Fat B**ch

Fat B**ch

My doctor accidentally told me how much I weighed at my physical today.

I immediately burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably. I sat there in a hospital gown, my gargantuan thighs peeking out, unable to stop the tears. I think she was shocked by my sudden outburst, but I have never told her the depths of my eating disorder struggles so she doesn’t have much context.

Why was I so shocked by the actual number? I knew I had packed on the pounds since this time last year when she lowered my thyroid medication and I attempted recovery. I had guessed it was 15lbs and I was right.: 15.4lbs exactly. I have refused to weigh myself in a year and a half in order to stop the spiral of restriction from starting again. Now that I know the horrible, hideous, heavy number, I plan to weigh myself every day and restrict more and purge more and exercise more. This is unacceptable. I refuse to be this weight.

She agrees that this amount of weight in one year is not normal although she refuses to credit it to my hypothyroidism because I am medicated. I disagree with her, but she is the “expert”. My LDL cholesterol has gone from being abnormally low to being high enough for me to be at risk from it.
“It must be your diet and lifestyle,” she assures me. “Maybe you should be on a medically supervised weight loss plan?”
I think of my vegetarian diet and of all the days that I eat rice cakes, cottage cheese, hummus and celery and count calories. I think of the hours I spend in the gym and teaching ballet. I think of the only bad food that I eat when I’m on a binge and which I purge immediately after.
“Perhaps you should exercise more to make sure you are burning fat,” she keeps her lecture going and I want to punch her. I have been so sick for three weeks and the guilt at not working out has consumed me. Today I arrive in her office in my exercise clothes and runners, straight from the gym still sweating from my workout.

“Your weight is not bad,” she tells me in an attempt to stop the crying that goes on for an uncomfortably long time. “You are not overweight, you have a healthy BMI so it just depends on how happy you are with your weight.”
“I’m not happy at all. I can’t be this heavy. It distresses me. I am sure I will have a full-blown relapse,” I sob as mascara and snot run down my fat, red face.

She finishes my physical which is now awkward, gives me a vitamin B12 shot and smiles sympathetically at me. “Have a nice day…and take care of yourself.”
Of course I won’t.

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23 thoughts on “Fat B**ch

  1. Oh Hun 😢
    First off, I also suffer from hypothyroidism and it’s a nightmare!!! Nobody can possibly understand unless they suffer from it. To make things worse, the majority of doctors don’t understand how to correctly take and interpret the lab work in order to properly diagnose and treat the patient.

    This website saved my life!!!

    It could be simply that you need to go up on your dosage or change medications.
    I was on synthroid for the longest but still had symptoms… Switched to nature-throid and am worlds better.
    A lot of doctors have misconceptions about this medication… It’s awesome!!!!!

    I hope this can help you feel less alone, more empowered, and maybe like there is some hope.

    As far as her comments about eating better and exercize, she is not on the right page as far as treating you.
    Restricting and the B/P cycle can make the thyroid problem worse- adding to your frustration.

    I know this, since I’m in the same boat.
    It doesn’t stop the urges tho… So my suggestion in the mean time is lots of vitamins and fluids and electrolytes. Anything to help your thyroid stay healthy.

    I’m here if u need a shoulder 😉
    You are deserving, whether u know it or not.

    • It is so lovely that you understand. I have read that website before and it is so interesting to find out all that others struggle with the same symptoms despite being medicated. I am so frustrated that because I take a pill, she thinks I am magically cured. I am a vegetarian which is why I don’t take “natural” thyroid hormone because it comes from animals so that is a big problem. I know a lot of people suffer on synthroid.
      My doctor wanted to lower my dosage again today (after lowering it last year, big weight gain, then upping it again). I told her over my dead body!

      • Good for you!!! You tell her girl!!!
        Yes I’m vegan, and have a difficult time with any animal product going into my body.
        I wonder if there’s a synthetic that replaces t-3 and t-4 since synthroid only replaces t-4.

        I’ve had many specialists tell me it’s not needed but it made a lot of difference.

        When was the last time ur levels were tested? She shouldn’t be going down on anything unless ur showing hyperthyroid with high t-4.

        It really is so frustrating being a thyroid patient, waiting up to 8 weeks for meds to kick in- I just wish I could jump start this thing and get it working again. 😕

        In any case, I’m in ur corner and pulling for ya.

      • My t4 was up which is why she wanted to lower it and I refused. The last time she lowered it, I put on 15lbs in 3 months hence the weight gain I am still dealing with. I am trying to add synthetic t3 too (Cytomel). I have heard that people seem to feel better on both especially if your body won’t convert t4.

