STOP

I can’t stop eating.

My brain tells my body to stop. I eat regardless. It is as though my body is rebelling against my brain.

I bloat and spread and expand to the four corners of the earth. I am hideous to myself in a way that scares me. This half-life is no longer worth sustaining.

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9 thoughts on “STOP

  1. I could have written this entry. I understand in a way that only we can. I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way…. and I am sending you love and hugs if you would like them. Please try to be gentle with yourself. And remember that you are not alone.

  2. littlevoicetalks says:

    Very much how I’ve been feeling of late too. I wish this disease never existed. I wish you lots of strength and love. x

  3. K says:

    Hi Darling,

    It’s been a long time but I think of you often! I know exactly how you feel… shit I just wrote an entry on my blog “Just stop eating”.. no joke!!! http://skinnybitchms.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/just-stop-eating/

    I have been a disgusting mess lately. It’s career stress and feeling so fat and disgusting and too far gone to lose weight. I gained 20 lbs. TWENTY. In TWO MONTHS.

    Hang in there.. we just need to figure out what is bothering us. We’re doing this to soothe and comfort ourselves from something negative in our lives. Do you have any idea what it is right now that is bothering you?

    Love,
    K

    • K!

      Hi darling. I have missed you! I am going to check out your blog post now. I follow your blog but for some reason, it doesn’t show up in my news feed when it should.

      Anyway, lots is bothering me! Hypothyroid. Got a higher doseage of meds but nothings giving in the weight department. Work stress. Nothing new there. I am in a very toxic environment with regards to several people I work with. And finally, anxiety over my trip home for Xmas. I am going to see my family for 5 weeks and as excited as I am, I am stressed about traveling, finances etc. I am also pissed that I am going home fatter than I did 2 years ago when everyone commented on how skinny I was all the time.

      Other than that, nothing new except the terrible weather up here. I am still attending a 12 step (christian) program for recovery from ED.But I am not “recovering”. I just barfed up dinner.

      Send me your news. Am sorry to hear about your work stress and weight gain. That is devastating.

      Stay strong and stay in touch! It made my day to hear from you.

      Love,
      FB

      • K says:

        Hello Love,

        I really have missed you, too! Our chats were always such a source of comfort and encouragement for me. I kind of disappeared from the blogging world for a bit. I’m sorry to hear you are going through a food and weight issue right now, but it is nice knowing that I am not alone. I feel like shit! I could not stop eating for the life of me. I know for me it was the stress of upcoming interviews and not getting interviews.

        So you mentioned that two sources of stress for you were the hypothyroidism and going to visit your family. They both seem to bother you because of your weight. If you were a weight you were happy with, would these things be bothering you?

        Because for me right now my main source of stress is how fat I am. What a sad, stupid vicious cycle. I get stressed, then I eat, then I get fat, and then I get stressed that I am fat, and then eat again.

        Was the work stress the trigger, do you think? I know it is so hard to pinpoint why we eat, but I think that if we could both figure that out, we have a better chance of stopping this maladaptive eating pattern. How long have you been having work stress? It really sucks working with sucky people šŸ˜¦ Is there anything you can do in that department i.e. try to resolve any conflicts or avoid the people?

        How is the 12-step program working for you? I applaud you for taking that step! I am too embarrassed to talk about my eating habits to anyone other than my therapist :/ For me, what I think will really “cure” me is finding a way to deal with stress and depression. And then, getting to a weight I am happier with. When I am skinny I am so much better around food. I guess I feel like I haven’t screwed things up so I can allow myself a little treat here and there. Now (when I am fat) I feel like I am too far gone so if I eat a bite of a cookie, I’ll just finish the whole damn box.

        How is everything else going in your life? I am very excited for you that you have 5 weeks off! That is amazing! I hope that you will be able to relax and concentrate on what makes you happy.

        Lots of love,
        K

  4. K says:

    Hi love,

    I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas! I hope you are having a nice time with your family. I unfortunately only have one day off and was unable to go home šŸ˜¦ Kind of depressing! I just watched Forks over Knives and it made me think of you and made me really rethink my high animal-protein diet. I think you may be on the right track šŸ™‚ Now if I could only stop stuffing food in and around my mouth…

    Love,
    K

    • Hi K,

      I am almost back in the land of internet and electricity so I will be posting again. Happy new year. Hope 2014 treats you well and that you flourish. Be happy and at peace. YOU are beautiful.

      Love, FB

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