Someday…

   
This is a conversation with my boyfriend saying he will buy gifts for my brothers so that they like him “if I’m going to ask for your hand in marriage someday.”

If…

Someday…

I have been waiting for a proposal since Christmas. I know what these men are like. Someday will never come. This one keeps telling me he is different to any man I have dated before. I am yet to believe him. He is yet to prove it. 

I put my cards on the table when we started dating. I told him I wouldn’t wait around indefinitely. I told him I wanted a marriage and children.  I assumed all the risk and made a huge commitment moving in with him 4 months ago. Now he says “if” and “someday”. 

 I have already given him everything he could ask for: I have taken on his 2 children from 2 different mothers and all the ensuing baggage that comes with. I have tolerated the intolerable for him. It has been nothing but stress since the beginning of our relationship. I have given up a simple happy life for drama and complications because he has no boundaries and hasn’t sorted out the mess he made of his life. 

I have foregone dates, romance, quality time and swapped them for mothering, cleaning, cooking and never ending laundry. I have given up sleep ins and freedom for waking up early to dress kids and make school lunches. I have lost evenings of frivolity and fun to homework, bath time and bed time. I have taken on the financial burden of his children, spending money on them now instead of myself. I have given up a life I dreamed of in Africa with my family to make a family with a man who says “if” and “someday”. 

I must not be worth more.  

I only have myself to blame for giving him everything up front. 

I have put up with things many others would have walked away from because he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He used to say, “I can’t wait for you to be my wife”. He never says it anymore. Instead he tells me there is a hole in his favourite underpants while we lie in bed and I am thinking of a wedding and children. 

And I know he thinks he is being a good guy buying gifts for my brothers. He would never understand how that statement could do so much damage. How triggering it is for someone with anxiety and an eating disorder. He will never know that I already have a date in mind which I will not wait past. 

“If” that “someday” takes much longer, I will be long gone.  

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14 thoughts on “Someday…

  1. Grainne says:

    You do a lot for him and I know there is love between you…but if I may stick my nose in here…you can have a husband and a family and not have to put up with/lose so much of yourself. Just because there is love does not mean he’s the only chance you may have to find happiness.

    It’s so hard to know what it too much to put up with. I would suggest measuring your happiness and make that the deciding factor, not his intentions to spend the rest of his life with you. Intentions can change so suddenly. If he makes you happy now there’s a decent change he will continue to do so in the future. (Hugs- I hope you don’t mind the forward advice xx).

    Oh….btw, my partner and I have been together for 15 years and we never actually tied the knot. It’s all the same in the end, when there is love. You know?

    • Thank you for the forward advice. It is nice to hear it from someone else’s view. I am fully aware that he is not my last chance for happiness or a marriage or a family. I feel like there is something else in myself I need to overcome to not be so consumed by the situation. I think my biggest fear is that I am living the wrong man again, or that there is some deep seated need in me to flee, to self sabotage everything. He makes me happy. He tries. Some days it is enough. Some days it isn’t. I think I like the idea of being with him, but the reality has been much harder than I ever imagined. I love your last comment ,”it’s all the same in the end, when there is love.”
      Beautiful xxx

      • Grainne says:

        You’re welcome. I so understand what you said here. I’ve done the same with my man more than once. We even separated for a time to see if things would be better with someone else. They weren’t. I was lucky we managed to salvage what we had. Ahh doubt. Always keeps us guessing. 😉 xx

  2. Good for you for having a date!! I have a date as well because in the realm of the world, it’s your life and you have to be happy with it! There is nothing wrong with us wanting happiness because we deserve it! It’s tough so I admire you!! Stay strong! ❤

    • I am so glad to hear that you have a date too. I thought it was a bit harsh of me because I love him. I have loved the wrong man before and waited too long before. I don’t want to waste these years of my life on someone who doesn’t look at me and just know that this is it. I am too old for the waiting game.

