I landed on the coast an hour ago. It is raining and the clouds are hanging ominously low over the mountains, obscuring them. I am here for work for four days. I arrive ravenous from a binge/purge session last night. There is a basket of fruit in my room when I check in and I make my way through a banana, grapes, an apple and a peach. I find some hummus and cherry tomatoes in my bag and eat those too.
I want to dial room service and order a few plates of food but I try to resist for now. My room is stocked with fruit, vegan protein powder and a few other unfortunate things (mentos and a chocolate bar from the fruit basket), which I try to avoid. I put a pot of coffee on to brew and curl up in the chair by the window and stare out and the grey drudgery. Surprisingly, the wet weather seems to match my mood. At least when it is cold and wet I can hide my bulk under a few extra layers.
I think back to a conversation in the airport when I arrived and met some of the other faculty that will be in attendance for the week. They introduce themselves and their disciplines:
I introduce myself and my discipline – ballet.
“Oh, we were looking around the airport to see who looked like a ballerina.”
I smile weakly.
I don’t look like a ballerina. I never have. I never even came close to it despite the depths of hell ED has taken me too. I feel like I will be a disappointment to them but, in reality, I am mostly just a disappointment to myself.