast as possible.

As usual, I went into full panic mode and didn’t think straight. My phone was buzzing every few minutes with texts and calls from concerned friends and my date. I threw a few clothes in a bag and some toiletries and meds. I packed up the cats and all their paraphernalia and started getting everything in the car. I hid my jewellery box, forgot my important documents and checked my place was locked up securely. We were required to tape an “X” on our doors to show we had evacuated. I spoke to some panicked neighbours as I ran – literally – for the hills. There was thunder and lightening and a torrential downpour as I tried to navigate the road out, avoiding the bridge that had already been closed by police. There were fire trucks out, road blocks, helicopters and as I looked back, I saw the river bursting its banks, flooding parks and cascading over the bridge. It was real. It was serious. It was terrifying to see the destructive forces of water. It came so fast that it was hard to fathom.

Staying with my friends has been amazing. They are my family here in town. Of course, it has not been good for ED because I have to modify my crazy behaviour around normal people. I am camped out in their basement with my cats and so is another friend so there is no purging or laxative abuse after everyone has gone to bed.

Part of me looked at it as a respite from the constant barrage of ED and ate happily and part of me freaked out. I am not in control. Brunch was put on the table and my plate had scrambled eggs (with yolks and 1% milk) and 2 pieces of toast. I never eat bread and I only eat egg whites. I realized that this gorgeous meal is so far away from my reality of what food is. It crossed my mind as I was fleeing my home to pack some of my safe foods but, I honestly didn’t think I would be gone for very long. I also (sort of) acknowledged to myself that only a crazy person would do that in the middle of a disaster.

Now that I have been gone 48 hours and have no idea when I will return home here is a list of things I wish I had taken:

1. All my valuables (passport, birth certificate, jewellery)
2. A scoop for the kitty litter (this one needs no explanation)
3a. More clothes (specifically underwear) as I only took enough for 2 days. I later read on the news that we were supposed to pack for a week.
3b. Socks đŸ™‚
4. My ED safe foods – vegan protein powder, quinoa milk, iron supplement (1st world problems) etc….
5. Green tea

Strange things I did arrive with:
1. 3 books and 2 journals (don’t ask how that happened)
2. My yoga mat and workout clothes (I honestly believed I would go to ballet and yoga on Friday before they shut the city down)
3. Vegan snacks
4. A bottle of champagne that was in my car boot
5. Two eyeshadow palettes (wtf?)

Luckily I had my laptop and cell phone on me (I take them with my everyday). I was smart enough to pack my chargers when I was home packing like a maniac.

I have no idea when I might get back home. At this point they have no idea when they might lift the mandatory evacuation. Until then, I keep putting Bailey’s in my coffee (calorific) and keep trying to limit the amount of binge eating I do as when I finally get back to “normal” I will have a lot of damage control to do. The house is littered with chips, cookies, chocolate and booze and I find it hard to resist as we make this state of emergency “fun”. We can’t go anywhere as the roads are closed so our days revolve around meals and snacks (and booze).

We did manage to make it to a grocery store yesterday and it looked like it was under siege. People were shopping like it was the zombie apocalypse and essentials (like bottled water) had already run out. I did manage to find some tofu, vegetables and hummus. It was scary to see the mentality of people in the time of a crisis as the stockpiled food, water and petrol. For the most part, this disaster has been well organized, well managed by first responders and people have been helpful, generous and kind.

In the meantime, I am grateful to be warm and dry and well fed in this time of crisis. I just wish ED would stop clamouring for attention. Part of me is enjoying being “normal” with my friends and part of me is freaking out at the lack of control.

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