I went clothes shopping today.
Everyone with ED knows how traumatic this is. I DO NOT try things on in the store. I pick out things in the size that I think I am and psyche myself up when I get home for the inevitable disappointment that is coming.
I picked out two pairs of pants in size 6 that looked like they would fit. Sadly one of them was actually a size 8 which was severely depressing to find out after I got them on and they fit. The other size 6 went on without difficulty. This time last year, I could get into a 2 (sometimes) or 4 so it is rather sad to know that I have gone back to a 6. I think the only reason that I haven’t slit my wrists tonight is because I knew I was heavier and I was anticipating the 6 not going past my knees. I am relieved even though I should be disgusted.
I bought about seven tops (they are usually a safer bet than pants). A couple of smalls fit. One was too small. One medium was too tight and one fit just right and one was too loose. I feel like Goldilocks. Just goes to show that sizes really are skewed. This time last year I could grab an extra small off the rack and know it would look good. I forgot how it feels to be thin. A workout top in a medium hung off me. Workout pants in a medium were too small to the point that it was revolting. I had the expected (disproportionate) reaction to each: joy and horror.
On the plus
size side, I can still squeeze into many of my pants that I wore last year when I was 10-15lbs lighter (as a reminder). To be fair, there are two that are lying on my closet floor because I broke the zippers trying to wriggle into them. I only ever buy pants when I am skinny in a starvation phase and I refuse to buy bigger sizes when my weight goes up. I just walk around looking like a sausage roll and being uncomfortable. I am too terrified of buying bigger pants and admitting the truth that I spend my life denying. I am scared that a size 8 will become a size 10 will become a size 12.
I even sleep in too tight pants to remind myself to stop eating. Tonight I am eating salad and drinking wine. I was sure I was going to binge tonight from work anxiety and the reality of being a size 6. It might still happen. After all, size matters.