Death Via Bulimia

Death Via Bulimia

I will never know until it is too late. I will never understand all the damage I have done until there is nothing I can do about it. I can never know what will fail me first: kidneys or heart? I have no idea what exactly will take years off my life until the day I face the certainty that I will never have those years. I do not know if I can ever have the children I have longed for. I have never meant to die from this, but I know that it is killing me.

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15 thoughts on “Death Via Bulimia

  1. So true, and it’s strange to not care until your in recovery isn’t it?

    • Yes…all the years that I was told my hair would fall out and my teeth would decay, I just didn’t care. Now I have thin hair and bad teeth and it bothers me.

      • Yep. Crazy crazy! My last blog took me to a real dark place completely by accident. It was intended to convey that eating disorders are about more than just weight. There are heavy things we carry, and each story may be different but nobody on the outside “gets it”

      • I feel these heavy things today. I am weighed down by sadness. Nobody gets it and I never expect them too. I envy those who have not suffered this madness.

      • Awww I’m sad to hear that you had a hard day yesterday. It’s been a rough go of it for me recently. Why I’m revisiting this dark place is beyond me. I second you in your envy, and would also add on envy for those who have never tasted despair.

      • I am sorry you are revisiting this dark place. Time to go somewhere new and full of light. I hope you can move towards better things soon. Sending love and some hugs in case you need them xo

      • Thank you 🙂 I’m so grateful to feel such love from you.

  2. I think we all need to snap out of it! Is that possible? That diagram is nasty. You are worth so much more

  3. littlevoicetalks says:

    I had a wake up call (lasted 5 minutes) at NY. Hospital with kidney stones, creatinine and dehydration all due without shadow of a doubt to the purging associated with my brand of ED, lack of fluids, over exercising and sauna misuse. I realised for 5minutes I wasn’t bullet proof and vowed to change. The change lasted 5 minutes until I was so repulsed by myself, I felt the urge to beat myself up from inside out.

    My throat is permanently sore lately, my rib is threatening to slip again which will be its 9th time of dislocating, I recently pukes and a MASSIVE blood blister errupted on my tongue, it was grim. And I semi-realise what pressure is coming through my head.

    However, I’m getting to the point now where I see no ‘out’ and I genuinely feel if this is going to take me, then do it soon because I am genuinely fed up of the torment of waking up to battle through another day. And I guess this is where alcohol slots in. Because on the days the food noise is too much, the booze shuts it up magnificently. I feel like I chase my tail…

    Your blog speaks of so much of what I feel. I wish you love and recovery and hope one day we all find it. xx

    • I wish it for you too. It sounds like you are really suffering terribly with horrible side effects. I know I should wake up and sort myself out, but every day that I see my revolting reflection I have no other choice. Tonight I am drinking to quell my debilitating anxiety instead of a B/P cycle. I don’t know which is worse at this point. I wish you hope to recovery and the strength to accomplish it. I want you to have a life without ED. xo

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