Pasta and Oblivion

Pasta and Oblivion

It’s 8pm on a Monday night and I am blotto. Four sheets to the wind. I have the warm and fuzzies after my fourth drink. The hard edges have started to blur.

My girlfriend is disassociating from the man she lives with. I am disassociating from myself. Did I ever actually associate with myself come to think of it? Perhaps when I was eight? It seems that was the last time I knew ‘me’ before ED kicked in, took over, killed me and replaced me with a binge eating maniac.

Half way through our fifth round of drinks I start twitching. I am desperate to get away from here. I panic wanting to purge the food and booze we have consumed. There is even more food at home and it is calling me. I can no longer be in the moment. I can see the pasta that is waiting for me. I can taste it and feel it. I try to focus on our conversation, but to no avail. Once I have fixated on food, there is no changing course. I am determined. I am stoic in my quest to abuse myself. I slide fluidly out of the bar without skipping a beat and find myself standing at my fridge door. Always. Where else would I find pasta and oblivion?

I eat and eat and eat. I purge and purge and purge. It seems fitting that tomorrow there is an eating disorder presentation at the ballet school to help staff identify and deal with eating disorders. I will be there, of course, pretending.

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15 thoughts on “Pasta and Oblivion

  1. zimburbanite says:

    Girls with ED are the ultimate actresses! Living double lives!

    • I felt like such a fraud today sitting through that ED presentation meant for our students. She was describing Russell’s sign (callouses on back of knuckles from teeth) and I was hiding mine at the same time.

  2. I hate that “binge switch” in my brain (hmm, just realised what word that makes if you combine them…) that activates and makes me think solely of food. The constant thought “sugar, sugar, sugar” getting louder and louder until I have eaten everything remotely sweet in the house. I hate this part of my disorder – spending far too much on food that I hardly taste as I stuff it frantically into my mouth, sometimes eating until I vomit because nothing more will fit into my stomach – but I won’t give it up because I love the other part – the part where I restrict for months and can go a week without eating, watching the scale drop and my bones get more defined, not needing food, feeling in control.

    • I no longer have that feeling. I can’t restrict for lengths of time any more. It is my biggest failure. I hope in time you manage to get out of the clutches of your ED. I hope you don’t need bingeing or starving to be a part of your life anymore xo

  3. girlv20 says:

    I can hardcore relate. Sometimes I think there was no time of association, just the eating disorder waiting to happen. Le sigh.

  4. bendy mind says:

    Lol love that last line. Xo

  5. I never thought about disassociating from myself and how I do lose time because I am so focused on food. Oblivion indeed. I haven’t been present in a long time! Can you imagine all of us together lol

  6. girlv20 says:

    @ambivalencegirl It would be either the best or worst party ever. But I did get a huge laugh out of that.

  7. jmckennareed says:

    I recognize so much of this. Thanks for writing it.

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