5lbs down in 6 days. I have a stomach full of pills and coffee and emptiness. Finally…
The numbers tumble at first, falling rapidly, swirling past my stout calves, up along my tree-trunk thighs and settling on my broad, starving, ever-expanding stomach. The thrill of the numbers shrinking is a high no drugs could ever reproduce in me. I laugh from my double chins, my rolls shaking, heaving. I have done this before; I can do it again. I will do it a million times over if I must. The first few days are heady with delight and obsession like a new lover but an old love affair remembered. I am beside myself with starvation, with renewed determination to see the scale swing down to where my self-worth was last seen waiting for me. Perhaps my sanity will be there too?
After a few days they stop, stalling. A stalemate. We stare at each other; this is hostile territory. A new lover becomes an old enemy. Swords drawn at dawn after a night of purging, I step on the scale to weigh my loathing and self-hatred. The needle swings past numbers that I long for, that I dream of, that I want more than this life itself. They speed past – up, up, upwards to places, figures, sums that I know will eventually kill me with their truth. I would get on my knees and pray if it would help my quest for thin. Plateaus of pain, of discontent, of frustration and the foreshadowing of what will come. There will never be a consolation prize for fat.
They are concave, made of bones and sinews and tired muscles. Their feet are over arched and much abused as they float across the stage, ethereal and see-through. Clavicles and scapulae are on display for all to see. Chest bones, rib bones, hip bones poke through scanty costumes. Tutus and tiaras on skeletons. They sit pale and wasted through rehearsals. Not all, but many. Some wear their thinness like a badge of honour. Others follow them with envious eyes. They stare at their reflections in too many mirrors. Those asked to lose weight take note of their fraying forms. They have made the leap towards perfection.