This is my first premeditated binge in a long time. I have forgotten quite how long.

I plot it while I am still at work. After another day of being haunted by my reflection in the studio, I snap. It is as though it is second nature. I have not forgotten this: hurriedly grabbing food at a grocery store, already euphoric; frantically eating on the drive home, oblivious.

1 bag of potato chips
4 bowls of pasta
3/4 of a block of cheese
7 wonder bars
2 glasses of Baileys

I eat and I am full right away. My body has forgotten how to binge. I purge. I lie on the couch. I watch tv. I binge again. I purge again. I spit blood. This my body has not forgotten how to do.

Then I sit on the side of the bathtub, empty and distraught. Knuckles scraped and throat raw, I sob. Something is missing from my soul.

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12 thoughts on “Tuesday

  1. I am currenly binging. I planned it hours ago while I was at treatment. Tonight was hard. It was stressful and challenging, I planned this, and I’ve looked forward to it all night. It’s what kept me going tonight.

  2. littlevoicetalks says:

    I relate to the ‘missing.’ Still haven’t found it on my watch. When I do, I’ll be sure to share it … x

  3. Hie, I have been throwing up blood lately when purging, In all the years I have been bulimic the throwing up blood thing has started from nowhere I throw up blood right away even before the food has come out and I know it’s normal to throw up a bit of blood but I am so afraid that because of all the years of purging my throat is about to snap and any purge could kill me. I just wanted to know if you take anything after throwing up blood? Antibiotics maybe?. I hate that I cannot purge because I am so afraid I might die and I am looking for remedy so I no longer purge blood. The solutions we seek so we can keep perpetuating a disorder… It’s a shame.

  4. Oh god I’ve all but forgotten about the blood part, but everything else feels like just yesterday.

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