Male Stupidity and The Dating Bible

Male Stupidity and The Dating Bible

*Disclaimer: Man Bashing Ahead*

Today I have had my fill of stupid things men say and do. Read my last post (https://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/anxiety-and-eating-disorders/) about my dumb ass roommate (I am not feeling very Christian towards him right now) for a run down on idiocy.

Recently I started chatting to a man, let’s call him DB (because those are his initials). We met online and had coffee once for an hour as our first ‘date’. It was alright but not universe altering. Since then we have talked on the phone a few times and he mentioned “getting together” this weekend. I have tried a handful of dates since my terrible break up 6 months ago and they were all epic failures especially the one that resulted in a restraining order (https://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/stalkers/).

DB seems to check all the important things off the list but, like any one else afflicted with male gene, he has proved his stupidity already. He called today after telling me he would be in town on the weekend and said nonchalantly, “I was wondering if I could hang out with you this afternoon”.

The old me (pre break up), would have cleared my schedule to be accommodating for someone that I like. The new me (who has since discovered what I term ‘The Dating Bible’), barely concealed a snort of derision.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea you were in town. If I had known, perhaps we could have made plans. My schedule is full today.”

My schedule is full of sitting at home blogging, binge eating, purging and laughing at this man. I would be thrilled to see him and to go on a date with him but after reading the book “Why Men Marry Bitches”, I have learned that being available at the drop of a hat is a big no-no. If you are a female, I advise you to read this book:

http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Men-Marry-Bitches-Winning/dp/074327637X

In my last post, I wrote about how I am too nice and how that means people try to take advantage of me. Cue my last relationship. W and I were set up by a friend, hit it off immediately and fell in love. We had the most amazing three years together in which we traveled, adventured and just generally had a stellar relationship in which we were both, admittedly, happy. Even the weekend before I broke up with him we went away to the mountains, wined, dined, frolicked and had sex like teenagers.

Wait…I digress. Back to the beginning of our relationship. I liked him so I didn’t play games. We both, ostensibly, wanted the same things: to travel, get married, have kids and enjoy our hard won careers. So, I was always available, I rearranged my schedule and eventually my life for him. I was the perfect girlfriend and his family and friends adored me. I cooked, cleaned, kept house, had intelligent conversations, wore sexy lingerie and made his wildest dreams come true. I made him my priority, put him first, put up with some of his quirks, sacrificed everything I could for him, changed, moved and gave him everything his heart desired. Guess who he didn’t want to marry after 3 years? Yup. This idiot.

He had commitment issues and I learned that no matter what I did, no matter how amazing I was, he didn’t want me. This book talks about breaking all those rules. Loosely summed up it talks about not being available at short notice when a man doesn’t take the time to make a plan. Not being available when he tries to squeeze you in between water polo and wings with the boys. Not being available when he starts to take you for granted. All the things I did wrong because I believed that the more I did for him, the more he would want me. I believed that he would see me for who I was: loving, generous, kind. He didn’t. He strung me along for 3 years without having the man courage (balls) to tell me he would never marry me thanks to his deep rooted issues and f**ked up childhood. I performed relationship acrobatics like a trained monkey without realizing that I was not the problem. He was.

Cue to present day. After reading this book, I have decided that it can’t hurt to change my tactic. I am 30 and divorced (a young, brief marriage to a serial cheater) and have started to recovery from my last long term relationship sufficiently to get back in the “game”.

That is why this book is so brilliant. It talks about how men love the thrill of the chase, about how once they feel that they have “caught” you, they stop caring and you become less appealing. There are many great examples in the book about bad boy behaviour and disrespect.

He didn’t make a plan and wants you to drop everything to see him spontaneously? Too bad. You are very busy. Perhaps you are busy taking a bubble bath and drinking wine but, you are too busy for him to expect that your schedule is empty.

He doesn’t call? Don’t be available when he does call. Take your time in getting back to him.

