Home Time Triggers

135lbs

I am one week away from going home. My goal was to be in the 120’s by then. It isn’t happening.

Going home is exciting and stressful all at the same time. Exciting because I get to see everyone, stressful because of finances and many other things. I will be gone for 5 weeks. I leave my boyfriend and children behind which will cause me anxiety. I go to be with my family which will also cause me anxiety. Nothing is as triggering as going back to the root of your eating disorder.

I love my family. I am overjoyed to see them. One of my oldest, bestest friends is getting married and I have the honour of being her bridesmaid. I am, of course, worried about being thin enough in my bridesmaid’s dress.

I am torn: torn by my boyfriend not being able to come with me and torn by my family who need me too. I drop out of one life and into another, worlds apart. It is emotionally overwhelming.

I cope by eating, or not eating. When I eat, I purge. By the time I leave next week, I will be beside myself. I will cry all the way there and on the way back, I will cry all the way here for different reasons.

I had firmly believed, that I would be going home engaged to my boyfriend. He told me he would give me a reason to come back and I thought that would be it. Part of me imagined he would surprise me by buying a last-minute ticket and coming with me, or just showing up back home. I know I am setting myself up for a massive heartache. There will be no engagement ring. There will be no surprise visit. When I get back from my trip in July and am bereft and lost and distressed, he is going away for a week with his kids. I will need him, but they will need him more. Some days I just have to accept that this is how it is.

The heart wants what it wants and right now I want to go home and never come back here. This is no fairytale. There is no happily-ever-after.

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6 thoughts on “Home Time Triggers

  1. I always enjoy reading your posts…perhaps ‘enjoy’ is a bizarre word to use, but I relate to a lot of what you say and I like how real your posts are.
    THIS: “Nothing is as triggering as going back to the root of your eating disorder.” made me smile in recognition. I still live with my mum, the very person who planted the first seeds. She suffers binge eating disorders and laxative abuse…I suffer restrictive eating and a loathing of gluttony. So every time she binges, I restrict. It’s ridiculous! And now my dad (who lives nearby) has started on a health and gym mission and is calorie counting. AAAAaand guess who he chats to about it…me. Oh and my brother is a gym and health nut too. Do we see a problem here? lol.

    How is one ever supposed to stay in recovery…sigh. Best of luck when you head home, and, at the very least, having a blog is a great support system of sorts. x

    • I am sorry that you have to suffer this. I think parents are very triggering. I know mine are. And of course, they can’t see it. Part of my anxiety going home is reliving the beginning of my ED, but now it is 20 years later. Back then I think I was saveable – but they didn’t know what to do.

  2. anadancer says:

    I hope you are able to handle being at home. I completely agree that the place where your ed began is really triggering. Sounds like life is pretty stressful right now- I hope for you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel xx

  3. I am so sorry. Nothing is worse than disappointment by loved ones.

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