*Disclaimer: Man Bashing Ahead*
Today I have had my fill of stupid things men say and do. Read my last post (https://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/anxiety-and-eating-disorders/) about my dumb ass roommate (I am not feeling very Christian towards him right now) for a run down on idiocy.
Recently I started chatting to a man, let’s call him DB (because those are his initials). We met online and had coffee once for an hour as our first ‘date’. It was alright but not universe altering. Since then we have talked on the phone a few times and he mentioned “getting together” this weekend. I have tried a handful of dates since my terrible break up 6 months ago and they were all epic failures especially the one that resulted in a restraining order (https://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/stalkers/).
DB seems to check all the important things off the list but, like any one else afflicted with male gene, he has proved his stupidity already. He called today after telling me he would be in town on the weekend and said nonchalantly, “I was wondering if I could hang out with you this afternoon”.
The old me (pre break up), would have cleared my schedule to be accommodating for someone that I like. The new me (who has since discovered what I term ‘The Dating Bible’), barely concealed a snort of derision.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea you were in town. If I had known, perhaps we could have made plans. My schedule is full today.”
My schedule is full of sitting at home blogging, binge eating, purging and laughing at this man. I would be thrilled to see him and to go on a date with him but after reading the book “Why Men Marry Bitches”, I have learned that being available at the drop of a hat is a big no-no. If you are a female, I advise you to read this book:
In my last post, I wrote about how I am too nice and how that means people try to take advantage of me. Cue my last relationship. W and I were set up by a friend, hit it off immediately and fell in love. We had the most amazing three years together in which we traveled, adventured and just generally had a stellar relationship in which we were both, admittedly, happy. Even the weekend before I broke up with him we went away to the mountains, wined, dined, frolicked and had sex like teenagers.
Wait…I digress. Back to the beginning of our relationship. I liked him so I didn’t play games. We both, ostensibly, wanted the same things: to travel, get married, have kids and enjoy our hard won careers. So, I was always available, I rearranged my schedule and eventually my life for him. I was the perfect girlfriend and his family and friends adored me. I cooked, cleaned, kept house, had intelligent conversations, wore sexy lingerie and made his wildest dreams come true. I made him my priority, put him first, put up with some of his quirks, sacrificed everything I could for him, changed, moved and gave him everything his heart desired. Guess who he didn’t want to marry after 3 years? Yup. This idiot.
He had commitment issues and I learned that no matter what I did, no matter how amazing I was, he didn’t want me. This book talks about breaking all those rules. Loosely summed up it talks about not being available at short notice when a man doesn’t take the time to make a plan. Not being available when he tries to squeeze you in between water polo and wings with the boys. Not being available when he starts to take you for granted. All the things I did wrong because I believed that the more I did for him, the more he would want me. I believed that he would see me for who I was: loving, generous, kind. He didn’t. He strung me along for 3 years without having the man courage (balls) to tell me he would never marry me thanks to his deep rooted issues and f**ked up childhood. I performed relationship acrobatics like a trained monkey without realizing that I was not the problem. He was.
Cue to present day. After reading this book, I have decided that it can’t hurt to change my tactic. I am 30 and divorced (a young, brief marriage to a serial cheater) and have started to recovery from my last long term relationship sufficiently to get back in the “game”.
That is why this book is so brilliant. It talks about how men love the thrill of the chase, about how once they feel that they have “caught” you, they stop caring and you become less appealing. There are many great examples in the book about bad boy behaviour and disrespect.
He didn’t make a plan and wants you to drop everything to see him spontaneously? Too bad. You are very busy. Perhaps you are busy taking a bubble bath and drinking wine but, you are too busy for him to expect that your schedule is empty.
He doesn’t call? Don’t be available when he does call. Take your time in getting back to him.
He blows off plans? Tell him to get back to you when he has sorted his issues out and until then your time is precious.
I always believed that I didn’t want to play games with men but, now I think of it more as training. When DB called this afternoon to see me this very same afternoon, he probably wasn’t trying to insinuate that I had nothing better to do but hang out with him. (By the way get some manners and ask a lady out on a proper date. “Hang out”? What is this? High school?)
Had I gone to see him at such short notice, he would subconsciously realize that he could come into town whenever he felt like it, unannounced and without the decency of making a plan and I would – ta da – be available. I nonchalantly made tentative plans with DB for tomorrow, based on my schedule instead.
In short, after reading this book, I have learned that I can still be nice but that I need more self respect. I deserve better and I am not bending over backwards for another man who, most likely, will not reciprocate. If he is interested in a life with me, then he can make me his priority. He can accommodate me and make sacrifices for me and be available for me. He can cook and clean and keep house and perform relationship acrobatics to keep me interested. I will no longer play the Stepford housewife so willingly. I have realized that they pay off is not an engagement ring and a lifetime with the man I love. The pay off is mortgaging your soul, moving 3 times in one year and waking up alone and homeless because of what you gave up to make it work. Being burned has its advantages – you finally learn some hard lessons.
Last month I made plans to go on a first date with a man called Nathan. I was excited for the first time since forever. He text me once to reschedule, last minute, because of “an emergency at work”. I acquiesced after giving him the benefit of the doubt. The next date rolled along and he text me (again, he didn’t call) to postpone our date because of a hockey game. I wished him well in life and told him politely to take a hike. He was so confused. He told me he didn’t understand what had just happened.
And that, fellow bloggers, is what is wrong with men. Chronic stupidity that can’t be cured.