Same Shit, Different Guy

I heard the same shit tonight that made me end my last relationship.

I had a ‘check-in’ conversation with my boyfriend at bed time to make sure that we were on the same page (of the same book). I told him we never actually talk about time lines and plans for our future. I said that if we don’t put the wheels in motion nothing will ever happen. I told him we are nearly at a year and we never actually discuss our future unless it is vague. I made the mistake of asking him how he felt about our situation and what he was thinking so that we could see if our timelines and plans would mesh.

How the tune has changed from “I can’t wait for you to be my wife” and ” I want to spend the rest of my life with you” to this: “I don’t have a timeline”, “well I might want to marry you in two years, but I don’t know how I will feel then…what if something goes wrong?” and “what if I need 6 more months, what if I’m not ready?”

Let’s just say that no matter how he tried to explain himself, I got the message loud and clear. Now that he has a live in maid who pays rent and a step mommy for his kids, he suddenly isn’t that interested in how fast he can make me his wife. Like the saying goes: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

I reminded him that he has already had his children and therefore isn’t even concerned about the window of opportunity for us to have more. I reminded him I will be 33 in four months and I am not willing to pass up my time to have children while he decides if he wants to be with me or not. I reminded him that I am the one who has made a massive commitment to him by moving in with him and taking on his kids and all the (never-ending) shit that goes along with his situation. I reminded him that I cook and clean and do laundry and take care of him and the kids. My finances are now supporting him and his kids. I asked what more he could possibly want out of a girlfriend. I didn’t say what I was thinking: that he has nothing much to offer – other than being a nice guy. He has no money, no boundaries and a baggage carousel that is giving me motion sickness. I reminded him that he told me in the beginning that he was unlike any guy I had ever dated before, that he was different.

Sadly, he has proved he is just like the rest of them, but under worse circumstances. So I guess “different” was the right word. I am more mad at myself than I am at him.  After all I was the one who swore blind that I wouldn’t date a North American (EVER AGAIN) or a non-Christian and neither would I move in with anyone until there was a ring on my finger. So now I am mad at myself for doing what I said I wouldn’t which means I have learned nothing from the preceding heartaches. I am mad at myself for believing that he would be different from any other guy. How dumb am I? I guess to answer my own question, I am a fat anorexic so I am obviously not going to be a MENSA candidate any time soon. I am mad at myself for trusting him when he told me he wanted me to be his wife and that he couldn’t wait. I am mad at myself for taking him literally when he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I am mad for at myself for imagining that a proposal was coming at any moment: christmas, valentines, mother’s day, the long weekend when we go away, a trip home to surprise me when I am with my family…

More so I am mad at myself for repeating the things I do that get me nowhere: loving too much, giving too much, trusting too much. He knew when he met me that my plan was to leave the country and return home to my family so he said he would give me a reason to stay. He knew when he started dating me that i had no intention of waiting around for an engagement, that if we weren’t serious, I wasn’t interested. I was very upfront with him when I said I wanted my own children (even though he didn’t want any more). i said frankly that I didn’t plan on waiting the obligatory 3 years that seem to be standard before a guy “shits or gets off the pot”. I mean this guy is 40 years old. You either know or you don’t. Waiting 3 years to ask someone to marry you is the kind of nonsense you do in your twenties….when no one cares  about timelines. The last guy I dated for 3 years (who promised me an engagement ring when we moved in together) said the same things to me that my boyfriend said tonight: he had no timeline, he was not ready, he was not sure what might happen or how he might feel in the future.

They are all the same in the end. All of them.

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11 thoughts on “Same Shit, Different Guy

  1. littlevoicetalks says:

    Yep. I concur. My feeling is that you tell him you’re going and see whether that actually lights up the cells in his brain that may register ‘Oh my goodness, look at my beautiful girlfriend, I must stop taking her for granted!’

    Or move out for a week and let him realise exactly what it is you do for him and his children. Let him foot the bills alone again for a week/month/indefinite. Illustrate through decisive girl-power just what it is that you bring into the relationship. These men pretend to get it when you tell them but it doesn’t register unless they actually experience the loss and then they ‘get’ it real time.

    Me, I’m staying single now. I realise that actually, I might be a fat anorexic but I’d rather do that and spend my money on fat-anorexic clothes and have my one true meaningful relationship with my Maker!!

    Wishing you much clarity and calm in these times of great perplexing consternation

    xxx

    • I hear you. I have often left relationships thinking that they would “get it” once they experienced the loss of the relationship and my absence. Sadly, I think some of these guys are so thick that that realization never happens. I think this one says all the right things. I will wait and watch and see if his actions speak louder in the end. Thank you for your lovely thoughts and I think focusing on a relationship with God is the way to go. I have a hard time believing you are a fat anorexic. I hope some day you can see yourself the way your Maker does. In His eyes, you are beautiful xxx

  2. Hannah says:

    I’m writing this comment for the third time today. I cannot bring myself to hit “post comment”, but maybe this will be it.

