I don’t know if this is the best idea I have ever had, especially as I am in “recovery”. I have been gaining weight at an alarming rate and this is what always sends me sprinting back to ED. I cannot cope. No matter how healthy I eat and how much exercise I do, I just keep getting bigger. My clothes don’t fit. My reflection disgusts me.
My girlfriend tried this detox/cleanse and raved about it. She told me she had so much energy, felt amazing and had lost 8lbs in six days (taking her down to 110lbs). I figured it would be a good way to distract myself from relapsing entirely. Guess what? I have done it for 4 full days – it lasts for 12 days – and I feel nothing. Actually, scratch that, I feel exceptionally angry today. I do not feel amazing and I have most certainly not lost even 1lb. Of course the weight loss was my motivation to give this a try. I hit a low on the weekend when actually took a pregnancy test because I didn’t believe I was actually this fat without another valid reason.
The detox is called “WIld Rose”. The diet that goes along with the pills and liquid is easy to follow: no dairy, no wheat or gluten, no booze, no processed foods and nothing that is high in sugar or fermented allowed. Twenty percent of your diet comes from meat, fish, eggs or tofu (I’m vegan), and the other eighty percent is made up from a decent list of fruits and vegetables as well as grains like quinoa, oats, freekah etc. You can have unsweetened almond milk and can even drink coffee on this program. I have, as evidenced by my blog, gone on way more extreme “diets” before so I find this one easy to follow.
I have, however, noticed that today the urge to binge is significantly higher than it has been in a while. Whenever I am restricting in some way, I compensate by bingeing. So, I will see if I can last another 8 days on this detox but something has got to give. More than ever, I feel like I am about to pack in this recovery lark and just relapse. It is what I do. It is what I know. It works (for the most part) and I can actually tolerate myself when I am thinner. At this point in recovery, I have never loathed the sight of my humongous body more. It is grotesque and revolting and offensive.