Monthly Archives: March 2013

Exercise Bulimia

It has been a good start to the day. Still making up for my binge on Sunday with an hour on the elliptical yesterday and today.

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Survival Mode


I spent the weekend away for work on ballet auditions. I looked at my grotesque legs in tights as I was teaching class and wondered how it was possible to be this big despite all the starving/bingeing/purging/exercising that I engage in. I spent the night throwing up in my hotel room and now I am in the airport binge eating.
Here is what I have eaten so far while I wait for my delayed flight:
  • 1 listless spinach salad
  • matcha latte (skim milk, no syrup)
  • oat bar
  • 2 cheese strings
  • 1 apple
  • 1 organic macro bar
  • 1 greek yogurt
  • another matcha latte
  • another oat bar
  • a sandwich

I am bored, frustrated, hungry and tired. I am contemplating what to eat next. I have the next ten days off work and I am wondering whether I will use them to get myself out of this funk or not. I am merely surviving from one day to the next right now and it is not enough. I however, have had enough of this body that won’t co-operate.

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Set Point Theory

As my friend at Extended Recovery reminded me this week, there is a little thing called Set Point Theory. Set Point Theory is an interesting topic of debate and one that I have resisted believing in all my life. Based on my complete inability to lose anymore weight despite four months of my epic relapse into ED, I find that I am curious about it just in case it explains this insanity. I need answers!
Here are a few articles on the issue where it is explained better than I can do it:

The last one more accurately portrays what I believe when it comes to this topic. I do, however, believe that genetically we are pre-disposed to a certain height, weight and shape but that other factors such as lifestyle and diet can contribute to changing our size. I will always be 5’9″ and no matter how skinny, thin, ripped or muscley I get, my frame will remain (sadly), unballerina like!

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Binge/Purge

BInge/Purge

I tried several tactics to avoid the binge/purge cycle today. They all failed. I failed. At least I am off laxatives for now. Perhaps a small victory in the face of a catastrophic loss.

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ED Humour

ED Humour

 

Pity ED is such an extreme form of this….

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Plateaus: the great ED Mind F**K

I plateaued weeks ago. After I relapsed heavily into ED during my break up in December, I dropped a bit of weight quickly but lately it has not been budging. It is too frustrating for words. I actually feel like not only am I not losing anymore but I might actually be starting to gain weight again. I am too scared to weigh myself but just to make sure, I think I will need to start weighing to keep things under control. I am too scared to weigh myself because I know that the numbers will be too high for me to bear.
I wonder what is wrong with me? Did my body just freak out? I follow the same pattern every day:
  • calorie restriction during the day (rice crackers, green tea, veggies and a bit of hummus)
  • hot yoga at night
  • binge/purge episodes a few times a week (some laxative abuse thrown in for good measure in case I don’t manage to puke up everything)

How I don’t look like a skeleton is beyond me.

One of my coworkers said today, “how do you stay so nice and slim.”

That sent me into a rage. Not “thin” or “skinny”…..”slim” is just another synonym for “normal” which is another synonym for “fat”. I don’t want to be slim. I shouldn’t be slim when I put this much time and effort into ED. I should look like a walking sack of skin on bone. I don’t and that is the great ED mind f**k as far as I am concerned.*

Anyone have an ideas on getting passed this plateau or has anyone had similar experiences?

 

*Thanks to Greta for coining the phrase!

**I have hypothyroid which contributes to my inability to lose weight

***I have been off the pill for 3.5 months since my break up and just had my period so maybe my hormones are haywire?

 

 

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Strength and Perseverance

For my ED sufferers and survivors……have faith and courage for another day. You are worth it.
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