Paying For My Mistakes

 

My mother warned me when I was young that my ED would cause my kidneys to fail.

I’m scared. I went to hospital again on Tuesday for the same kidney infection that I have had since October. Despite IV antibiotics, this is the third time in as many months that I am being treated for the same thing. It won’t go away and I don’t know why. I am wait listed to see a specialist and in the mean time, I keep getting sick and it is terrifying.

Last time I was in hospital the doctor warned me that I could go into renal failure. It scared me enough to stop purging because of the extra stress that puts on my kidneys. I tried purging twice after my last hospital stint and was in so much pain the next day that I haven’t purged again in a month. Not purging has triggered all sorts of ED anxiety over weight gain. It has, however stopped me from bingeing which in the long run is a good thing.

I have been so sick that I haven’t been able to work out in nearly 2 months now. I am starting to realize just how much this is impacting my quality of life. On Tuesday I sat in the ER crying. I am too young to be losing out on life because I am sick all the time. We couldn’t go out for New Year’s Eve because I was sick. I have had to miss out on so many things in the last couple of months  – work included – because I am so ill.

I started to panic that this may somehow be the unraveling of everything. All the years of abuse have finally caught up with me and my body is breaking down. I never loved myself enough to care and now that I love someone else and want a life with them, I am facing the reality of paying for what I have done. Last night I lay in bed with my boyfriend, the anxiety suffocating me. We are talking about moving in together, getting married and having children. I silently wonder if I am about to lose him and all we are dreaming of because of my ED. The irony of it is not lost on me. This man loves me enough to give me the life I have always wanted. I don’t even want to voice these thoughts and fears to him. Last night I told him I was so scared. “I am scared for you too,” he said.

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6 thoughts on “Paying For My Mistakes

  1. I think to get out of the terrible vicious cycle of starve, binge, purge, repeat and to get rid of our EDs, we really need a shock like this because most of the time, we are in denial about having a problem. I’m not saying that the shock about your kidneys was necessarily a good thing, I’m just glad that it made yoh realize how much you are destroying your body and I hope that can be enough to save you from the horrible disease that I am suffering from too x
    Good luck with your boyfriend, he seems lovely! 🙂 ♥

  2. I wish I could scoop out all the ED thoughts from your brain and throw them far away. I know how much it sucks; it’s like being a drug addict except you can never avoid your drug. I don’t know if it’ll help you but I have slowly shifted my focus from food to health and it seems to be working! I’ve done a course in nutrition and plenty of research on the inner workings of the human body plus making up healthy recipes and am even enrolling to study to be a naturopathic doctor. It’s still a tad obsessive but it’s obsession over something that distracts. Somehow, although the voice isn’t gone, it’s quieter. sending you much love and strength…I hope like heck that your kidneys are okay ❤ keep fighting and every time you want to purge rather go for a walk in nature or take a slow swim (and not overdo it, lol).

    • I am thrilled to hear that you shifted your focus and that it is helping you. Keep me posted on your progress and your studying. I am happy for you!! Thanks for the encouragement. It means so much xx

      • How are you doing now? Today was not such a good one for me..decided to eat a doughnut and now ana and my IBS both hate me…and I’m on my way out to a family supper! Lol! Self sabotage much. Xxx

  3. littlevoicetalks says:

    I hear ya. My 2014 started with a hospital visit with kidney stones. Subsequent blood test show I may have scarring and the run up to all of this is that my creatinine is always not at acceptable levels. I never thought it would catch up with me either. I guess we all have a slight belief we are invincible and that we are Teflon coated, that ailments will just slide off us unto something like this happens.

    Keep drinking and drinking and drinking. Keep those kidneys clean as much as you can. I know you know this but sometimes its good to hear it again and again. Wishing you health and healing for 2015 xx

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