Size Matters

Size Matters

I went clothes shopping today.

Everyone with ED knows how traumatic this is. I DO NOT try things on in the store. I pick out things in the size that I think I am and psyche myself up when I get home for the inevitable disappointment that is coming.

I picked out two pairs of pants in size 6 that looked like they would fit. Sadly one of them was actually a size 8 which was severely depressing to find out after I got them on and they fit. The other size 6 went on without difficulty. This time last year, I could get into a 2 (sometimes) or 4 so it is rather sad to know that I have gone back to a 6. I think the only reason that I haven’t slit my wrists tonight is because I knew I was heavier and I was anticipating the 6 not going past my knees. I am relieved even though I should be disgusted.

I bought about seven tops (they are usually a safer bet than pants). A couple of smalls fit. One was too small. One medium was too tight and one fit just right and one was too loose. I feel like Goldilocks. Just goes to show that sizes really are skewed. This time last year I could grab an extra small off the rack and know it would look good. I forgot how it feels to be thin. A workout top in a medium hung off me. Workout pants in a medium were too small to the point that it was revolting. I had the expected (disproportionate) reaction to each: joy and horror.

On the plus size side, I can still squeeze into many of my pants that I wore last year when I was 10-15lbs lighter (as a reminder). To be fair, there are two that are lying on my closet floor because I broke the zippers trying to wriggle into them. I only ever buy pants when I am skinny in a starvation phase and I refuse to buy bigger sizes when my weight goes up. I just walk around looking like a sausage roll and being uncomfortable. I am too terrified of buying bigger pants and admitting the truth that I spend my life denying. I am scared that a size 8 will become a size 10 will become a size 12.

I even sleep in too tight pants to remind myself to stop eating. Tonight I am eating salad and drinking wine. I was sure I was going to binge tonight from work anxiety and the reality of being a size 6. It might still happen. After all, size matters.

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24 thoughts on “Size Matters

  1. Uggghhhhhh. I hate buying clothes. I need to soon, but I’m dreading it.
    And with not having a scale, and trying to follow a meal plan, I have no idea what size I am right now. I’m terrified of finding out.

  2. tvkapherr (Cats at the Bar) says:

    I can relate, even from a guys prespective. I’m a size 32. Have been since I was a teenager. The last few years I resigned my self to the fact that I put on winter fat and blowup to a 34. But by June I loose it again. My horror came grabbing, like you, off the rack a pair of jeans. When I tried them on and went Yah…only to discover I had mistakenly grabbed not a 32 or even a 34. But a 36!!! I drowned my sorrows realizing I now have fight to get back to 32. I’m not a puppy anymore. 😦

  3. Oh, I think this is my biggest fear….but in reality, size doesn’t matter….we all just need to keep remembering who we are, how beautiful we are on the inside (and outside…even though we can’t see what others do), and focus on what really matters….and I just can’t think it is a number on the tag inside our clothing!! I know, I should be the to talk, but I need to learn this too!!

  4. thinlace says:

    So, the other day I read this blog posting titled, “Women shouldn’t wear pants.” It was awesome, and totally convincing 🙂 I snagged it for you. I also wanted to say that I tend to like my shirts bigger. They make me feel smaller, and look smaller cuz it appears the shirts are always loose. Check out the posting, its a good one 🙂

    • This is a great post. I have a smaller waist so pants that will go over my massive thighs and fit my huge ass and hips, will always gape in the waist. I have aa hour glass shape which I have been told by several men always looks better in a dress. For some reason I still insist on buying pants, although I did buy ANOTHER maxi dress today. They are my favourite piece of clothing for hiding all my sins and feeling elegant. Thanks for sharing that post with me:)

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