Breakups and Binges

I binged. And purged. For the first time in a couple of months of recovery, I relapsed. I cannot even remember the last time I threw up because it has been that long. It coincided with me breaking up with my boyfriend and the end of a twelve day cleanse.
This is not unusual for me to cope with pain this way, but I am disappointed in myself. I chose to end a relationship that started out with so much promise four months ago. The hurt that I caused him choked me. The words he said to me cut me up. Why do we hurt people that we love or care about in the end? He gave me a lot of courage to leave ED behind and he will never know the blessing that has been to me.
The cleanse was a dumb idea on my part. It was restrictive not in the amount of calories but in the types of foods and today I decided that I would mourn the ending of this relationship with a binge. Initially I fully intended not to purge. I guess old habits die hard.
On Thursday I go to “Freedom Sessions” which is a Christian 12 step program for people in recovery. If you can find a church near you offering this then I highly urge you to go. It is unlike any other recovery program that I have been to. The best part of it is that it doesn’t identify you by your disorder. You are not a bulimic or an anorexic or even worse EDNOS (no man’s land). You are you. ED is something you struggle with not a part of who you are in spirit, soul or body.
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4 thoughts on “Breakups and Binges

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I’m sorry you are hurting right now. Best of luck with the program tomorrow. Sending you peace and strength until then…

  2. Sweetie, I understand. The same thing happened to me over the summer. I had gone so long and done so well, and then I had a really bad day, and I crashed. Binged and purged all the way. Usually, after I do that, I hate myself and end up going down a steep path of negative comments and abusive words really fast, til I end up cutting or doing some other kind of self harm. But that time I was able to just sit, watching the rain, holding my knees tight, and arguing with God until I finally calmed down. I accepted what I had done. I accepted that I’d binged and purged for the first time in months. But… then I let it go. I forgave myself. I took a deep breath and kept breathing. The day went on, and I laughed and hung out with friends and talked it out with someone who listened. It was okay.
    You’re gonna be okay. One slipup can’t define you. You are strong, and God’s still holding you close, and no matter how much you hurt right now, healing will come. ❤

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