Maybe Moving On Or Getting Back to “Normal”

I finally got tired of my reflection. My boyfriend posted photos of us from a weekend away on social media and someone had the audacity to ask me (not-so-subtly) if I was expecting. I know I have put on weight since the miscarriage. I am guesstimating 7-10lbs from how I look and how my clothes don’t fit. Honestly, I am too terrified to step on my scale until I have dropped some weight.

After the weekend and the hurtful comments, I looked at my pudgy arms in the mirror while I was applying eye liner. They have become soft and shapeless like my heart after I lost the baby. “Enough,” I told myself. “It’s enough now.”

I’ve been back to gym 3 days in a row. There was no shoe shopping involved or sandwich motivation (where I buy myself food for going to workout). I felt more energetic, less depressed. Perhaps this was the turning of a corner? I don’t want to get my hopes up too soon. I have found that this grief knows no end; some days I am fine and others I am broken.

I have binged once and purged once. I have actively restricted a few times. I knew that eventually I would get back to “normal”, but so far it hasn’t been so vicious. Part of me wants a healthy body to have another baby and part of me just wants my agony to show itself in bones.

The truth is, one day I was pregnant and my life had changed forever. A few weeks later I was no longer pregnant and my life could not go back to what it was before. There is no normal after that.

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4 thoughts on “Maybe Moving On Or Getting Back to “Normal”

  1. littlevoicetalks says:

    Nope. That was the hardest part for me. I couldn’t go back to life pre-miscarriage because my whole being, mind and soul had developed towards motherhood. 15th June I was pregnant, the 16th of June I was not. And horribly my HGC levels still told a pregnancy test for 3 weeks after that I was pregnant. Yes, I tortured myself afterwards and peed on the stick a couple of times and then howled as my heart broke in to pieces.

    There will always be a piece of us that died the day we lost our babies. But the pain does lose it’s edge and the hope returns. It doesn’t mean we ever forget but we heal.

    Lots of love to you xxxx

  2. I did tell you that at one point you would be ready and I still believe it. You have to grieve. But you can also grieve in stages. So maybe now you’re at the stage where you are able to exercise and still feel loss. Everyone handles it differently.

    And who then fluff asks that shit on Facebook?!?? MAN I hate social media!!! People are such assholes and just seem to have such balls on the Internet. Can do things there they’d NEVER do in real life. I hate that two faced aspect!!

    Sorry you had to deal with someone else’s insecurity!

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