Tag Archives: running

How Not To Buy Pants In “Recovery”

Last night I had the moment in recovery that always sends me running back into the arms of ED. I went clothes shopping.

I have a terrible habit of only ever buying pants when I am in starvation mode and can squeeze into a size 4 or 2. (Size 0 has never been attainable for me.) Last night I (rather stupidly) thought that I could handle buying a pair of size 6 pants. I thought I was being realistic although I was not brave enough to go and stand in a changing room in the store and look at myself. Instead, I got them home and they were so tight that I immediately lost my mind. I cried, I cursed, I mouthed off at God for not understanding that I cannot be this fat and maintain recovery.

I ate half a box of ex-lax, binged on quinoa salad and vegan coconut macaroons, ate the other half of the box of laxatives and went to bed mad, sad and distressed. I cannot deal with this excess of flesh. I cannot deal with barely fitting into a size 6 where six months ago I swam in my size 4 pants and purged until kingdom come. I panicked last night. I did what I always do when that fear overwhelms me. I broke down and abused myself for being a failure.

The only thin, almost non-existent, silver lining is that I did not purge last night even though it was all I wanted to do. I did get up this morning (after being up all night thanks to ex-lax) and went for a run, continuing on with my 5k training program. I got a migraine almost instantaneously and have spent the day in excruciating pain, both physical and mental. This anguish knows no bounds. I want to be well. I want to be thin. And not just any thin, but the thin that I believe to be beautiful: bones.

On a lighter note, never wear your new cream coloured pants to work after consuming a box of ex-lax the night before. Just in case……

I should have more faith. I really should, but not today. Maybe tomorrow?

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WP Anniversary and WIAW

WP Anniversary and WIAW

Apparently today is one year since I started “Fat Ballerina”. Today I am not sick but I am also not recovered. I vaciIlate between these two states of being, adrift on a sea of ED. Lately I have tried harder than ever to surrender ED, to give it up and to let go. I am using my faith to keep me strong when I feel incredibly weak. I am going to trust God that in the end, after 20 years of suffering, I can walk away from this by His grace.

I am going to honour today with a list of what I ate. I have been ravenous lately. No matter how much I eat, I cannot be full. I am trying to eat more protein (sometimes non-vegan) and fill myself up with good things rather than binges. I find the food I ate today to be too much in content and volume. Here is the list (and yes, it scares me):

  • Protein shake with a shot of greens
  • Banana and apple
  • Oats with peanut butter and honey
  • Another banana and another apple
  • Half a block of tofu
  • Egg whites, spinach and lima beans
  • Greek yogurt and blueberries

I taught ballet all day. I went to hot yoga. I am about to go for a long trek in the hills and tomorrow I am starting an 8 week training program to run 5kms.

I feel too heavy, too fat and I wish I could just stop being hungry. It is distressing to me how I am so hungry all the time. I want to be thin, but today I don’t want to be sick in order to be thin. I have no answers but my heart is happy and I am at peace. For today, that is all that matters. It is enough.

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