Cauliflower and Crazy

 

I restrict all day to counter the bingeing of yesterday. I am determined not to eat until tomorrow. Somewhere around mid-evening my resolve snaps. I decide that I can eat cauliflower and hummus rather than go on another binge. Once I have made the decision to allow myself to eat, I cannot wait. It is urgent, serious, life threatening.  I drive to the grocery store. I am frantic. I hit every red light. It is the longest drive in the history of driving. I grip the steering wheel. I want to bang my head against it out of hunger and rage. I am on edge knowing that I could lose control and buy anything, everything except that cauliflower. It is my sole focus.

In the grocery store I run crazily looking for the damn cauliflower. An old man is shuffling in front of me and I am shaking. He blocks the aisle and I want to shout from frustration. There has to be a faster way to get food than this. “Don’t binge. Don’t Binge. Please, don’t binge.” I mutter like a mantra as I start to panic. There is no cauliflower anywhere. I must be delirious. How can there not be the one food that I am allowed to eat? I ask the store clerk for cauliflower. He says he will check in the back. I stand amongst the vegetables ready to weep. I will lie down by the lettuces and sob if there is no cauliflower. I am so terrified of going on a binge if I cannot find the one safe food I crave. I must eat a cauliflower. My existence has been narrowed down to this.

Eventually he returns with one and I am beside myself with relief. I take it, ecstatic. I know I am sick. I am so excited about this cauliflower that I want to cry. I try to rush out the store. The line ups to pay are agonizingly long. Another old person is strolling in front of me. I will not make it. I will not survive this. It will finish me. I will die of this starvation holding a f**king, miserable cauliflower in my hands like it was the holy grail.

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14 thoughts on “Cauliflower and Crazy

  1. drgonzo4055 says:

    Hi- I came across your blog a while ago and whilst saying that I “enjoy” reading it isn’t quite accurate, you write really well and I relate to a lot of what you say. Especially this post and the horribly fine line between maintaining control and binging.
    Hope you’re doing ok…take care

  2. I feel you. I am in such a rage and all I want to do is binge; angrily shove food in. The feeling of losing control is the scariest thing about all this.

  3. Lizziebee says:

    I hate it when I get to that point! Scary.

  4. dontsayes says:

    I’ve been there more times then I want to admit. It’s the worst feeling in the world. *hugs*

  5. whoreforthin says:

    Seriously the shakeyness and anxiety is real! Hugs hun I’m so sorry youre going through this. I really know how you feel. Today I’d like to eat but the mere thought of eating is too much. Too stress inducing, the numbers flying everywhere in my brain, so I’m just chugging back the coffee and wishing my hunger would vanish. Hugs!!!!

  6. laura says:

    desperate with my bulimia ang getting back to my old dieting style…wich wasant feel like diet for me …and find your blog. first of all excuse my english im spanish and my writing sucks…but i couldnt stop myself to write you. seriously, you write really well i enjoy so much reading your blog. im feeling so sleepy but i would read all your blog even if it takes me all night. i wish i could give you a hug. probably you have been suffering for so many years. and you truly belive that this is part of you. i wish you will fine the way to be free because you worth much more than these. im having bulimia. its hard to belive. i couldnt even to explain to my psicologist. im trying but i dont find the way. im feleeng bad everyday i buy food i never liked before. like sweets that i thought were disgusting. drinking tons of water and procesed juices. expending money. wasting may life and oportunities because i cant except my life or the lonliness i feel sometimes. my dad has all food closed in a wardrobe. its so sad that i arrived to this point. i put like 4 kg i dont know how many pounds. i know that i still thin. much more thiner than average girls..but its more about how i feel and how this mames me feel than my weight. this is an emocionall issue that affects my weight wich is the only thing that can make me happy and safe in tjis life. beeing really thin or losing weight its what gives me the thing most close to happiness that i ever had. but since two years i sabotage myself. i cant belive that i do what i hated always the most. i could starve for weeks and protect myself from everything and now im out of control. i feel a lot of pressure to have to deal with my life. my university. my lonliness. my family. my double life. my overprotector dad…sometimes i wonder if i will ever recover i would be happy beeing anorexic but not bulimic. pepole underestimate bulimia because they see you eat. of course i cant purge it and it takes me several cups of water each time. every single day. the way i try to cover it is like beeing supernice to everyone… no ones see me eat in the university but when the lessons finish i run to food. i dont have enought sleep. im so fucked up. and i crave sugar because im so tired like i cant wait to arrive home. its so sad. when it comes to gym love to exercise and i overexercice as much as i can to burn sugars and all my negative thoghts but its never enought….what can i tell you that you dont know…i always been in some way pro of eatings disorders. and have diferent periods and ways of eating..but bulimia. this is the worst. i will never be pro eating disorder again. this in not control. this is hell. shame. overwealming. and i still cant believe what i become.

    • laura says:

      im sorry that i write you a carzy comment…too long…excuse me for that.

      all my heart and support.

      big big hug. im with you. i will keep reading you.

      • Thank you for your comment…I admire your openness and honesty. I wish you healing from your eating disorder and I hope that you find the help and support you need. You deserve so much more than this hell. I am sending lots of love and prayers your way. xx

  7. […] until the evening when I ate half a cauliflower (read a blog post about Cauliflower here – https://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/3097/ ) and cheesecake (from the boyfriend and kids for Mother’s Day). On Sunday night I started […]

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