I’m On a Detox

I'm On a Detox

I don’t know if this is the best idea I have ever had, especially as I am in “recovery”. I have been gaining weight at an alarming rate and this is what always sends me sprinting back to ED. I cannot cope. No matter how healthy I eat and how much exercise I do, I just keep getting bigger. My clothes don’t fit. My reflection disgusts me.

My girlfriend tried this detox/cleanse and raved about it. She told me she had so much energy, felt amazing and had lost 8lbs in six days (taking her down to 110lbs). I figured it would be a good way to distract myself from relapsing entirely. Guess what? I have done it for 4 full days – it lasts for 12 days – and I feel nothing. Actually, scratch that, I feel exceptionally angry today. I do not feel amazing and I have most certainly not lost even 1lb. Of course the weight loss was my motivation to give this a try. I hit a low on the weekend when actually took a pregnancy test because I didn’t believe I was actually this fat without another valid reason.

The detox is called “WIld Rose”. The diet that goes along with the pills and liquid is easy to follow: no dairy, no wheat or gluten, no booze, no processed foods and nothing that is high in sugar or fermented allowed. Twenty percent of your diet comes from meat, fish, eggs or tofu (I’m vegan), and the other eighty percent is made up from a decent list of fruits and vegetables as well as grains like quinoa, oats, freekah etc. You can have unsweetened almond milk and can even drink coffee on this program. I have, as evidenced by my blog, gone on way more extreme “diets” before so I find this one easy to follow.

I have, however, noticed that today the urge to binge is significantly higher than it has been in a while. Whenever I am restricting in some way, I compensate by bingeing. So, I will see if I can last another 8 days on this detox but something has got to give. More than ever, I feel like I am about to pack in this recovery lark and just relapse. It is what I do. It is what I know. It works (for the most part) and I can actually tolerate myself when I am thinner. At this point in recovery, I have never loathed the sight of my humongous body more. It is grotesque and revolting and offensive.

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9 thoughts on “I’m On a Detox

  1. heartlectics says:

    I completely understand how you are feeling! However, it doesn’t mean that you have to relapse. You have already identified that restricting equals resulting binge. So refocus perhaps on eating enough so that you do not binge. It’s like taking someone else’s medication for different illness. Different bodies different genetics you are different people. It’s not going to work the same. This is why diets will always end up failing. I highly recommend reading a book called health at every size the surprising truth about your weight by Linda bacon. This has changed the way that I look at diets, or health industry, science, and my body. Recently I had a scan where they measured my body composition including my fat percentage. Not exactly a healthy move for someone who is in recovery. But this is what I learnt..I am holding much less fat than what I thought. What I see with my eyes is not accurate in my head. And I guess it may be the same for you. Many of us suffer with body dysmorphia. And remember that body image is one of the last things to change in recovery but it can change. Perhaps get some inspiration to keep going from other people who have come to like their bodies after an eating disorder like southern smash, her blog is something about loving imperfection. I really wish you all the best. Get in touch with your therapist while you’re feeling this way it can be a critical point. So much love to you xo

    • Thanks for the love. I feel like the body dysmorphia is a big factor. Today a girlfriend told me I was gorgeous and of course I don’t believe her because I am heavier which seems to be the result of eating “normally” for the first time in years. This is the first serious recovery that I have attempted in 5 years but it is so frustrating that it just piles on. I know hypothyroidism doesn’t help. Anyway, I will check out the blog you mentioned and maybe one day find the strength to try a fat percentage test!
      xo

      • heartlectics says:

        You’re on the right track!! I know it feels so freaking itchy when you first put on weight but your therapist has probably already told you that sometimes our bods get really excited when we start eating again (especially if you are under your set point weight where you body naturally likes to sit) and thinks it needs to store for the upcoming famine. But if there is no upcoming famine and you work at eating a healthy amount for you, your body will adjust again to where it needs to be. So in the meantime, distract yourself from scratching that itch!! Know what I’m saying? Cause the itch will die down and subside with time. You just got to get through this part beautiful!!! Re: hypothyroidism. How is your iodine levels? Iodine is a precursor to thyroid hormones so its common to be iodine deficient when you have hypothyroidism. To check, put a 3 inch square patch of betadine or is it bedadine? On your forearm (find at pharmacy in antiseptics) and observe at intervals over 10 hours. If it disappears quickly (in the first couple) you know you’re deficient. Home test 🙂 and don’t drink fluoridated water as fluoride kills iodine. Find pure water or water that has been through reverse osmosis. Oh, and I do not recommend getting body measurements, talk to therapist about the pros and cons of that. Xo

  2. royaltyandrainbows says:

    Are you working with a professional (or two) for your recovery endeavor or are you trying to go it alone?

    • I’m going it alone as usual. Tomorrow I am joining a church group that meets once a week called “freedom sessions” where addicts, eating disorders, alcoholics meet, work through a course and spend time with other sufferers. I am interested to see how it goes. How are you?

      • royaltyandrainbows says:

        I would suggest finding a good counselor and a good nutritionist. A counselor can help you sort through the things that make you likely to want to return to your eating disorder, help you find ways to stay on track without feeling like you’re going insane or need to crawl out of your skin, and supports you on your journey. I can’t say enough for how helpful they can be. *Can* be. You need to find a good one. You also have your choice of a secular or Christian counselor.

        I suggest a nutritionist because, while it’s common for eating disordered persons to know a good deal about nutrition, it’s amazing how often they have misconceptions or just plain false beliefs about certain foods. Also, they help challenge you to move beyond your food rules. Plus, I don’t know if it would be the same for you, but for me, it “gave me permission” to eat things I wouldn’t normally eat or more than I would normally eat. Likewise, she can help you figure out why you might be gaining while eating healthfully and help you find the right kind of foods for your body.

        I haven’t heard of Freedom Sessions. I wonder if it’s like Celebrate Recovery. I never went to CR because at the time I needed it, I was too terrified to eat around others and they all had dinner together.

        And I’m alright. My mom is finally out of the ICU. I’ve been meaning to respond to your email, but things are crazy right now. Probably Monday.

      • Hi,

        Just checking in. Thanks for all the good advice in this post. Let me know how you are when you get a chance. I am glad your mom is out of ICU. I am keeping you in my prayers.
        xx

      • royaltyandrainbows says:

        I sent you an update. I hope you are well.

  3. I just wrote a blog on my attempt at a detox….it only lasted 12 hours. I think you would relate.

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