      • Exactly!! I think it’s an awesome big step for us!! Frankly, I have personal boundary issues where I am too self sacrificing so this in itself is a huge thing for me–to admit I deserve happiness and to know that in the past this did not work and that I am not wasting my time playing the same games again; noticing patterned behavior and establishing timelines. I still feel like I’m harsh. There are a lot of “what ifs” in my head but all my life I still have those–even with the past scum. So it’s been set straight because if he is still waffling because he is hesitant because he is comparing me to exgfs and how his family hates his ex, then clearly he is not worth my time. His excuse is his family’s opinion does not sway his feelings towards me. But to me I want them to know and I think people love me. So why can’t they try and get to know me?

        I hate rejection so he knows that and wants to protect me. But at the same time… 3 months in and haven’t met the friends? Idk. A lot of mixed feelings. Just did a blog post on it because after reading yours you inspired me. :]

        I need to just clear my mind, figure out what I want now at this mark–I know what I want at the 6 month mark hahahaha

        Stay strong ballerina!! ❤ I'm rooting for you!!

      • You know, I think I feel harsh too, but I am also not going to repeat my past mistakes of hanging around with a man for 3 years while he waffles. I am 32 and sadly, there is such a thing as a window of opportunity to have babies. The last guy I waited for kept me waiting for 3 years and then I left. Why would I give this one 3 years of my life and then leave when I am 35? It seems like I would have to be REALLY dumb (dumber than I already am) to repeat that mistake. Besides, this one already had 2 accidental kids so for him there is no rush to have more. His divorce is also not finalized from the mother of his first child that he left 5 years ago. This is what I mean by him not dealing with his mess. I even said a few weeks ago that if his divorce is going to take another year, then we have some talking to do because we can’t move on with our life because he didn’t deal with his s**t. I am not paying for his bad decisions. I had decided that 6 months would be the cut off for moving in or making a decision on taking our realtionship further and at 5 months he brought up the topic of us living together. That made me happy that he addressed it, but his life is made infinitely easier by me living with him and taking care of his house and kids. His financial situation (which is horrible) is made better too. So the pay off for him made sense. My issue now is an actual commitment from him.
        I am rooting for you too. I think if you are serious then you should be meeting friends and family and progressing. Life is too short for games especially waiting games. Stay strong too ❤

  3. V says:

    This might seem like a stupid question…but why do you have to wait for him to propose? Why don’t you both sit down and discuss getting married? Or you propose to him?? I know it has been tradition for the man to propose to the woman, but we live 2015 and couples can make decisions together. To me, it seems silly to give the man all the control of if and when marriage will happen. Don’t sit around waiting for him, becoming angry and resentful in the meantime. You proposing would be way more romantic than trying to push him into proposing by making comments like, “Someday…interesting.”

    • I wish I felt this way. I don’t. I want the love story. I want the down on bended knee “will you marry me” that is romantic and fairytale like. I am delusional. I am sitting on my unicorn while I type this ;).
      You raise many good points, but the heart wants what it wants. I want the kind of love story they write books about or make movies of. I do not want an ordinairy love. I want someone who sweeps me off my feet. Who makes everyday extraordinary in some way. I don’t want to ask him to marry me. He knows I want to marry him. I want him to ask, because it is the way I have always dreamed of it being. It might be 2015, but I am firmly stuck in Pride and Predjudice waiting for Mr. Darcy.

  4. littlevoicetalks says:

    Frankly. I’m sick of men. They are so last season. I’m sticking with cats and Mulberry handbags. These things bring a lot of pleasure. I was married 15 years and informed by my estranged husband we were splitting up over the 5% bad in our marriage. He’s willing to fluff it all when 95% was great. Go figure?? Then I fall in love with someone who before he left moaned about the fact I’d stopped cooking for him, or sending him various things. I hasten to add he never bothered cooking for me not once and didn’t send me a birthday card on my 40th or bother with a card at Christmas and then readily like to accuse me of sleeping with various people and always telling me what I should’ve done which means what I actually did didn’t suit him!!

    What is it about your relationship that makes you feel happy? If you look and there is a long list of potential, stick it out. If you are truly beyond happiness, you need to go and the sooner the better before things get complicated by the stuff that happens when you stay. Ever day in misery is a day without peace. Can you sit down and tell him you’d absolute feelings. Maybe if you could, there may be a good future as a couple.

