Crazy Conversations

Crazy Conversations

“You’re here for your physical?” asks the nurse. “Let me weigh you.”

“Please, please don’t tell me what I weigh,” I beg.

She laughs.

“Really, it is better for me if I don’t know my weight. I will be happier.”

“Close your eyes then,” she says as I step on the scale. “I want you to be happy today.”

She weighs me and measures my height.

“It’s not bad. You’re not heavy,” she says as I step off.

“I’m in ballet,” I retort. “I’m always heavy.”

She laughs again. She pulls out a tape measure to measure my waist. I squeeze my eyes shut as she writes my stats down. “Tiny waist. I would love that waist,” she says.

She puts the piece of paper with numbers on the doctors desk. “Put this gown on and wait. Doctor will be in in a few minutes.”

She walks out and closes the door. She leaves me alone with that piece of paper that taunts me and mocks me and begs me to look at it. I sit on the bed in a gown looking at my horrible legs. I am rooted there. Weighed down.

I couldn’t look at that piece of paper. All of me summed up in numbers that are too big. I didn’t have the strength. It seemed time had stood still as I sat there deliberating what to do.

At last the door opened and the doctor walked in. She checked my over; looked at my bloodwork; refilled my prescriptions. “Any concerns?” she asked.

“My weight,” I replied.

“I can give you a referral,” she replied. My heart sank. She had not refuted my comment. She didn’t look at me and say the magic words ‘there is nothing wrong with your weight’.

I know she thinks I am crazy but, I took that as damning evidence. I took the referral and left. I crumpled up that little piece of paper and tossed it in a garbage can. I walked on into the day into starvation and bingeing and purging.

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11 thoughts on “Crazy Conversations

  1. iamthewalkingdead87 says:

    Nurses. it does not suprise me how ognorant and atupid nost people are. the amount of things that have been said to me by proffessionals is sickening. urgh sorry this happened tonyou

  2. rheasofhope says:

    Don’t let ignorant people negatively effect your health (easier said than done, I know). People like that are never going to understand what it is like to have an eating disorder. They are going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, stereotype you and do all sorts of other stupid shit…the important thing is that you don’t allow it to offset your recovery. If I had a penny for every time someone (strangers, doctors, even my own therapist at times) has said something stupid pertaining to my eating disorder, I would never have to go to work again. Their comments still hurt me, they start the ed thoughts rolling and they make me question myself. BUT, part of recovery is ignoring the ignorance of others, doing what is healthy for YOU, and trusting that recovery is worth it (because it is). I am sorry you’re surrounded by idiots. Remember ballerina girl, you are smarter than ED and all the stupid people making comments about your life. Keep your head up and press on towards health. You are worthy of health. Take care!

    • Thank you for your kind words! Some days I need to hear that. I will try remember to ignore their ignorance rather than take each comment to heart. You are so sweet!

      • rheasofhope says:

        I say it because it is true. YOU are worthy…of love, of life, of health, of every good and wonderful thing. It is hardest to convince ourselves of that worthiness, though.
        In terms of taking things to heart…my friend has the motto of Q-TIP (Quit Taking It Personally). Every time I misinterpret, take to heart or allow stupid comments to set me back…she hands me a q-tip to remind me that I’m being ridiculous. It sounds dumb, but it reminds me that my ED is talking and not me.

      • I love this! What an amazing idea. Thanks for sharing. I constantly need to be reminded when ED is talking.

  3. lilavanhoe says:

    “Close your eyes then, I want you to be happy today” So simple! If only! Wonderful post.

  4. jemicdre says:

    I was wondering how your trip to the dr went…but haven’t been able to check up on anybody or read anyone else’s post till today!
    I really do like that she said that she wanted you to be happy today…but your dr? Ugh…so many times I’ve heard dr’s say ignorant things!

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