The Numbers Game

The Numbers Game

The numbers tumble at first, falling rapidly, swirling past my stout calves, up along my tree-trunk thighs and settling on my broad, starving, ever-expanding stomach. The thrill of the numbers shrinking is a high no drugs could ever reproduce in me. I laugh from my double chins, my rolls shaking, heaving. I have done this before; I can do it again. I will do it a million times over if I must. The first few days are heady with delight and obsession like a new lover but an old love affair remembered. I am beside myself with starvation, with renewed determination to see the scale swing down to where my self-worth was last seen waiting for me. Perhaps my sanity will be there too?

After a few days they stop, stalling. A stalemate. We stare at each other; this is hostile territory. A new lover becomes an old enemy. Swords drawn at dawn after a night of purging, I step on the scale to weigh my loathing and self-hatred. The needle swings past numbers that I long for, that I dream of, that I want more than this life itself. They speed past – up, up, upwards to places, figures, sums that I know will eventually kill me with their truth. I would get on my knees and pray if it would help my quest for thin. Plateaus of pain, of discontent, of frustration and the foreshadowing of what will come. There will never be a consolation prize for fat.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 thoughts on “The Numbers Game

  1. I came up with a plan last night while I was lying in bed, hating myself.
    Step 1: cut open abdomen
    Step 2: remove all organs and intestines…and anything else that seems ideal.
    Step 3: sew up abdomen
    Step 4: step on scale and see magical new weight
    Step 5: enjoy continued weight loss, as you can literally no longer eat or process food.

  2. Some days I think God must see this pain and suffering and be sad. My life has been boiled down to nothingness. I think he has greater plans for us xo

  3. toasterdoors says:

    Yes, all of it. all of it. just, yes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: