Post Purge Hangover

Bulimia hangover.

I wake up feeling like I have been run over. I look awful: eyes puffy with dark circles, fat face, dull skin. My stomach is empty, burning full of bile and nothing else. My throat feels like I swallowed glass. I am exhausted, dehydrated, migrainey. I am empty.

I hate the morning after a purge. I love the feeling that stays with me long after the hangover. The numbness and calm; the anxiety ebbing away.

Everything is beautiful this morning: my boyfriend and the children (even at 6am), our life together…all the chaos that upsets me doesn’t seem to matter. The lack of control is negated because I have found control elsewhere. I stroll into the day calorie free, armed only with coffee and I know I can do this. I can starve even though my anxiety will spike in a couple of hours. I can curb it later with wine and if I have to eat, I can purge that too. All is right in my world, if not well. All is as it should be: familiar and comforting, soothing to my tormented soul. My demons are placated.

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4 thoughts on “Post Purge Hangover

  1. Laurie Free says:

    beautifully written. painfully felt. I understand. with anorexia and alcoholism I craved the pain and sabotage is caused myself more than the highs themselves.. hang in there

  2. dontsayes says:

    I seriously wish everything you say about this euphoria of purging isn’t true, but we all know you can only pretend it’s not real. I’m stuck in a cycle that feels all too familiar of what you feel now.

  3. Anna210 says:

    Exactly what you have written here is what I tried to describe in my post this morning. Minus the binging and the calmness. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Well putting it into such painly familiar and flowing words. A xx

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