Apathy, Indifference, Whatever…

I have not really had much to say about ED in the last 2 months. Here is why:

I had a miscarriage.

I haven’t been able to talk about it.

When it happened, I lost my appetite and didn’t eat for a week. I cried and sobbed and drank myself to sleep every night for a month. I binged a few times. I ate “normally” and I just existed for the last little while. I had experienced weight gain after the miscarriage, but not during the pregnancy – I wasn’t far enough along. I hated myself for what happened and of course, I blamed myself for what happened.

My boyfriend was supportive and loving and caring. He put up with the snot and sobbing and staring into outer space like a zombie. He comforted me every night while I fell apart. He held me when I woke up screaming from nightmares about dead babies. He flew my mother here to help me cope (yes, her being here had nothing to with my birthday so I feel even shittier about being ungrateful). He ran me bubble baths and tried to shield me from adverts for diapers or someone giving birth in a movie.

For two months I have been depressed. It is a kind of depressed that I have never known before.

In the beginning it was hard enough to function while dealing with the physical repercussions of the miscarriage. I lost so much blood and was in so much pain. I was physically weak and exhausted. It was all-consuming. I couldn’t think about anything else except the baby we might have had. Miscarriage is common. I read all about it. I read everything I could. It still didn’t prepare me for what I went through or how devastated I am.

Now, a couple of months later, the physical symptoms are gone and I am left with a hollow in my heart. I would have been 16 weeks along today.

ED has barely featured since and I am not sure why. I still think about it. I stare at my much heavier reflection at ballet and am repulsed. I have to squeeze into my size 6 pants and it upsets me, but I don’t do anything. I eat in terms I can only describe as “normal”, keeping in mind that I don’t know what normal is. I am not actively starving, bingeing or purging. I am drinking a lot. I seem to have become apathetic and indifferent to food. I am unconcerned with anything except trying to get through my day with my sanity intact. Work has been overly stressful and dramatic. My boyfriend and I have had some more relationship turmoil (as usual revolving around the mother of his youngest child). We continue to not move forward. At the end of the day, I cannot cope with any of it. I cannot deal with anything.

I have been trying to get back into a gym routine over the last few weeks. I have little incentive or motivation to exercise other than I know endorphins are good for depression. I just don’t really seem to care and I cannot make myself care. I have thought about going to see a counsellor. On that note, I dropped out of my ED treatment that I was in. There didn’t seem much point in going.

So I have nothing to update on the ED front. I ate cucumbers and hummus at work today. Last week when my anxiety over our relationship was much higher, I ate nothing. Tonight I ate 2 bowls of pasta and didn’t purge. On the weekend when we went on a happy family vacation, I ate 3 meals a day. There seems to be no rhyme or reason.

When my coworker announced her pregnancy this week and her due date 10 days after mine would have been, I hid in my office. I feel a numbness. Other than being depressed, I haven’t felt much else except the inability to cope. My anxiety has been escalating lately over work and relationship stuff and that usually sends my ED into a frenzy, but I have barely reacted if the truth be told. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t mean kill myself because I have no suicidal tendencies at all. I just want to sleep for a very long time.

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28 thoughts on “Apathy, Indifference, Whatever…

  1. keedaa says:

    I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.

  2. I just want to wrap you in my arms and hold you. I’m so sorry for your loss, dear friend. ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. OMG WOAH!!! Lady!!! I am so sorry for your loss!! I had no idea you were going through this at all!! I wish I could have supported you during this rough time!! Definitely talk to a professional; maybe have a funeral for your baby. Do something for closure. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

    But this all does give me that oooooh that makes sense moment. Like your mom coming. That was considerate of him. And that does explain some more stress you two have had because I know you mentioned your fears/worries/concerns about what if y’all had a child.

    Additionally, not that I know from personal experience, but I have heard that pregnancy, especially the beginning with the change in hormones, really screws with ED and other psychiatric illnesses. I remember you were really struggling [just because at the same time I was also really struggling and I empathized].

    I guess what I’m trying to be helpful in saying is, on a silver lining note, I want to be supportive and I’m trying to show you that I have been paying attention this whole time.

    I probably missed everything.

    I’m in NO WAY JUDGING you!!! Love you the way you are!!

    I am just so sorry you went at this! I’m here if you need a little extra support or some silly Pinterest pictures!!

    xOxOx Cassie

    • Wow…you are wonderful. Thank you for being there and paying attention (you didn’t miss anything) and piecing it all together and understanding. I debated not sharing this at all on my blog, but it has been so profoundly life altering. The hormones really did send everything crazy and carried on for 6 weeks after I lost the baby. It did add a whole new stress to our relationship, given our circumstnaces, but my boyfriend was a rock. It made me acutely aware of how much more I want a child than being hung up on an engagement ring and a wedding. In the end, it made me realize that there is so much more. I am grateful for your support and encouragement and I will try to get back to regular posting at some point.
      Thank you for being there…for being you…what a blessing you are. Much love xxx

      • Share what you want to share! Thank you for sharing such a personal experience! I cannot imagine the grief honestly. For me I cannot imagine being pregnant so this sharing is so helpful! Like it scares me so hearing someone else who is struggling with eating disorders and this is positive.

        Um YAAA I can see that as life altering and justifiably so!!

        At least the silver lining here is you find what matters to you and want you want. That is what honestly matters. And that does not make you ungrateful. We all have our life experiences and they are all different. That is why we all want different things.

        So you take what you are given, process what it is, and seek out your happiness based on that.