    Two years ago I discovered your blog. Three years ago I fell into the trap of eating disorder. Reading your posts gave me perspective that I am not alone. I found myself so many times in your sentences.

    These last posts connected to your relationship, really shook me up. I kind of want to write to you “just run away from this”. And then I remember that I also fought for a guy. I lost him forever, and with him I lost part of me. I admire you so much that you have a hope of future. And that you see yourself in future with husband and children. Unfortunately I miss that, I have some hope, but not connected to a nice family.

    I know I am just random person, and this is just random advice on internet, but if you really want nice family life, you know what you have to do. Don’t destroy your vision of future for a maybe and someday. You are aware how much ED took away from you. How much life you lost over it. And you cannot get it back, no one can. However, you can still give a life to another human being.
    Whatever you decide know there are people who really enjoy reading your blog, and in some way care for you and your well being.

    I hope that everything will turn all right.

    • Thank you so much for your lovely comments. There is always that hard moment where you wonder if you should fight or if you should run. I am a runner. I am good at ending things, burning bridges, moving on. I have got harsher and harder when it comes to men and I very rarely give them second chances. Some days I think how awful it would be to be on the receiving end of such merciless unforgiveness.
      I hope that you have found happiness and recovered the part of yourself you thought you had lost. xxx

  3. I am so sorry. Men really are the same: false promises to get what they want and really good at making us feel insecure about ourselves.

    But I honestly cannot help but stand back and be ever so proud of you for everything you have recognized here!! Do you realize your insights? That in itself is a huge accomplishment! It is step one and two!! You know what YOU want for your happiness and it seems you know that you want to get it.

    For that, I admire you and your strength and courage,

    There is nothing wrong with you for having those dreams and desires.

    Remembers: never settle. It’s your life and your happiness. So I want YOU to do what makes YOU happy. And only you know what that is.

    I am sorry that you do have to go through this and think about what you want to do because that is scary and tough. I send vibes and strength your way!!

    xOxOx

    • Thank you for your encouragement. I guess I hadn’t realized these to be insights on my part. It is scary and tough to think about walking away from someone that you love, especially when there are two small children involved. It is one thing to love the wrong man, it is another to love his children. I am not sure what part of me just wants to run now before I get any further into this relationship. I am a pro at ending things. I don’t know how much is self sabotaging or self preservation? Thank you for the comments and your thoughts xxxx

      • Oh I hear you I’m pro at ending things too!! Self sabotage and I are very best friends hahahaha!! It might sound silly, but it’s been helpful for me and i learned it again in group to a degree: pro con list. It can help you sort out your thoughts and maybe find more thoughts you didn’t know you had. It helps me with difficult times. Anything to help you during this difficult time–not trying to impose, just support. :]

  4. K says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! I don’t feel like I know enough about you or the situation to give advice and I’m terrified of giving you the wrong advice so I’ll just say this: I have faith that you are strong enough to make the right decision for yourself and I want you to know I will be here for you no matter what you decide to do. I wish there was something I could do now to ease your pain. Relationship pain (and lack-of-a-relationship pain) is amongst the worst types of pain for me. I am currently heartbroken and all I want to do is eat. Please be strong and put yourself first. You deserve so much happiness and love.

    xoxo,

    K

    • K says:

      Oh, but I feel I should add that so many times I have given 110% in a relationship and I then get taken for granted and dump them… and they almost always realize what they have lost and try to rekindle things with me (to which I’ve always said no). I just don’t want you to fall into the same trap that I have- since I feel we are so similar in so many ways and I feel that you really fall for people hard like I do. Again, I really don’t know what you should do – I’m sorry! – but please remember how wonderful you are and how much you should be appreciated.

      • K, darling, I appreciate your comments and your sharing with me. I think there is a lot of us that is the same when it comes to relationship. My problem is that I don’t know how to give less or do less. I feel like if I pull back now, I am not being true to who I am, but if it isn’t appreciated then what is the point in continuing on a dead end path? When I love someone, I take care of them, I nurture, I look after, I feed them and do things for them. I don’t know how not to do these things that have made me end up feeling like a maid and nanny.

    • I am so sorry you are heartbroken. I went throught the wanting to eat phase and now I am so miserable that I have gone into starvation mode. If I can’t be a fiance or a wife or a mother or a step mother, I can be thin.
      I’m sending some peace and love your way. Be kind to yourself xx

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