I started two things this week.
1. The Insanity workout program.
2. The Cabbage Soup Diet
Since I am pretty sure that I am clinically insane, these made total sense to me. Recovery ended about 4 weeks ago and I am back to restricting most days and purging everyday.
On a positive note, I am still going to my recovery meetings every week. For the most part I sit there and watch the girl next to me eating donuts and fantasize about bingeing. It is a 12 step recovery program for all sorts of addicts so I am in a mixed small group with recovering alcoholics, drug users, EDs, sex abuse/addiction and a variety of other hard to pin point issues.
My biggest issue with this otherwise great program is that there is food at every meeting which gives me the giggles. I wonder how they would feel if I put vodka and cocaine on the food table? Seriously, who goes to recovery for ED when there are donuts around?! I ate my cauliflower, kept my f***ed up thoughts to myself and moved on.
My doctor upped my thyroid medication two weeks ago which should also help my uncontrollable weight gain. It will take some time to take effect but hopefully when I am no longer gaining weight just by breathing, it will be easier to focus on recovery. Every day I am astounded by the irony that after 20 years of ED, I got a disease that makes me fat.
I ask God every day why he tortures me.
I went to my church recovery support group tonight. On the way home I stopped for two veggie burgers, fries and onion rings. I inhaled them on the drive and left the evidence in my car so my roommate wouldn’t notice. At home I found 3/4 of a cake in my fridge and a bottle of wine to top it all off. I went upstairs and purged it all. I took a shower then fixated on my fat, ugly, naked reflection. I obsessed about the cellulite that I am riddled with. It is everywhere. I am only 31 as of this week. Single again, relapsed again and nothing to show for it except more cellulite.