Tag Archives: relationship

Nightmare

I had an eerie, vivid nightmare last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, clinging to my boyfriend in terror, adrenaline coursing through my body. I could recall every disturbing detail:

In my dream I was at my house except it was a house I had never seen before. It was old, run down, decaying. Everything seemed to be dead. The grass and trees and flowers, all a red-gold brown in the dying light. I was moving my couch into the garden. The couch was dirty, full of holes and worms, all manner of creeping things slithered across it. I seemed to be there for a long time, unaware that it was night and I was alone.The house stood forlorn behind me and I heard whisperings of a presence which I tried to deny. Then the gate opened and something beastly and menacing came in uninvited. I couldn’t describe this presence as it was more a sense than a sight, unlike everything else in my dream which was sharp and in focus. I can recall how everything looked in minute detail, but this was demonic.

I asked it to leave my garden, to get away from me and I started to back away from the threat emanating from it. With a startling speed it pounced and enveloped me. I started fighting it, but it overpowered me like a cloak of darkness. I flailed and railed against it. I was lashing out, but it held me. I started to panic and then I started to beg to be set free. It would not release me. There was a moment where everything froze, I stopped struggling against this evil thing. There was a hiss and a sizzle like a candle being snuffed out. Except it wasn’t a candle, it was my life.

In the moment I realized that my life had ended so mercilessly, abruptly, the only thought I had was to call on God.

***

After I woke up, my boyfriend asked me what my nightmare was about. Usually I tell him that I am being chased of pursued by something I can’t see. This time I was shaking with fright, on the verge of tears. It was so real and so horrifying. I knew without a doubt that the demonic presence was my eating disorder. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so distressed by the dream, by the overwhelming feeling of being tormented by a demon. My boyfriend held me, after I had been pushing him away all night, but I was too scared to close my eyes. It seemed to be hovering there, waiting for me.

All these hours later, it is as haunting as if it had just happened. I feel a dread within me that I cannot explain.

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A Love Like No Other

“Stand beside me and fight. Not out of fear, but out of love.”

He speaks these words to me in the middle of the night. My heart is anxious. For two weeks all I have thought about is that I am not cut out for this relationship. I told him that he needs a better woman than me: one who will love him and his children while tolerating the two mothers with grace. I told him I am so used to be the perfect girlfriend and I am in a situation where I cannot be perfect. He told me to stop trying to be normal in an abnormal situation. He told me I am not alone in this; that we stand together as a team. He told me that all my frustrations about the lack of boundaries with one of the moms are valid and that he is working on them for me, for us. He tells me that he wants to marry me, to have children with me.

Then he told me that I need to stop being on the fence about this relationship. He told me I need to be all in and that there was no one better for him than me. He spoke the words I have waited my whole life to hear: “I love you with my soul”.

In the last few days I have looked at this in a whole new light. He does not need to pay for my debilitating anxiety or issues with perfectionism and control. He should not be punished for those who came before him and the damage that they did. He has demonstrated to me over and over that he wants a life with me.  And when I am ready to leave, to walk away – just like that –  he holds me and whispers to me that we were made for each other.

“We have waited a long time for this moment; to be together and to have our chance,” he says referring to the eight years we have known each other. Our lives have been orbiting each others for nearly a decade now. At last we are together and I am constantly looking for reasons to run before my heart gets broken again. In looking to preserve myself I have sabotaged a relationship with the most generous, kind, loving man. I have withheld part of me, too afraid to commit, to be all in. I have sat on the fence too scared to give him everything. In the end, it has only hurt us both.

I spoke to God one night, only weeks before we began dating. I begged God for the husband and family I had always dreamed of; for the children I had longed for. He sent me this man and his two children. It is only now that I have begun to realize that I have been given all I asked for. I got three people for the price of one and even though I joke with my boyfriend about it, it is true. I got a family that will one day be mine even if right now it is not the perfect situation. I will not be perfect. I will not be the perfect girlfriend or step-mother I imagined, but I have the kind of love I have waited for my whole life long, and that is perfect.

As we sit on the couch on New Year’s Eve, both too sick to get dressed up and go out, I look at this man and my heart is happy. It is filled to overflowing with love, and even more than that, with peace. It does not matter that we are not celebrating with champagne and fancy clothes on amidst masses of people. At midnight we will dance cheek to cheek in our pajamas and 2015 will start with his arms around me. What more could I need? I have found the one whom my soul loves…

 

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