I think I made my boyfriend suspicious last night.
He commented at dinner that I had eaten more than everyone at the table. When I got up to get seconds he said, “are you still hungry?” I asked him to stop talking about what I was eating and how much. He responded that he didn’t know when it was ok and when it wasn’t ok to talk about it. He said sometimes I do it (I use it to deflect) and he didn’t have a script to follow.
I didn’t bother explaining.
I went upstairs while him and the kids were watching a movie, ran the water in the bathroom and purged dinner. It took longer than it should have. When I came downstairs, he raised an eyebrow at me questioningly. I smiled and ignored him.
I ate more later on and then went to throw up again. I opened the bathroom door and he was standing right there, looking like he was walking to the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I wanted some water so I was going to the kitchen, but now I don’t want any.” he went and sat back down on the couch. It was weird. Maybe I was just reading in to the situation.
I have another part of my ED assessment this week called “family therapy”. He is supposed to come and I have mixed feelings about it. I feel bad not being open with him about what is going on, but so much of what is triggering is to do with our relationship. One thing that is really upsetting me is that I feel he isn’t being honest with me. I feel like he is lying or hiding the truth about him and one of the mothers of one of his children. When I confronted him about the inappropriate messages they send each other, he tried to deny it. Then he got that scared look like he had been caught out and began trying to talk his way out. When I asked him if I could see the messages, he started to panic.
I never saw the messages in the end. I have a feeling they will have magically vanished by now.
I never ignore my gut instinct when I feel like a man is not telling me the truth. So far, i have never been wrong. I was hoping this man would be different to all the ones that came before him.
I am actually that dumb.