I’m a tank to be precise.
I skipped dinner last night. For the briefest of moments today, I woke up and felt thinner. I put my new workout clothes on (I rewarded myself for not bingeing), and went to the gym. As soon as I walked into the studio and looked at my reflection, I was furious. I am huge. I am big, heavy, undefined and hideous. Three months of working out, counting calories and reducing my ED behaviours have done nothing for me. I am bigger than I was at Christmas when I went home and that was big enough.
I worked out for 90 minutes today. Half an hour of HIIT and an hour of weight lifting. I begin to wonder why I bother. I am not losing size and I have no definition. I am just thick and chunky and bulky and revolting.
My girlfriend asked me if I have taken before and after photos to motivate me or track my progress and I laugh because the thought is ridiculous. I was thinner BEFORE I started working out five times a week and eating a “healthy” 1200 calories a day. I was thinner when I was starving, bingeing and purging regularly. I looked at photos taken last year when I was 15lbs lighter and I wanted to cry. I wasn’t anorexic looking but I was thin, for me. I loved it. And it is long gone.
Why take photos? To remind myself that ED works and being healthy doesn’t? I can see that every day in the mirror. I don’t need any more “motivation”.
Here is a picture of me 15lbs ago.