It’s a long weekend! We are off camping again which is frightening to me on many levels in regards to food consumption. Unlike last time, we are going with friends and each couple is responsible for 3 meals. I tried to fight this decision as the thought of surrendering control of 6 out of 9 meals to my friends is terrifying! My eating rules are so stringent even on my new ‘healthy’ plan and the idea of not being in control over what I consume this weekend is scaring me.
I have packed as many extra, healthy snacks as I can and a large salad to offer at meal times so that I can make a better decision if the food I’m fed is ‘bad’. I think my boyfriend is realizing how stressful it is for me to go through this and he alluded to my need for control last night. Poor man. He has no idea that I threw up before he got home and threw up our dinner an ice cream later on. It has really been a bad month for ‘recovery’.
I took my girlfriend (who is 57 and weighs 90lbs) out for her birthday at lunchtime. She is kind of like a surrogate mum to me considering mine is so far away. We talked about our love affairs with ketchup (too much sugar!) and mustard (barf!), during our starvation phases in our lives. She told me at lunch – as we shared a greasy, cheesy quesadilla – that I need to let go and indulge this weekend. She said at some point I need to stabilize my eating and enjoy a balanced lifestyle. I agree with her 100%. But……ED has a strong hold these days. We had2 glasses of wine and I am a bit too merry for a Friday afternoon at work (I’m not teaching, I’m just in the office!). I want to race home and get rid of the quesadilla because it is not sitting right. I haven’t eaten dairy in 2 weeks. I fight with myself not to go purge right away. I consider relaxing my eating rules and enjoying the weekend if it is going to be a write-off anyway. I have a huge bottle of Bailey’s to drink by the campfire, after all. Drunkorexia, anyone?!