Way Back When

Way Back When

Way back when I was purely anorexic (that heavenly time before I ever knew the hell of bulimia), I discovered a weight loss powder called – amazingly – “weigh less”. At 14 I convinced my parents* to buy it for me and I started replacing breakfast and lunch with it and only eating dinner.

At first I had the recommended scoop in the recommended amount of milk. Then, I started diluting the milk with water. Then, I had all water. Then, I halved the scoop. I ate vegetables for dinner.

I remember concerned friends commenting on how thin I was. I remember standing in a night shirt in front of my mirror and realizing for the first time that I was thin, that I had dropped a noticeable amount of weight. Even my perpetually large thighs and calves had become skinny.**

I was high. I was euphoric. I had the will to starve. I wish those days back. I really do. Now I am caught in binge/purge/ex-lax hell. I try to replace my meal with liquid. I try to get the high from starving but after switching to bulimia, it is too easy to purge and then deal with it afterwards.

*One day I plan to ask my mom just what they were thinking to let me go along with that bright idea. I also want to know why they agreed to buy me a “thigh master” for my sweet 16 so I could exercise obsessively and if I was actually as fat as I remember at ten when I started engaging in ED. I don’t have the courage to raise the subject just yet especially because they have no idea just how much I have suffered and for how long. We don’t live in the same country so it is easy to hide.

**I have yet to find a photo from this time to see how skinny I actually got. I will keep looking.

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11 thoughts on “Way Back When

  1. worschula says:

    you began so early!
    may I ask…were you really happy when you were anorexic?

  2. jemicdre says:

    I understand that feeling…of wishing you could go back to where you could exist on practically nothing…the power you felt because you could do what most could not. That’s where I am right now…wishing I could do that.
    My mom had brought up to me senior year before prom to go on a crash diet. So she was the first one who put not eating into my head. It took awhile for me to actually get a chance to do it, but I started doing it when I was too poor to really buy food, and was basically effortless to continue when I did get money for food.
    You and me seem so much alike. I imagine I’m a HECK of a lot heavier than you, though. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

    • Hmmm…you are right we seem alike. I am 30 years old and have had ED for 20 years. I currently don’t weigh myself so I can’t even give you a rough estimate of my weight. I’m kind of in denial about how much weight I gained and I cannot bare to look at a scale right now! I wear a size 4 (US).

      Hope you’re doing well today ๐Ÿ™‚

      • jemicdre says:

        I started weighing myself everyday to give myself a baseline of how much, or little, I’m allowed to eat and to see how bad I messed up the day before (I usually do).

        I’m 27 and wear a size 20…at my thinnest I was almost down to a 14, but I already looked really skinny. My bone structure isn’t made for a size 4…my personal trainer told me if I had no boobs (which have always been large, I lost none when I lost 70 pounds before) and had very little body fat, I’d still weigh about 145…so that was a pretty impossible goal for me. At my thinnest I was 180…I would like, ideally, to be a size 8 or 10, but I’m afraid that’s never going to happen.

      • I need to start weighing again but it is such a vicious and depressing cycle. My whole day is dictated by those numbers on a scale.

        Genetics and set point theory are so discouraging. I have an hour glass figure with boobs and a bum and naturally weigh around 140-150. I have always wanted to be around 100-110 but at my thinnest (as an adult), have made it to around 122. I would hate to think what I am right now but I am guessing about 135. I really like my body a lot more when it is thinner. I just hate that I am fighting a build that isn’t meant to be thin.

        I feel your pain. I think it doesn’t matter what we weigh….we suffer the same. I wish you health and happiness.

      • jemicdre says:

        Thank you. And you’re right…when we’re not happy with our weight, size clothes, looks, fitness level, etc…we all suffer the same…

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