If I had a dollar for every time that I have trawled the grocery store aisles looking for love…
Is it in the pasta aisle or next to the ice cream? Maybe it is on a shelf like the jar of peanut butter that wants me to take it home? Perhaps it is nestled in the bakery section between celebratory cakes and coffee-meeting doughnuts. I look every time, just in case. It would be a shame to miss it and go home alone instead.
At a child’s first birthday party, I am the only single person. I am the only childless person. I sit by the table and put cheese into the void where love should go. It sticks to my insides, my thighs and my arteries. Close enough, I think, to what love does. It mimics the comfort of romance and a hand to hold through the bleak winter for a millisecond before it becomes more regret. It pretends for a moment to be the arms I never feel around me or the kisses that have not filled my days. It seems like the love I have been searching for all my life long.
I ask God when he is going to be there for me. When some of the dreams I have held dear, clung to, fought for might come to be. He doesn’t answer me. He doesn’t show up when I need him most. In the dark, crawling hours of distress, He is not there. When I cry out in the endless night for redemption, I am met with silence. When I beg for salvation, for deliverance, there is only the emptiness echoing back at me.
No matter. ED is here, always. Faithful friend; companion of many years; lover of my desperately, lonely heart.
Fat Ballerina 
no love on the shelf unless you visit the store often enough and the manager or clerk should happen to look your way. The ed lies, whispers untruths and takes away any chance of dreams coming true. God is often silent, I am still not sure if He is there but I pray He is.
you are beautiful and the love shines through you….yup, don’t see it in the food!
Your words truly echo my sentiments!
I’m sad that we are in the same boat and that you have to know this feeling. Love and hugs xx
I’m pretty sure love is in the jar of goobers, the peanute butter with strawberry jam together in stripes. Eaten with a spoon. Purged in the bathroom.
I’ve been reading through Job (meaning I just started yesterday and haven’t gotten very far). I’ve always heard people refer to it as an encouragement when they’re going through rough times, but I remember the last time I read it just being aggrevated. However, I thought I’d give it another try. Psalms is always what helps me, though.
I love Psalms. I should read it more. Thanks for the reminder.
I can so relate. The YEARS I spent begging God to speak to me. Asking God why he wasn’t answering me. Why was He so silent? Where is He? Why does He speak to others and not me? What is wrong with me? I must not be listening hard enough. I must be doing something wrong. God has abandoned me. Why, though? No, it can’t be. The bible doesn’t lie – God doesn’t lie. He’s waiting. He’s waiting for the right time. I need to be patient in my affliction. God is all I have. To God, a million years is a second. I can’t rely on my own understanding. I have to continue to trust that God will rescue me.
And He has. I liken myself to the Israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years. I am just shy of 40 years old but have finally been rescued. I am 100 days symptom free and experiencing more happiness than has ever been felt before in all my years. I am walking by faith, not by sight.
“For to set the mind on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6
I find this so uplifting and encouraging. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes we need others to help strengthen our faith when we are weak. I commend you on your 100 days of being symptom free! What an achievement! I pray it continues. Love and blessings xx