Way back when I was purely anorexic (that heavenly time before I ever knew the hell of bulimia), I discovered a weight loss powder called – amazingly – “weigh less”. At 14 I convinced my parents* to buy it for me and I started replacing breakfast and lunch with it and only eating dinner.
At first I had the recommended scoop in the recommended amount of milk. Then, I started diluting the milk with water. Then, I had all water. Then, I halved the scoop. I ate vegetables for dinner.
I remember concerned friends commenting on how thin I was. I remember standing in a night shirt in front of my mirror and realizing for the first time that I was thin, that I had dropped a noticeable amount of weight. Even my perpetually large thighs and calves had become skinny.**
I was high. I was euphoric. I had the will to starve. I wish those days back. I really do. Now I am caught in binge/purge/ex-lax hell. I try to replace my meal with liquid. I try to get the high from starving but after switching to bulimia, it is too easy to purge and then deal with it afterwards.
*One day I plan to ask my mom just what they were thinking to let me go along with that bright idea. I also want to know why they agreed to buy me a “thigh master” for my sweet 16 so I could exercise obsessively and if I was actually as fat as I remember at ten when I started engaging in ED. I don’t have the courage to raise the subject just yet especially because they have no idea just how much I have suffered and for how long. We don’t live in the same country so it is easy to hide.
**I have yet to find a photo from this time to see how skinny I actually got. I will keep looking.