Tag Archives: death

On Dying Too Young 

My twenty year old brother held his best friend as he died today after a motorbike accident. Three of them had gone trail riding and his friend Ray, was ahead of them when someone turned in front of him. He died at the scene from his injuries, my baby brother talking to him and holding him. 

Suddenly life is put into stark perspective. 

Living so far from home, from my family, my worst fear is getting a call that there has been an accident or death. 

Today I thanked God that it wasn’t my little brother all the while remembering that Ray was someone’s brother, son, boyfriend, grandchild…

I wept for my brother who is too young to have buried so many friends already. I wept for his suffering, that I couldn’t take the pain from him. Twenty year olds should not have to watch their friends die. 

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Nightmare

I had an eerie, vivid nightmare last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, clinging to my boyfriend in terror, adrenaline coursing through my body. I could recall every disturbing detail:

In my dream I was at my house except it was a house I had never seen before. It was old, run down, decaying. Everything seemed to be dead. The grass and trees and flowers, all a red-gold brown in the dying light. I was moving my couch into the garden. The couch was dirty, full of holes and worms, all manner of creeping things slithered across it. I seemed to be there for a long time, unaware that it was night and I was alone.The house stood forlorn behind me and I heard whisperings of a presence which I tried to deny. Then the gate opened and something beastly and menacing came in uninvited. I couldn’t describe this presence as it was more a sense than a sight, unlike everything else in my dream which was sharp and in focus. I can recall how everything looked in minute detail, but this was demonic.

I asked it to leave my garden, to get away from me and I started to back away from the threat emanating from it. With a startling speed it pounced and enveloped me. I started fighting it, but it overpowered me like a cloak of darkness. I flailed and railed against it. I was lashing out, but it held me. I started to panic and then I started to beg to be set free. It would not release me. There was a moment where everything froze, I stopped struggling against this evil thing. There was a hiss and a sizzle like a candle being snuffed out. Except it wasn’t a candle, it was my life.

In the moment I realized that my life had ended so mercilessly, abruptly, the only thought I had was to call on God.

***

After I woke up, my boyfriend asked me what my nightmare was about. Usually I tell him that I am being chased of pursued by something I can’t see. This time I was shaking with fright, on the verge of tears. It was so real and so horrifying. I knew without a doubt that the demonic presence was my eating disorder. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so distressed by the dream, by the overwhelming feeling of being tormented by a demon. My boyfriend held me, after I had been pushing him away all night, but I was too scared to close my eyes. It seemed to be hovering there, waiting for me.

All these hours later, it is as haunting as if it had just happened. I feel a dread within me that I cannot explain.

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Death Via Bulimia

Death Via Bulimia

I will never know until it is too late. I will never understand all the damage I have done until there is nothing I can do about it. I can never know what will fail me first: kidneys or heart? I have no idea what exactly will take years off my life until the day I face the certainty that I will never have those years. I do not know if I can ever have the children I have longed for. I have never meant to die from this, but I know that it is killing me.

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