I’m A Machine

I'm A Machine

I’m a tank to be precise.

I skipped dinner last night. For the briefest of moments today, I woke up and felt thinner. I put my new workout clothes on (I rewarded myself for not bingeing), and went to the gym. As soon as I walked into the studio and looked at my reflection, I was furious. I am huge. I am big, heavy, undefined and hideous. Three months of working out, counting calories and reducing my ED behaviours have done nothing for me. I am bigger than I was at Christmas when I went home and that was big enough.

I worked out for 90 minutes today. Half an hour of HIIT and an hour of weight lifting. I begin to wonder why I bother. I am not losing size and I have no definition. I am just thick and chunky and bulky and revolting.

My girlfriend asked me if I have taken before and after photos to motivate me or track my progress and I laugh because the thought is ridiculous. I was thinner BEFORE I started working out five times a week and eating a “healthy” 1200 calories a day. I was thinner when I was starving, bingeing and purging regularly. I looked at photos taken last year when I was 15lbs lighter and I wanted to cry. I wasn’t anorexic looking but I was thin, for me. I loved it. And it is long gone.

Why take photos? To remind myself that ED works and being healthy doesn’t? I can see that every day in the mirror. I don’t need any more “motivation”.

Here is a picture of me 15lbs ago.

 

 

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26 thoughts on “I’m A Machine

  1. I am having the opposite problem. I will not eat for a day, then eat one meal and purge that, and then I’ll weigh and it says I’ve gained 5 pounds. I’ll binge and purge 4 times in a day and it says I’ve gained 2. I’ll eat one meal a day, that is promptly purged, for a week, and I’ve gained 7 pounds. Apparently, it just doesn’t matter because my body spontaneously produces fat.

    • I wonder if we have f**ked our bodies up so much that they are out of our control?

      • That’s the only thing I can assume. Though, I also am working under the assumption that my body does actually spontaneously produce fat. Because it’s the only thing that makes logic to me. I’m going to go google this and see if it’s a thing.

      • Let me know….my body is on its own mission. It puts on weight and cellulite by itself despite a vegetarian diet and an obsession with exercise and 20 years of ED. I am soooooooo mad today!!!

      • I didn’t find anything that looked medically or scientifically sound. =(
        I feel like writing out my intake on paper for my doctor and being like, “Why the hell doesn’t this add up??”
        And starting Monday, I have weigh-ins daily. I’m SOOO looking forward to that! Now all the people at the ED clinic can watch me gain weight and speculate about how much food I binge on in secret.

      • Sorry that doesn’t sound fun. Can you send updates from there or not?

      • Yeah, I’m doing their intensive outpatient program, so I’ll be home in the evenings

      • Ok keep me posted. Fingers crossed you find some healing.

      • littlevoicetalks says:

        To gain 1lb of fat you have to eat 3,500kcals over the calories you need for your body to live so it isn’t possible for it to be 7lbs of fat over night (honestly). It’ll be something hormonal or to do with the sugar that my have been ingested in the binge OR degydration. For every 1g of carbohydrate you eat, it needs to be stored along with 3g of water. When the carbs get burned the water is a by product usually coming away as sweat.

        I can intellectualise all of this (as it’s my field) but I also know how scary it is to see that number on the scale go up and find it hard to take on board what I know to be fact. This is why I hate this illness, it makes us feel rogue, like we are above the laws of nature and why would we stop the insanity when the number goes up.

        There is a rebound effect when we are dehydrated too from purging. So days after a purge the body will hold water for a while until it is confident it’s been rehydrated and that’s when the excess water is eliminated from the body. I hope this helps a little allay the fear, although, I know it probably won’t as it never has for me. Love to both xx

      • Thanks for the logic 🙂 I don’t use much of it in relation to ED but it is interesting. I do think my body has “gone rogue”. That might just be my new favourite expression!

      • Littlevoicetalks, this might actually explain some of it. I used to take a daily dieretic and I’ve recently stopped, so I may just have ALL the water. However, that only sort of makes sense to me.
        Granted, my brain doesn’t seem to accept anything as fact for any length of time and half the things people tell me are true my brain says are false so I’ve just given up on trying to know what’s what anymore.

      • littlevoicetalks says:

        Give it a few more days minus diuretics and you’ll be racing to the loo peeing like a race-horse. It’s just having the ability to override the hideous disordered brain that’s telling you to do something drastic. There is always a rebound effect from diuretics as well as laxatives. Nightmare isn’t it? xx

      • Personally am always more bloated and puffy after purging or laxatives. It is nonsensical and yet I am still going to go purge my cheese and crackers!

