Tag Archives: truth

Boyfriends and Lies

I think I made my boyfriend suspicious last night.

He commented at dinner that I had eaten more than everyone at the table. When I got up to get seconds he said, “are you still hungry?” I asked him to stop talking about what I was eating and how much. He responded that he didn’t know when it was ok and when it wasn’t ok to talk about it. He said sometimes I do it (I use it to deflect) and he didn’t have a script to follow.

I didn’t bother explaining.

I went upstairs while him and the kids were watching a movie, ran the water in the bathroom and purged dinner. It took longer than it should have. When I came downstairs, he raised an eyebrow at me questioningly. I smiled and ignored him.

I ate more later on and then went to throw up again. I opened the bathroom door and he was standing right there, looking like he was walking to the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I wanted some water so I was going to the kitchen, but now I don’t want any.” he went and sat back down on the couch. It was weird. Maybe I was just reading in to the situation.

I have another part of my ED assessment this week called “family therapy”. He is supposed to come and I have mixed feelings about it. I feel bad not being open with him about what is going on, but so much of what is triggering is to do with our relationship. One thing that is really upsetting me is that I feel he isn’t being honest with me. I feel like he is lying or hiding the truth about him and one of the mothers of one of his children. When I confronted him about the inappropriate messages they send each other, he tried to deny it. Then he got that scared look like he had been caught out and began trying to talk his way out. When I asked him if I could see the messages, he started to panic.

I never saw the messages in the end. I have a feeling they will have magically vanished by now.

I never ignore my gut instinct when I feel like a man is not telling me the truth. So far, i have never been wrong. I was hoping this man would be different to all the ones that came before him.

I am actually that dumb.

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Secrets and Lies

 

“What kind of crazy are you?” he asks only half-jokingly as we sit around a fire under a late, summer moon.

“The regular kind of crazy,” I say without looking at him. “I’m just really weird about food.”

It isn’t the whole truth; it isn’t an outright lie.

 

My girlfriend asks me why I don’t just come out and tell him about my eating disorder. I guess that moment would have been my chance. We have been dating for 2 weeks and it is getting serious really fast, almost too fast. I am triggered by the overwhelming emotions that I cannot comprehend to keep starving.  It gives me an illusion of control as I struggle not to fall head over heels for him.

I have told him about my eating disordered past without flinching and I have demonstrated that it is still alive and well. We spent the whole weekend together and he saw me eat twice in 48 hours. Both times I ate celery and hummus. At one point I asked him to drive me to the store so that I could buy celery. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t want him too. In fact, when he asked me if he could lecture me about eating, I told him that it was off limits. He asked me if he could make me dinner and I said that I was full. He asked if I was really full or if I was just saying it. I know he sees it – I wonder when it will start to bother him. Last night we were talking about women’s bodies and I said that I wanted to lose more weight. He asked if I would tell him what I weighed and I said I couldn’t because it would make me cry.

I am alarmed when he tells me I am sexy and beautiful. I feel disgusted by myself. I don’t understand how he can like me.

I don’t want to tell him the whole truth because I want to continue to be disordered. I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t want to be questioned once he knows the whole truth. In time he will figure it out. I am just waiting for the day he does. When he walks away, I will not blame him. I would too.

 

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