Bodies

 

My body fits into his body. Entwined, I curve into his kinks and crevices. Legs ravelled together, arms interlocking, torsos tilted inwards. We are pieced together. It is as though I have remembered his arms around me all my life, even before this moment. His hands caress my body; I am transported and repulsed at the same time. I imagine my fat, smooth and sickening beneath his finger tips: my ribs smothered in a layer of it, my waist rolling, my hips heavy with it. I want to lose myself in him but I am lost in my distress. When he kisses me I long to fall into him, safe at last. I leave instead to starve myself so that some day he might love me.

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2 thoughts on “Bodies

  1. K says:

    Hello Love,

    I just stopped by to say hello… I’m feeling particularly useless, lazy and lonely today. I skipped work again. I slept for over 10 hrs. I think it’s a combination of a Percocet and too-much-sleep hangover: I feel just so blah and out of it. All I want to do is eat, although I am not hungry.

    One of my co-workers suggested that he live with me for the next 9-10 months so that he can be closer to the hospital and so that I can cut down on costs. I am considering it not because of the extra cash, but because I am so goddamn lonely. But then I wondered if it would impede on me dating some one because I wouldn’t have much privacy in my apartment if I wanted some one to come over.

    I replied to your comment on my blog.. do tell me more about your date!

    Life really doesn’t seem like it has a point today. Somehow I think that this will change if I am skinny.

    How are you doing, my dear? I’m sorry for this pointless message. I just really needed to talk to some one…

    K

    • Hello my darling K,

      Sorry I have not been in touch all week. Please fill me in on how you are this weekend? It sounds like you have been suffering on all fronts.

      I hope you are not relying too much on percocet/booze/food to fill all the voids, but since I do it myself, I will only ask you to be careful.

      My girlfriend and I talked about being skinny yesterday and agreed that we would feel the same way we feel now. We always think that thin will change everything, but it just helps us to hate ourselves a bit less. It does not necessarily mean we love ourselves more.

      I am terrified by the way things have escalated this week with the guy I am seeing. It has been very full on and intense. I am very attracted to him and he is kind and attentive. However, I don’t see that this relationship can go anywhere. He has 2 children and I want to leave the country in the next year or two. I am trying not to over think it and my plan is to not get emotionally attached at all. I am also alarmed by the calories consumed when we are together…I am in a severe restricting phase right now and do not want it derailed because it took so long to happen!

      I am down 11 pounds since the beginning of June. I still need to lose at least another 15 to get back to where I was a few years ago. I know people told me then that I looked sick, but I didn’t care.

      Anyway, send me and update on your situation. I am sending you lots of love,
      J

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