Breakups and Binges

I binged. And purged. For the first time in a couple of months of recovery, I relapsed. I cannot even remember the last time I threw up because it has been that long. It coincided with me breaking up with my boyfriend and the end of a twelve day cleanse.

This is not unusual for me to cope with pain this way, but I am disappointed in myself. I chose to end a relationship that started out with so much promise four months ago. The hurt that I caused him choked me. The words he said to me cut me up. Why do we hurt people that we love or care about in the end? He gave me a lot of courage to leave ED behind and he will never know the blessing that has been to me.

The cleanse was a dumb idea on my part. It was restrictive not in the amount of calories but in the types of foods and today I decided that I would mourn the ending of this relationship with a binge. Initially I fully intended not to purge. I guess old habits die hard.

On Thursday I go to “Freedom Sessions” which is a Christian 12 step program for people in recovery. If you can find a church near you offering this then I highly urge you to go. It is unlike any other recovery program that I have been to. The best part of it is that it doesn’t identify you by your disorder. You are not a bulimic or an anorexic or even worse EDNOS (no man’s land). You are you. ED is something you struggle with not a part of who you are in spirit, soul or body.

Souls

Fat

I’m On a Detox

I don’t know if this is the best idea I have ever had, especially as I am in “recovery”. I have been gaining weight at an alarming rate and this is what always sends me sprinting back to ED. I cannot cope. No matter how healthy I eat and how much exercise I do, I just keep getting bigger. My clothes don’t fit. My reflection disgusts me.

My girlfriend tried this detox/cleanse and raved about it. She told me she had so much energy, felt amazing and had lost 8lbs in six days (taking her down to 110lbs). I figured it would be a good way to distract myself from relapsing entirely. Guess what? I have done it for 4 full days – it lasts for 12 days – and I feel nothing. Actually, scratch that, I feel exceptionally angry today. I do not feel amazing and I have most certainly not lost even 1lb. Of course the weight loss was my motivation to give this a try. I hit a low on the weekend when actually took a pregnancy test because I didn’t believe I was actually this fat without another valid reason.

The detox is called “WIld Rose”. The diet that goes along with the pills and liquid is easy to follow: no dairy, no wheat or gluten, no booze, no processed foods and nothing that is high in sugar or fermented allowed. Twenty percent of your diet comes from meat, fish, eggs or tofu (I’m vegan), and the other eighty percent is made up from a decent list of fruits and vegetables as well as grains like quinoa, oats, freekah etc. You can have unsweetened almond milk and can even drink coffee on this program. I have, as evidenced by my blog, gone on way more extreme “diets” before so I find this one easy to follow.

I have, however, noticed that today the urge to binge is significantly higher than it has been in a while. Whenever I am restricting in some way, I compensate by bingeing. So, I will see if I can last another 8 days on this detox but something has got to give. More than ever, I feel like I am about to pack in this recovery lark and just relapse. It is what I do. It is what I know. It works (for the most part) and I can actually tolerate myself when I am thinner. At this point in recovery, I have never loathed the sight of my humongous body more. It is grotesque and revolting and offensive.

I Got So Fat I Took A Pregnancy Test

True story.

Now, I am not the psycho that wishes I was pregnant (especially as I am beginning to doubt the validity of this relationship), but I have been so shocked at how much weight I have gained recently that I thought there must honestly be another reason. I looked at myself in the mirror and had a sinking feeling that something else was going on other than “recovery”.

Apparently, not. I am really, sadly, just this fat.

Musings From The Lofty Heights Of Recovery

I cannot remember the last time I purged. It has been a few weeks which in my world is nothing short of a miracle. I am still uncomfortable in this body, at this weight and size. That is the hardest part of recovery: acceptance. I made the mistake of looking at photos of myself from a year ago when I was at least 10-15lbs lighter than I am now. I still think I looked better then. I still want to look like that. I know I can look like that any time I want as long as I return to ED. For me, that always feels like it is just around the corner because I have never survived the process of recovery long enough to actually be well in any sense of the word.

Recovery is hard. It is harder than I ever remember it. I have been out of town for two weeks staying with friends and traveling with my boyfriend, which meant that I was not in control of when, what or how much I ate. It caused me anxiety. It reminded me that ED is alive and well and active in my life. My girlfriend served me waffles for breakfast (smothered in cream and syrup). She gave me pizza and wine for dinner. The loss of control even from my regime of recovery overwhelms me. I cannot even stick to my exercise regime. I go to bed each night certain that I will not last another day eating like this. I wriggled in to my size 26 skinny jeans last night and nearly cried. They hung off me just a few months ago.

I had my first fight with my boyfriend this week (we have been dating 3 months now). We spent five days together in which I discovered that he flies by the seat of his pants and the structure, scheduling, planning and details that I thrive on where nowhere to be seen. I was out of my depth (for real: we hiked 45km in 2 days). Usually I would have got through a fight with a massive binge/purge session that went on for days. Today I have sat here with my feelings of disappointment and anger and sadness. I have not died from them. They have filled me, weighed me down, made me squirm. Usually I would have starved these feelings away. Today I have faced the (very real) possibility that despite a promising start, this might be the end of us. It has not killed me. I still feel uncomfortable sitting here with these feelings just as I felt uncomfortable last night eating nachos with my friends and not purging after. I do not know what it means to feel. I only know what it means to numb pain or to create physical pain to subdue the emotional anguish I am in. The silence from him echoes. It is deafening. ED is clamouring to be let back in so that I can make it through this. ED will silence everything, I know.

I still want to count calories, to restrict, to wake up thinner tomorrow and maybe, just maybe pretend that I can be thin enough and recovered at the same time.

Today I have the faith to hang on to recovery for just one more day. Tomorrow I pray for that same faith in case I stumble along the way.