    Life’s a bottom-hole sometimes. Full of decisions that feel damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Wishing you love and fortitude xx

    • Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am sorry that you have had these relationships and suffered so much. There are no answers sometimes. At the moment, I am caught between loving someone who loves me and wondering if I am just finding excuses to run or if he is another in the long line of shitty life choices I have made. We are happy. We have happy days. Despite the odds stacked against us, we manage to function almost “normally”. I am so overwhelmed that the smallest things set me off. Somedays it seems like the drama and bullshit will never end. Other days it seems like we are just a boyfriend and girlfriend. I am torn, not over loving him. I have loved the wrong man before. I am torn over staying. I always want to leave sooner rather than later. I don’t believe in happily ever after any more.

  5. I’m sorry to hear that you are unhappy. With the going out of your way to cook and clean and such, I had the same problem. I was doing SO much for my partner and felt like a housewife. I was run down and tired and often felt totally taken for granted. Like I was part of the furniture. All the love and hugs and flowers were gone. I felt really…unspecial (that’s totally a word now, lol). So eventually I sat him down and we had a looong chat and voila! Sometimes they aren’t aware of what they are doing or how they make us feel. Men can be so oblivious! And for those of us who would do anything for the ones we love, it’s hard to comprehend how it isn’t second nature to others too. I got SO frustrated, if he loved me why wouldn’t he want to do all these things with./for me… so he must not love me then. And why am I still with him if he doesn’t love me. But when we spoke he really thought I knew he loved me and that he didn’t have to do these things. I had to communicate what I needed from him that makes me feel appreciated and wanted.

    And this question I pose to a lot of people…why do you feel the NEED to get married? Right down to having a cut off date? I have been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years or so and although marriage is great, we are already committed by being in this relationship. I don’t need a piece of paper and white dress to know that he loves me. Yes, I do want to get married and I too want the romantic gesture…but I don’t feel any need to rush it. I’m happy and secure with my partner, as he is with me. And I think that is more important. And please don’t take offence, it’s really just how I see things and I know everyone is different. I just thought maybe take a look at why marriage is so important that you’d be willing to end a relationship if he doesn’t propose…

    I hope you feel better soon xxxx

    • Thank you so much for your comments and insight and sharing your experience. I think the one thing I am very bad at is telling him what I need. I assume he knows. I have told him a few times that I need him and the kids to help out around the house because i feel like the maid. I think what it comes down to is that I like things clean, tidy and organized and he doesn’t seem to care what state he lives in.

      As for the whole marriage debate, you raise a good point. I have already been divorced once when I was very young. I think for me, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage. I am old fashioned in how I feel about romance, relationships and families. It is also a sign of his commitment. I have done everything I can to make a huge commitment to him. He hasn’t had to do anything. I packed, I moved into his house, with him and his children. I assumed all the risk and cost and gave up my life to take on his. Unlike someone without 2 kids from 2 moms, he has a lot to ask of any one to be with him. So it seems to me that having asked it, and me having given so much, that the one thing I want (which I have been very upfront about), shouldn’t be that hard. He can’t wine me and dine me although he has been making more of an effort since I told him I need those things. He has no money because of the kids so we can’t look at buying a house together which means we live in the same house he lived in with both mothers (bad juju). We haven’t even gone away for a weekend together, so in the end I went and booked a weekend away and paid for it myself. He can’t afford to come home with me and meet my family which is something that I feel is very important as it will be another 2 years before I go again. Perhaps I am asking too much? Perhaps I am too entitled. I feel that in a relationship there is a window for a proposal where it is a total surprise and sweeps you off your feet. After that I feel like it just becomes a bone of contention and that when you wait or have to ask or prompt, that it tarnishes it. Which is why I won’t wait past a certain date and I won’t ask. If he “can’t wait” for me to be his wife, then he shouldn’t make me wait.
      I loved your comment and the points you raised. Thank you 🙂 xxx

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