Post ED Assessment

They weigh me – backwards, of course.

They take my blood pressure: lying down and then standing up. The nurse watches me as standing up gives me a head rush and raises her eyebrow as I put my hand out to steady myself.

They check my urine for hydration levels because of all the purging.

They do blood tests and look at my electrolyte levels…because of all the purging.

They check my teeth and my throat…again, because of the purging. They poke me and prod me, feeling my stomach, listening to my heart.

They turn the heater on because I am freezing in my hospital gown. What a cliché. All the patients here are freezing, shivering, wasting away.

They give me endless papers to fill out. I have to rate my quality of life with ED, my body dissatisfaction, my mood swings, my anxiety, food obsessing.

They ask questions. They ask more questions. I go through the last 20 disordered years, dredging up stuff I have buried under tonnes of pasta. At one point I cry unexpectedly. I minimize and deflect. I confess to feeling guilty for wasting time and resources that could be better spent on other people. I admit to being embarrassed that I am not thin enough or sick enough to be here. I tell them that I honestly don’t believe this outpatient program will “cure” me.

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8 thoughts on “Post ED Assessment

  1. littlevoicetalks says:

    You don’t sound ready for it to me lovely. And that’s not a bad thing, maybe it’s just not the right time. I wish it were possible to wave a wand and it all be sorted. I guess it’s a scary place to dwell. Does bf know that you had the assessment?

    Wishing you courage and fortitude x

    • BF knows a bit about the assessment. To be honest this relationship is the biggest trigger I have right now. Him, the kids, the moms…the living every day in a horrible situation that I can’t change and don’t have any control over is what gives me the most anxiety. Anyway, I have a feeling I will never be ready. I’m ok with that. Thank you for the courage and fortitude xx

      • littlevoicetalks says:

        In that case, I guess you’ll be like me… Finding a way that is okay but not cured. I guess a kinda management. We’ve both had this horrible illness for so so many years. I guess it’s making it the best we can make it within an eating disorder framework if that makes sense.

        I feel for you with the bf situ and how’s that’s been so difficult and anxiety inducing. May be time to tell him exactly your needs, I can’t see why he can’t love his kids and also put your needs first. You need to be heard too. Keep us posted. I love your blog x

      • Thank you so much for your love and encouragement. It means more than I can say xx

  2. I’m not certain one is ever ready. It’s tough work. At times I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I desire to crawl out. Fat emotions trying to burst out. Overwhelmed and fearful. But it’s doable. I haven’t purged since around New Years and even then I had cut back to a couple times of month long before that. I didn’t think I was ready but it is miserable to live with the ED. More miserable than going through without it. Sending you self love and compassion and hope.

    • I am so happy to hear that you have not been purging. I am proud of you. It is a huge accomplishment. Thank you for sending me those delightful things. They are much appreciated. With love, FB xx

  3. Grainne says:

    Such an impossibly hard thing to do. Being there at all is brave. Take things one day at a time though and try not to be too hard on lovely you. Xx

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