Every day for three days, I drink rather than eat. The calories in alcohol no longer scare me. I hang out with friends and we have a glass or two of wine. They eat. I don’t. I am drunk immediately, all traces of tolerance have vanished. My boyfriend picks me up for dinner and pours me more wine. I am swaying faintly in his kitchen from lack of nourishment and distress. He is determined to feed me. I wash away the guilt with another sip. I jokingly tell him that I am not an alcoholic. He laughs and kisses me. I wish I could tell him of the demons he has yet to meet.

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7 thoughts on “Wine

  1. K says:

    Hello Dear,

    How is your recovery going? I hope you are feeling better 🙂 I am so happy for you that you are dating some one that treats you so well!

    I used to be able to drink and not eat! But the two come hand in hand now 😦 This morning I woke up hungover with a take out food container beside my bed and don’t remember how it got there.

    Also, I know I am an alcoholic and when I start dating some one I worry that they will find out and look down on me.


    • My Darling K,

      I defy any man to look down on you. You are brilliant and talented and you are more than enough. We all have our demons that we have to fight. I am sorry that alcohol is a factor for you. I think I am border line and need to watch myself. I drink more when I am starving…so far it hasn’t encouraged me to binge. I do feel like I am going to have an epic binge in the next day or two. It is inevitable because I am eating so little.

      I am enjoying dating this kind, funny, wonderful man. I just wonder when he will realize that I am not worth it. I imagine it will happen sooner rather than later. I am so overwhelmed with emotions around him and it distresses me. I don’t want to fall in love or be vulnerable. He will hurt me in the end, I know it.

      Anyway hun, I just ate half a bag of snap peas and hummus. I feel like a whale. I wish we could go for coffee and straighten all our nonsense out. Fill me in on news from your end. I do hope you are feeling better than you have been. I worry about you.
      Much love,

      • K says:

        Dearest J,

        I am so happy that this man is making you happy. I can understand your hesitation about the future. I do not know what I would do in your situation. I become overwhelmed with emotions, too. They drown out any logical thinking. If I remember correctly you have known him for a long time? When did you see him as more than a friend?

        Everyone has their demons. Everyone is effed up in their own way. You are absolutely worth it. I would bet my life on that 🙂 Your qualities far outweigh your problems and anyone dumb enough not to see that is not worth it.

        It’s weird – I’ve had one boyfriend completely freak out when I told him about my bulimia and he was constantly worried about me, and one boyfriend tell me that he knows many girls with the same problem and even though we were together for 3 years and were going to get married, he never brought it up again. I’m not sure which one I prefer. Actually probably the latter – although I know it didn’t help with my recovery either because I wasn’t motivated to change.

        I don’t know how I am doing right now. What I have been afraid of for the past 6 months has come to be: I am alone again. Just today I finally broke everything off with MT. (I posted about it) I should be relieved. I should be happy that I am getting rid of a bad thing in my life. But a part of me feels that I was not good enough for him. J, I am turning 33 and have absolutely no prospects and have been so desperately lonely for the past 2 1/2 years. There must be something wrong with me.

        I really appreciate your concern and it means so much to me. I have never felt so alone.


      • Dear K,

        I am distressed by your loneliness and wish I could comfort you. You are so deserving of more than MT gave you. I wish I could assure you that you are wonderful and loveable and that in time there will be someone who gives you everything your heart desires. I think ED is so deeply rooted that we blame ourselves. I will be 32 next month. I live by myself with 2 cats. I have been divorced since I was 24…I feel like my life is meandering without purpose and only my faith in God keeps me believing that there is something more than this.

        I am in the middle of a lovely starvation phase and have managed to drop a bit of weight. I am also at the beginning of a relationship which is a big ED trigger for me. It gives me so much anxiety and being naked makes me want to vomit. We are going out for dinner just now and I am terrified of what I will have to consume and I wonder how and where I can get rid of it without him noticing. It is our first dinner date and I am wracked with nerves instead of being thrilled.

        Anyway, my love, enough of that nonsense. You write to me or call me if you have too. I want you to be well and happy. I would give you a hug if I could! You are beautiful, inside and out and I pray that in time you will find peace in yourself.

        Let me know how your weekend goes. Love and hugs,

      • K says:

        Dearest J, (I wasn’t sure how to reply inline so this response is out of chronological order)

        I believe we are truly worthy of love, of love so consuming and so overwhelming that it hurts. The last time I felt that was over 3 years ago. Maybe I have used up my chances. I do not know why I want this when I know that with it comes so much pain. But I feel that every avenue has pain – there is no way around it.

        Were you happy being single? Because I now know for sure that I am not. I feel weak and needy and pathetic saying it, but I want a relationship. I need something, or some one, to soothe my lonely, empty heart.

        How did your dinner date go?

        I am so envious or your weight loss. I hope I can emulate you very soon. If I have no love and no passion, the least I can have is my hunger and my body. I really wish we could go for coffee, too. I try not to share too much personal information on my blog but I feel like I can tell you here: I was actually born and raised in Canada. For me, that is home. Why? I don’t know. I am not close to family, my close friends are slowly moving on without me. The loves of my life that I left behind are there. There is lost happiness there that I will never get back.

        You are on track with your weight loss, and you have love in your life. Are you happy? I need to know the keys to happiness because it has been so long since I have been truly happy.

        I do enjoy our chats so much.


      • Dear K,

        Thank you for keeping up the conversation. So much of what you say resonates with me. I believe that some day you will find the happiness that you speak of. It is yours. I pray for it.

        I am rather frightened at the moment: on the edge of falling head over heels for this man. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear last night as we sat under the stars by a fire drinking wine. All I could think was that however happy we are now, eventually it will all end in tears. I felt like my heart would be ripped out of my chest. I want to love but I am scared of the hurt that comes with being so vulnerable. I am enveloped in emotions that are confusing me. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to need him or to get attached and I am not sure how to do one without the other.

        I have been happy being single. I have never felt like I needed someone to be happy. That being said, this one is making me happy so far! I will blog about it and keep you posted. I am happy to hear that Canada is home for you. I hope you find your way back to the place you belong, wherever that is.


  2. Reblogged this on faithfoodfear and commented:
    Mmmmm wine.

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