Last night’s comments came from my darling boyfriend. I am still determined to write a book on dumb s**t people say to someone with an eating disorder. It is endless…
We have a wedding to go to on Saturday so I borrowed some gorgeous dresses from a friend of mine. I borrow dresses from her all the time because she has a wardrobe I simply can’t afford.
My boyfriend asked me when I was going to try on the dresses for him and I told him I felt like a heffalump and hadn’t been planning on it. I felt uncomfortable putting dresses on in front of him and standing there in my underwear. He asked me what would determine which of the ten dresses I picked on the day and I told him how fat I felt was always the determining factor.
So I started putting on the dresses. I was on the second one when he said, “how is it possible that you fit in K’s dresses?” I looked at him startled as I tried to zip up a dress that was a bit big for me. “What do you mean?” I asked staring at myself in the mirror. “Well she is shorter than you and has a much a smaller frame than you,” he responded in all seriousness. I just opened my eyes wide staring at him in horror. He saw the look on my face, “this isn’t going to end well for me is it?” he asked. “Not when you compare me to someone who has just had their second baby and tell me that they are smaller than me,” I responded as I removed the dress and went to put on sweat pants and a t-shirt and covered up my disgusting body. “Aren’t you going to try on the other dresses for me?” he asked as I closed the bathroom door. “I would prefer to do it when I am by myself,” was all I said.
I got into bed fully dressed. “What is that unhappy look for?” my boyfriend asked. I just looked at him wondering how nice it must be to be so clueless. I lay there thrilled that I had purged my dinner. It had been validated for me. He tried to touch me and I could tell he wanted to have sex. I just turned out the light and rolled over. I didn’t want to be touched. The man who tries to pretend that I am “hot” and “sexy” all the time just told me in-not-so-many-words that I was fat. He is forever trying to convince me that I have a beautiful body that turns him on. He has undone everything in a few words: “How is it possible that you fit…she has a much smaller frame than you…” All night I felt it eating away at me. I wanted to be anywhere else rather than lying next to him. He tried again this morning to cuddle me and put his hands down my pants. I firmly pulled my pants up and my shirt down, covering the body that is so repulsive. He took the hint and got out of bed.
The wedding I was looking forward to is ruined. The beautiful dresses I was so excited to wear hang on my wardrobe taunting me. I don’t want to go. I don’t care anymore. I had planned to get up and go to gym this morning. I feel horribly depressed. I feel hung over from drinking and purging last night. My anxiety is out of control. I want the man I love to understand, but he doesn’t. He makes it worse. All the time.