Last night I resisted the urge to purge after dinner at a friend’s house where I drank too much wine and ate too much cheese and had too much fun.
Today I resisted the urge to binge after seeing my ex-boyfriend biking down the road in my neighbourhood. Instead, I went to the grocery store and went on a fruit rampage. I feel like I have forgotten how to eat real food. I drink protein/green supplements and choose only safe foods from a really restricted list or I binge, purge and starve. I snack but I rarely eat a meal that stays down.
At the grocery store, I bought one of everything that took my fancy:
I have such a restricted list of safe foods, that I can’t remember when I last ate any fruit other than grapes.
I have been trying to stick to healthier, vegan eating and resist the urge to starve, binge, purge and abuse laxatives. I have been going to yoga almost everyday.
I still hate the sight of my body and whenever I eat healthier for a few days, I feel like I have blown up and expanded too much. I can only keep this up for a few days at a time before I have an ED episode. Still, another day of resisting ED is better than nothing even if I am not strong enough to quell the urge tomorrow. I could have used seeing my ex as an excuse to be traumatized enough to binge. I didn’t.
I felt all sorts of things when I saw him cycling by nonchalantly: loss, heartbreak, sadness, rage, anger, abandonment, relief, peace…. It has been almost 7 months now since I left him and ended all contact with him and I reminded myself that I could still be in that situation anytime I wanted. Loving him did not mean that he loved me. Leaving him did not mean that I didn’t love him but, I deserve better than what he had to offer. My heart just takes too long to let go.