I have decided to quit my twelve step program. I joined Freedom Sessions (a Christian based 12 step program), in September 2013. At first I had a lot of (misplaced) hope. Like any other time I have tried to “recover”, I was full of enthusiasm and faith. Four months later, I have had no break throughs, miracles or epiphanies. My faith has worn thin and is fading fast unlike my lard arse which has continued to grow immeasurably as I have (somewhat) tried to give up ED.

The idea behind Freedom Sessions is not just recovery, but healing from the pain that causes you to use your drug of choice. Apparently Step 4 (the inventories) is the worst time to quit. We are supposed to get sponsors now and should be seeing results but, I have seen nothing except the inside of a toilet bowl as I heave up yet another meal.

I feel bad for making this decision but I have come to realize that God does not owe me anything. He certainly doesn’t owe me healing or the strength to keep going when I am at my lowest. He doesn’t owe me freedom from ED or the miracle of recovery that I have begged for. He doesn’t owe me thinness or sanity or both. And because I do not like being insane, I will stop repeating the same behaviour (going to Freedom Sessions) and expecting a different result (freedom). On the other hand, starving and purging will give me a result (of a kind), and for now, that is better than nothing.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 thoughts on “Quitting

  1. Ani says:

    This is heartbreaking. I have struggled with an ED in the past and it definitely creeps up from time to time. I am a firm believer that we can only change if we truly want to, no one else can do it for us. I hope that you will continue your fight – I know that you can win.

  2. beingrescued says:

    I completely agree with you that God does not owe us anything. But the amazing thing about that is how he answers our prayers anyway! It may not always be in our time or exactly the answer we were looking for, but we can’t forgot that NOTHING can separate us from God’s deep love for us. He answers every prayer according to His will and His time. We aren’t meant to understand it. Keep your head up! We are in this TOGETHER, and I have faith that The Lord can and WILL grant us the power to overcome. Never give up! You are a beautiful writer; God has definitely blessed you with that! 🙂 Don’t forget that you were made in His very image and are perfect just the way you are! God bless. ❤

  3. heartlectics says:

    Don’t be too discouraged. You may have just not found the right treatment for you. Keep looking. Recovery is possible. Xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: