S**t People Say To Me

Last night’s comments came from my darling boyfriend. I am still determined to write a book on dumb s**t people say to someone with an eating disorder. It is endless…

We have a wedding to go to on Saturday so I borrowed some gorgeous dresses from a friend of mine. I borrow dresses from her all the time because she has a wardrobe I simply can’t afford.

My boyfriend asked me when I was going to try on the dresses for him and I told him I felt like a heffalump and hadn’t been planning on it. I felt uncomfortable putting dresses on in front of him and standing there in my underwear. He asked me what would determine which of the ten dresses I picked on the day and I told him how fat I felt was always the determining factor.

So I started putting on the dresses. I was on the second one when he said, “how is it possible that you fit in K’s dresses?” I looked at him startled as I tried to zip up a dress that was a bit big for me. “What do you mean?” I asked staring at myself in the mirror.  “Well she is shorter than you and has a much a smaller frame than you,” he responded in all seriousness. I just opened my eyes wide staring at him in horror. He saw the look on my face, “this isn’t going to end well for me is it?” he asked. “Not when you compare me to someone who has just had their second baby and tell me that they are smaller than me,” I responded as I removed the dress and went to put on sweat pants and a t-shirt and covered up my disgusting body. “Aren’t you going to try on the other dresses for me?” he asked as I closed the bathroom door. “I would prefer to do it when I am by myself,” was all I said.

I got into bed fully dressed. “What is that unhappy look for?” my boyfriend asked. I just looked at him wondering how nice it must be to be so clueless. I lay there thrilled that I had purged my dinner. It had been validated for me. He tried to touch me and I could tell he wanted to have sex. I just turned out the light and rolled over. I didn’t want to be touched. The man who tries to pretend that I am “hot” and “sexy” all the time just told me in-not-so-many-words that I was fat. He is forever trying to convince me that I have a beautiful body that turns him on. He has undone everything in a few words: “How is it possible that you fit…she has a much smaller frame than you…” All night I felt it eating away at me. I wanted to be anywhere else rather than lying next to him. He tried again this morning to cuddle me and put his hands down my pants. I firmly pulled my pants up and my shirt down, covering the body that is so repulsive. He took the hint and got out of bed.

The wedding I was looking forward to is ruined. The beautiful dresses I was so excited to wear hang on my wardrobe taunting me. I don’t want to go. I don’t care anymore. I had planned to get up and go to gym this morning. I feel horribly depressed. I feel hung over from drinking and purging last night. My anxiety is out of control. I want the man I love to understand, but he doesn’t. He makes it worse. All the time.

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7 thoughts on “S**t People Say To Me

  1. Grainne says:

    Oooh god! What was he thinking??! You don’t say that to a woman who has zero body issues, let alone someone who struggles with them. At least he knew he’d said the wrong thing in the end. Sort of. (I’m hoping he was trying to be intimate to “prove to you” that he finds you sexy and not that he was just clueless…)

  2. Argh, this happens with my family every now and then….except in their case they truly are clueless! I think comments relating to weight should just be out of bounds at all times. Why do people even bother saying them? Take care

  3. runsonsyrup says:

    I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s hard to understand that people who love you aren’t purposely trying to be vicious. It’s impossible to understand what it’s like to have an eating disorder unless you’ve had one, yourself. Though his comment seemed ignorant and hurtful, try your best to move past it and enjoy yourself at the wedding. Maybe explain to him why the comment hurt you so much. Don’t let the eating disorder twist his words into something else. Your boyfriend didn’t call you repulsive, it’s the e.d. that’s doing it. Hugs to you.

  4. You should start writing down the comments in a little journal for a book!! It could even be a compilation book!! Could be cathartic!! People don’t get it!! I looked at someone the other day and was just like “sometimes I wish it was just cancer because then you might just understand some of the struggle” but only sufferers will. Solidarity sister!

    I am so sorry! I know the feeling, never can try things on for others… They don’t see what we see. But good for you for at least trying to! That’s a big step and something to be proud of no matter the end result! Men don’t understand what their comments mean.

    While it’s hard to express to him how his words might make you feel, maybe explain to him that if you ever are fully dressed in bed that this action itself means your eating disorder is strong so what you really need is to not be touched or have your body or weight commented on. That you need your space to cope and heal. This way he knows and you don’t have to verbally say anything. I used to do this with my [cheating] ex. When he was out of line or I didn’t want to be touched (he didn’t realize it was internal struggles because he was selfish) I put on a scrunchie on my wrist. It gave me something to focus on and play with to calm down but was a visual cue to him to back off. I had to tell him that when its on it literally meant do not touch me do not try for sex do not try and butter me up nothing at all until it comes off. It was easier for me too because then I could communicate without communicating.

    Ok that was a lot. Does that make sense? Hahahah

    Stay strong!!! It isn’t easy. But that’s what this blog is for and what we are all here for!!

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