The Slow Fade

The comments started this week:

“You are so skinny.”

“She doesn’t eat.”

“You don’t look ok. Are you starving?”

“Aren’t you hungry? You’ve only had coffee all day.”

“It’s like you have ’empty’ tattooed on your forehead.”

I ignore them because I can be thinner still. I have only lost 11lbs since the beginning of June. I have many more to go…the slow fade, the long waste away, the disappearing act. I am emptying myself of disillusion, of sorrow. I am comforted in my distress by the dull ache of starvation and the acute pain of hunger. I need not to need; not to want. I know no other way, but this: no food will fill me with the love I cannot give myself. I, so undeserving, have looked for it in another. It eludes me like my bones which will not show themselves.

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5 thoughts on “The Slow Fade

  1. bendy mind says:

    This is the ED in me asking… How did you lose the 11lbs? I’ve been following your blog… I know I shouldn’t ask. I guess not being afraid of alcohol calories is a bonus but look after yourself! I’m worried xoxo. When I first started going out with my BF it was a major ED roller coaster. I was forced to face so many of my food fears, it was panic for months! Take care xoxo

    • Thanks for sharing. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this at the beginning. I lost the 11lbs by starving. I gave up the 1200calorie a day diet and exercise and went back to severe restricting.

  2. miranda jane. says:

    resonate.

  3. If I had a magic wand I would point it towards wherever you are out there in the world and make a wish that you were able to see yourself the way others see you. If it worked you would never again count another calorie, never again have to explain why you haven’t eaten lunch, never again measure your worth by the numbers on the scale. Because you would instead see that you are beautiful, that you are whole, that you are worth this life and that there is so much happiness waiting for you to find it once you see who you really are.

    You are worth the fight.

    xo

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