        Thanks for being in my corner. I am all the more blessed because of it. xo

      • Good to hear you’ve already researched it, if it’s high, it sounds like your body’s not converting it.

        I’m currently fighting my Endo cuz he wants to take me off my meds completely, let me go totally hypo for 4 weeks before putting me on something else… And I live in Phoenix and can’t tolerate heat. I wanted to cry.

      • I’m sorry..how is it going? I am taking some t3 too…perhaps I can lower the t4. Do you suffer blurry vision from it? I do.. it is weird.

      • No I don’t.. That’s odd. I have a pituitary tumor that causes the thyroid crap and that can cause vision problems

  2. heartlectics says:

    I’m sorry but she sounds like a pathetic doctor in this context. Were there no options for ED treatment? I’m sorry she is so useless. You may have to muster up some courage and say ‘I need help with my ED’ for her to understand. Big big hugs. Fighting for you here.

  3. teenieyogini says:

    It doesn’t sound like your doctor is doing a very good job. I’m sorry you are having to deal with that. You are surrounded by folks who really do care though. Keep at it!

  4. Sarah says:

    I feel your pain. I hate your Doctor. I send you love and support. I have an ED too and I think one tool that works is doing just what you are doing, talking about it. I think it thrives on secrecy. We have it and we can beat it. I saw a movie that helped me a bit the other day. It was called ” the edge” and had Anthony Hopkins in it. One thing he kept saying was “if one person can do it, another person can do it” I thought “if one person can recover from an ED (and many have and I haven’t but I am recovering and I will recover) then another person can. He also spoke of overcoming shame in an interesting and uplifting twisty way.

  5. That visit to the doctor sounds horrible. She’s terrible at this and her complete lack of understanding is so… ><

  6. littlevoicetalks says:

    There is no comfort on days like this I know. But you are amazing. The cholesterol thing is normal amongst people with eating disorders. It’s no through unhealthy lifestyle per se. I only know this because of the eating disorder unit I was under. People with eating disorders LDL often goes high in response to the eating disorder so I was told by the consultant psychiatrist I was seeing at the time.

    The doctor is giving you mixed messages “medically supervised weight loss plan” and “healthy BMI.” You are not overweight so why talk about a diet with you? Seems to me she’s not really understanding anything about you.

    For one day and one day only, I would like to have thighs like Nicole Ritchie. Sick but true. Someone called me Quadzilla the other days and told me “oh, that’s why you’ve got big thighs then.” Arrows, straight through my body dismorphic soul. xx

    • I hear those arrows whistling through the air. I remember each one that has pierced my ED riddled soul. I am sorry that you have had to suffer all this too.

      I think Nicole Ritchie is gorgeous. I would love to look like that permanently.

      I have decided I need a new doctor who will at least give a damn about my health…that is my new project to find one who actually cares.

      Thank you for the kind words and support. xo

  7. K says:

    Hi my Love,

    I am so sorry you’re hurting and I can sadly say I know how awful you feel. Every single moment of every day there is a skipping record playing in my mind: You’re fat, stop eating, I can’t. It consumes me and paints everything a sorrowful shade of grey.

    I just wanted to remind you that there were some studies that showed that purging only rids the body of a fraction of the calories, no matter how much we wretch. The calories from the binges we have far outweigh the purging. And purging usually leads to more bingeing… this is why I think bulimics aren’t normally underweight and can actually be on the heavier side.

    That being said, I want to restrict and fast more than ever now because I am so disgusting, but this often leads to binges.. but I can’t stop. If I eat normally I feel like a failure and end up overeating. I’m so screwed up.

    What had your doctor decided to do about your thyroid meds? I can’t imagine how frustrating this situation must be 😦

    Sending you thoughts of love and strength


    • Hello darling K,

      I need an update from you! It has been sooooooo long. I wish I had something new to report besides the usual ED BS.

      I am struck by your line, “It consumes me and paints everything a sorrowful shade of grey.” You are so right. Everything in my life is tinged by ED. I have had several social occasions this week, outings, coffee dates, gym times, suntanning, walks by the river and they are all over shadowed by ED.

      I know that bulimics are often heavier…I am a good example of that, although the 15lbs went on last year when the doc lowered my thyroid meds. She put them back up and not one pound came off. I have been weighing every day since Monday and am making the scale go down. I am also looking for a new doctor.

      Thanks for the love you send my way. It indeed brings strength. I wish freedom from ED for you, sanity and peace.


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