Last week was filled with anxiety and ED. I restricted every day mostly existing on black coffee and grapes. At night anything I ate got purged immediately. I am seeing a man who has 2 kids from 2 different women and things are not going well with one of the exes. All I could think about was running away the more we talked about the subject. On the weekend my kidneys started hurting. They are so fragile these days that at the first sign of infection, I am in trouble. When I saw the doctor on Monday she gave me a stern lecture. My body is so run down that every couple of weeks I am sick. She gave me antibiotics and told me to go straight to hospital at the first sign of it getting worse. It got worse, of course, and I decided not to go to hospital but to wait it out. I couldn’t face explaining the situation to my boyfriend, a doctor, a nurse, my work, my roommates. I just don’t care anymore. The last time I had a kidney infection I ended up on an IV.
I tried to eat better but ended up starving for 2 days and then purging instead. Tomorrow I have to go and have blood work to check my electrolytes. The anxiety I feel is debilitating. I can’t eat. I don’t sleep. When I do eat, it calms me momentarily and then I panic. I am in a situation where I cannot see any outcome other than heartache. I feel like I love a man who doesn’t have room for me in his life. I have this horrible sinking feeling that when it comes down to dealing with his psyhco ex-girlfriend/mother of one of the kids, he will make the wrong choice to keep her happy and I will have to walk away. I have a feeling that it is all going to explode this weekend. I wish I could be calm and look after myself, but I don’t know how.