WP Anniversary and WIAW

WP Anniversary and WIAW

Apparently today is one year since I started “Fat Ballerina”. Today I am not sick but I am also not recovered. I vaciIlate between these two states of being, adrift on a sea of ED. Lately I have tried harder than ever to surrender ED, to give it up and to let go. I am using my faith to keep me strong when I feel incredibly weak. I am going to trust God that in the end, after 20 years of suffering, I can walk away from this by His grace.

I am going to honour today with a list of what I ate. I have been ravenous lately. No matter how much I eat, I cannot be full. I am trying to eat more protein (sometimes non-vegan) and fill myself up with good things rather than binges. I find the food I ate today to be too much in content and volume. Here is the list (and yes, it scares me):

  • Protein shake with a shot of greens
  • Banana and apple
  • Oats with peanut butter and honey
  • Another banana and another apple
  • Half a block of tofu
  • Egg whites, spinach and lima beans
  • Greek yogurt and blueberries

I taught ballet all day. I went to hot yoga. I am about to go for a long trek in the hills and tomorrow I am starting an 8 week training program to run 5kms.

I feel too heavy, too fat and I wish I could just stop being hungry. It is distressing to me how I am so hungry all the time. I want to be thin, but today I don’t want to be sick in order to be thin. I have no answers but my heart is happy and I am at peace. For today, that is all that matters. It is enough.

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5 thoughts on “WP Anniversary and WIAW

  1. Ivy says:

    I do know the feeling, it seems like recently I just want to never stop eating.

    • Shame…me too. I am obsessed with oats with peanut butter and honey in them and also granola and greek yogurt. I just want to eat those all day long 😦

      • You want to eat because you exercise. Stop exercising and you will eat significantly less. It’s a fact. You eat so healthy there is no way you could be “fat”. Just keep working towards being heathy. Not in body, but in mind.

  2. royaltyandrainbows says:

    “…but today I don’t want to be sick in order to be thin.”
    I think that’s the important part. I don’t think it’s wrong to want to be thin (though hopefully “thin” is still in a healthy weight range), but remembering that you don’t want to be sick in order to achieve that is important, and easy to forget.

    • I think this week I realized that is my biggest struggle….I want to be recovered but I still want to be abnormally thin for my body type/build/genetics. I want to be skinny AND healthy! I think that is why I relapse so often. I have never found that balance.

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