I binged. And purged. For the first time in a couple of months of recovery, I relapsed. I cannot even remember the last time I threw up because it has been that long. It coincided with me breaking up with my boyfriend and the end of a twelve day cleanse.
This is not unusual for me to cope with pain this way, but I am disappointed in myself. I chose to end a relationship that started out with so much promise four months ago. The hurt that I caused him choked me. The words he said to me cut me up. Why do we hurt people that we love or care about in the end? He gave me a lot of courage to leave ED behind and he will never know the blessing that has been to me.
The cleanse was a dumb idea on my part. It was restrictive not in the amount of calories but in the types of foods and today I decided that I would mourn the ending of this relationship with a binge. Initially I fully intended not to purge. I guess old habits die hard.
On Thursday I go to “Freedom Sessions” which is a Christian 12 step program for people in recovery. If you can find a church near you offering this then I highly urge you to go. It is unlike any other recovery program that I have been to. The best part of it is that it doesn’t identify you by your disorder. You are not a bulimic or an anorexic or even worse EDNOS (no man’s land). You are you. ED is something you struggle with not a part of who you are in spirit, soul or body.