        Then hopefully continue to share all with us 😛

      • It is strange that as someone who has feared pregnancy from an ED perspective that I so wholelly embraced it the moment I knew. I feel like there was some healing that took place in my mind when I realized that my body needed to nurture a baby and that was my responsibility. It is amazing that for that brief time, I could disassociate myself from my ED in order to give my child everything it needed and deserved.
        I feel a huge weight of guilt at not knowing sooner. I feel responsible for losing that baby after 20 years of ED. Like my body just couldn’t cope. Like I was being punished for what I had done.
        I had never imagined I would want to pregnant and now it is all that I can think about.
        Thank you for being so suppotive during such a difficult time. xx

      • I am sorry you had to learn it such a hard way. :/ that I do not like at all.

        But I am glad you know now.

        Don’t feel guilty!! Maybe it is a lesson in disguise? To take care of yourself because soon you will be able to have another when you are ready?

        Please try not to feel responsible!!! Sometimes are bodies do crazy things without our intentions!! That guilt itself will kill you!!

        I am here for you!! xOxOx

      • Thank you for being so reassuring and supportive. It means so much right now xx

  4. meetmia says:

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your angel, but thankful you have people there for you. Keep your chin up!

  5. littlevoicetalks says:

    I am so sorry to hear your news, I absolutely feel for you and empathise. The pain is the worst to endure. The loss of your baby is massive and regardless of the baby having never been born, you were still a mother and you knew your baby.

    The sense of unjustness, unfairness, wanting to know why, the feelings of loss for everything you had planned is devastating. But one day at a time.

    I lost 2 babies in 2010 and cannot have any, lost my fertility with the 2nd baby as she was ectopic (they both were). The pain on watching friends get pregnant was excruciating. I could barely turn my mouth into a half smile or utter ‘congratulations!’ I just wanted to fall to my knees screaming ‘noooooooo, why???’

    You’ll always carry your child in your heart and soul. Miscarriages are not easy to get over, only by the people who’ve never had one. The reality is it is devastating and where do you start to grieve over a baby you knew was there but you never saw.

    I named my two babies. I believe they were little girls. Matilda and Lilley. And I sit in deep reflection on anniversaries of due dates and their miscarriage dates and wonder what could’ve been.

    Do what you need to do to grieve your loss. Don’t be pressured into getting over it at a pace that everyone else thinks. The process must happen organically and only you will move through it.

    I am truly so very sorry for you loss. I will pray for you and your baby and ask the angels to give you comfort.

    Lots of love


    • Thank you for your prayers. Your words have filled my heart with hope. I am devastated to hear that you have endured this not once, but twice and cannot have babies. I cannot imagine a greater pain.
      I named my baby too (I also thought she was a girl). I called her ‘Malaika’ which is Swahili for angel. I wear a necklace with angel wings and her birth month stone around my neck, close to my heart. I feel in my soul I am a mother. I have loved a child whether I saw her or not. Whether I held her or not, does not matter. She was my baby. xx

      • littlevoicetalks says:

        That’s so beautiful. She will always be with you. You will, in time’ feel her. She chose you to be her Mom. That’s a beautiful thing. And regardless of physical presence, she will always remain with you.

        I believe in angels. They are God’s soldiers. Your guardian angels have wrapped their wings around you. They hold you closer at this time. Listen to them.

        You will get through it. But you’ll never forget and actually, you don’t need to. She was real and yours.

        Cry your heart out. There is no loss like it.

        I am here; I mean that. Not that my insights will help you but I understand the profound agony at losing an unborn child.

        If it helps to talk, feel free andrea.spencer1@hotmail.co.uk

        I just want you to feel you have outside support at this time. Rant, rave, cry, vent …. Do all of it. You need to xx

      • Wow..thank you for your support and encouragement. It means so much at a time like this when I feel so alone. I am sorry that you too understand this agony. Sending much love your way xx

  6. Grainne says:

    Oh honey…:( I thought that’s what the one post you made when you were back home was about. I would have asked about it but I don’t have your email address and I didn’t want to say anything here unless you did first. I wish we could talk more. I don’t have many friends in life but I feel like you are one. xx I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m glad your mom could help you through it some.
    xo Grainne

  7. anadancer says:

    Even if miscarriages happen to lots of people, they are just as hard as if they happened to only a handful of people. I can’t imagine what physical and emotional pain you’ve experienced, but it does sound like the loved ones around you are doing their best to support you. So so sorry for you& thinking of you during this tragic time. Time is healing so allow yourself to feel every emotion under the sun. Talk about them, write about them, be honest about where you are. It’s not weakness to feel this way, it’s evidence that life can be so very challenging. Xx

  8. twirlybunny says:

    I’m so so sorry for you. I hope you find some light soon xxx

  9. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I never thought I wanted a baby or to be pregnant until after I miscarried either. Do reach out to others, I wish I had. Love you💜💜

  10. K says:

    My love, my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine just how difficult this must have been. Please do not blame yourself. I’m not going to spout medical stats – I know you know them but I want you to keep reminding yourself.

    I am so relieved that your loved ones are being so supportive. And you know that I am always here for you. Please do not hesitate to reach out. You are such a brave, beautiful and amazing woman and I know you will make it through this difficult time and come out stronger.

    Sending you love and peace,

    • I had a strange conversation with my case manager today where she told me the very same thing. She said God had brought this baby to help me recover. I hope you are ok too. Thanks for the love and peace. I’m sending some back your way too xxx

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