  2. Well you look terrific in the picture, but you have to remember what life was like…it is so easy to forget the hell and only focus on the looks. And I cannot imagine that the elephants you have posted come anywhere near to describing how you look now. OMG, what I would give to have moved as far along as you and have gained some weight be ridden of the fear and idiotic behaviors I am involved in. Hang in there…it has to get better, easier, happier….really, it does…otherwise I wouldn’t even bother to think about change, You are stronger than all this!!!! And you know that!

    • Wish I could tell you that just because I have got fat that the fear and behaviours have gone, but they haven’t. The self loathing is worse because I am heavier and I still manage to binge/purge a couple of times a week. I know that there must be some light at the end of this tunnel for all of us so yes, we hang on and change even if it makes no sense at all!

  3. littlevoicetalks says:

    You’re blog entry got me thinking this morning. Hope you don’t mind, I’ve referred to you in a post. Lots of love x

  4. K says:

    Hi again 🙂

    I was wondering if you count calories now? Because maybe you are eating more than 1200 kcal/day? It is so easy to underestimate how much we eat 😦 As well, did you used to do weights when you were 15lbs lighter?

    I wish I could tell you to accept yourself and that it is more important to be healthy, but I would be a hypocrite. I know I will not be happy until I lose my last 15lbs. And gone are the days in my 20’s when I was able to eat whatever I wanted (within reason – but even managed 4 cookies a day and eating out at least once a week) and still be 107lbs. I am a bloated, disgusting 125lbs right now after my depression binge of the fall. And it is impossible, just impossible, to lose it. Probably because I still have a huge binge at least once a week and am having a harder and harder time bringing things back up. Looking in the mirror is agony. Every day of my life is pervaded with thoughts of corpulence and rolls of flesh and fat thighs. I am so sick of it.

    Sorry for the depressing comment!

    Sending you positive thoughts,
    K

    • K says:

      btw you look fantastic

    • Thanks for the positive thoughts, K. And for refusing to address me as “fat”!

      15lbs ago I was not weight training. I was doing hot yoga 5 times a week. I was pretty untoned, I think especially in the bum and thighs. They were skinnier but flabby and covered in cellulite.

      I would give my eye teeth to weigh 125lbs! How tall are you? I am 5’9″ and because I cannot bare to weigh myself at the moment, I am guesstimating my weight at 145-150lbs which is so depressing. I am still counting calories on my app everyday. I have a trick of overestimating what I eat and underestimating my exercise calories just to be sure I don’t go over. No luck though. Am just big and fat and shapeless.

      I am sorry your day is full of thoughts of fat thighs. So are mine. And I teach in front of mirrors in the ballet studio all day just in case I need reminding of how fat I really am. I am sending you some love and hugs. Be kind to yourself.

      Love,
      J

      • K says:

        See I’m a midget! I’m 5’4″, so 125lbs is not impressive at all!! Actually given my very small frame (even at my fattest I was never bigger than a size 6), even at a normal BMI I look flabby. With my body type I should be “underweight” to have a body fat percentage within a normal range. Right now I am disgusting. Purely revolting and I hate myself right now. I am hoping my “food detox” while I’m traveling will help me lose weight.

        I am sending you lots of love and hope that one day you will be at peace with your body. It does amazing things! You’re so active and graceful and you inspire people with your work!

        xoxo,
        K

      • Hi K,

        I will have to take your word for it 😉 125 still sounds like a dream to me even if you are 5’4″! I am still squeezing into my size 6 pants which is a disgusting sight to see, but I refuse to buy a bigger size. At one point I was skinny enough to be a 4 and very occasionally if I didn’t care about my circulation, a size 2. That was so long ago now, I forgot what it feels like to be skinny. I wish I could have bottled that feeling. It was glorious.

        Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. They gave me strength this morning as I went to the gym and to ballet to teach. I hope you have had a good day and have been kind to your body.

        Love,
        J

  5. kelseeymg says:

    Why take photos? To remind myself that ED works and being healthy doesn’t? I can see that every day in the mirror. I don’t need any more “motivation”.

    This part is EVERYTHING. I’m so so glad I’m not the only one that has this mindset. I feel like I see faster results from my ED than from working out.

  6. Steve Morris says:

    Your before pic looks great, but the eating habits clearly weren’t. I think you just need to stick at it and be more forgiving to yourself.

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