Secrets and Lies

 

“What kind of crazy are you?” he asks only half-jokingly as we sit around a fire under a late, summer moon.

“The regular kind of crazy,” I say without looking at him. “I’m just really weird about food.”

It isn’t the whole truth; it isn’t an outright lie.

 

My girlfriend asks me why I don’t just come out and tell him about my eating disorder. I guess that moment would have been my chance. We have been dating for 2 weeks and it is getting serious really fast, almost too fast. I am triggered by the overwhelming emotions that I cannot comprehend to keep starving.  It gives me an illusion of control as I struggle not to fall head over heels for him.

I have told him about my eating disordered past without flinching and I have demonstrated that it is still alive and well. We spent the whole weekend together and he saw me eat twice in 48 hours. Both times I ate celery and hummus. At one point I asked him to drive me to the store so that I could buy celery. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t want him too. In fact, when he asked me if he could lecture me about eating, I told him that it was off limits. He asked me if he could make me dinner and I said that I was full. He asked if I was really full or if I was just saying it. I know he sees it – I wonder when it will start to bother him. Last night we were talking about women’s bodies and I said that I wanted to lose more weight. He asked if I would tell him what I weighed and I said I couldn’t because it would make me cry.

I am alarmed when he tells me I am sexy and beautiful. I feel disgusted by myself. I don’t understand how he can like me.

I don’t want to tell him the whole truth because I want to continue to be disordered. I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t want to be questioned once he knows the whole truth. In time he will figure it out. I am just waiting for the day he does. When he walks away, I will not blame him. I would too.

 

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5 thoughts on “Secrets and Lies

  1. It’s so hard. I’ve never been able to maintain a relationship and my eating disorder at the same time. I guess that’s why I am 32 and divorced. Over and over again I’ve always chosen my eating disorder over someone who could actually give me what I need.

  2. It would be all too easy to tell you to choose life…it’s not all or nothing. I think what I tend to hold onto is that I can always go back to my ed but that relationships are different. I can always lose weight again. I can always starve. I can always purge. When I first met my hubby 18 years ago I would call him sobbing either because I wanted to purge or I had just purged. He would drop everything to come be at my side, sometimes doing nothing more than lay down next to me as we closed our eyes to rest. I don’t have any point to this reply as I know it’s not just that easy…but yet it is. Love is worth the risk. I’ll make you a deal…I’ll tell my hubby about my past abuse (I have no clue how to do this but I will get the courage to do so) and you tell your bf about your ed and that you need and want his support (even though your ed doesn’t want to bothered I know you are worth it).

    • You drive a hard bargain! I am sorry that you have abuse that you need to tell your hubby about. It sounds like he has been so supportive of you already. I hope that continues. I feel like this man might actually understand and want to look after me, but I am not sure yet. They are my demons to fight, not his. I will keep you posted if I find the courage. Thank you for your strength xx

      • No of us need to battle those demons alone. But yes, I kind of feel the same way in that I don’t want anyone to have to carry my burdens or whatever. But I know that trying to deal with anything alone…ed or abuse…is impossible. We all need others whether we like it or not! ❤

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