Scales. They make ED tremble. It is like seeing Satan when I look at one of these things. Some days I would rather do battle with demons and dragons than step foot on a scale.
Tomorrow I am going to the doctor for a physical. I will have to be weighed and it is causing me (more) anxiety. The nurse always weighs me backwards and never tells me the number but, I still panic. How much? The answer will forever be “too much”. Am I up or down since my last physical? I don’t want to know even though I do because I know the results will devastate me. Of course to add insult to injury, it is a few days before my period where I bloat and retain water in ridiculous amounts.
I have refused to weigh myself lately for a number of reasons:
1. I’m in denial about how much I weigh
2. I am trying to be recovered and it sends me spiralling
3. It is a very depressing way to start each day with your mood and actions being dictated by three little numbers. (Yes, I said three because the last time I weighed in at only double digits, I was probably ten…..maybe eight.)
So, tonight I have purged in preparation for my weigh in tomorrow. I have done ballet and yoga and still feel infinitely too fat. Wish me luck. I have lunch with friends after the physical and I am envisaging egg whites and salad!