He blows off plans? Tell him to get back to you when he has sorted his issues out and until then your time is precious.

I always believed that I didn’t want to play games with men but, now I think of it more as training. When DB called this afternoon to see me this very same afternoon, he probably wasn’t trying to insinuate that I had nothing better to do but hang out with him. (By the way get some manners and ask a lady out on a proper date. “Hang out”? What is this? High school?)

Had I gone to see him at such short notice, he would subconsciously realize that he could come into town whenever he felt like it, unannounced and without the decency of making a plan and I would – ta da – be available. I nonchalantly made tentative plans with DB for tomorrow, based on my schedule instead.

In short, after reading this book, I have learned that I can still be nice but that I need more self respect. I deserve better and I am not bending over backwards for another man who, most likely, will not reciprocate. If he is interested in a life with me, then he can make me his priority. He can accommodate me and make sacrifices for me and be available for me. He can cook and clean and keep house and perform relationship acrobatics to keep me interested. I will no longer play the Stepford housewife so willingly. I have realized that they pay off is not an engagement ring and a lifetime with the man I love. The pay off is mortgaging your soul, moving 3 times in one year and waking up alone and homeless because of what you gave up to make it work. Being burned has its advantages – you finally learn some hard lessons.

Last month I made plans to go on a first date with a man called Nathan. I was excited for the first time since forever. He text me once to reschedule, last minute, because of “an emergency at work”. I acquiesced after giving him the benefit of the doubt. The next date rolled along and he text me (again, he didn’t call) to postpone our date because of a hockey game. I wished him well in life and told him politely to take a hike. He was so confused. He told me he didn’t understand what had just happened.

And that, fellow bloggers, is what is wrong with men. Chronic stupidity that can’t be cured.

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14 thoughts on “Male Stupidity and The Dating Bible

  1. xonthis says:

    I get what you’re saying about being a doormat, I definitely am. But with new men, its hard to tell when to draw the line. Maybe he suddenly got an amazing ticket for the hockey game with his best friend or with a potential client. What if he could have been someone special in your life?

    • I hear what you are saying but I just can’t be bothered. To me first dates are all about the impression that is made and he blew me off for a hockey game that he was playing (beer league) with his friends.

      From that behaviour, I can surmise that he isn’t going to be special in any way, shape or form!

  2. K says:

    I LOVE THIS. You are reading my mind. One of my posts reads almost like yours:

    “I cook him dinner and bake him cookies, wear cute Victoriaโ€™s Secret lingerie and love sex, and when we go out I look hot, am tons of fun and get along with his friends. And Iโ€™m not psycho bitch jealous or clingy like some girls are when they get into relationships.” (http://wp.me/s26tiK-699) But this gives me comfort, because even when we’re over, I know he’ll remember me as being an awesome girl to date. And that is the best revenge.

    But I do need to work on is being less available. I was, at the beginning of the relationship. (One of my struggles: http://wp.me/s26tiK-692). But then I started being available…because he was so unavailable! Literally, has 100hr work weeks at the hospital. It makes it so hard.

    And it is not “playing games”. When we are really angry with some one, we don’t go running up to them yelling in their faces and punching them, although this is what we honestly feel like doing. So, reciprocally, when we like some one, we also can’t smother them and treat them like royalty because it’s just not as socially acceptable in our culture. At least not in the beginning. And maybe it’s not as much of a taboo as punching some one out, but it sure as hell isn’t flattering either. And it can make the other person uncomfortable. So, I see no harm in having your own life ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Hahaha, yes I enjoyed your post on this topic as I identified with you so much.

      What I have learned is that we (women) are not lacking in anything. We have good hearts, intelligent minds, nice looks, great bodies (not by ED standards, but hey) and a whole slew of other attributes. We are independent and have good careers and interesting hobbies (except for ED, lol). We make good girlfriends, wives, mothers and home makers. Basically, I am going to put it out there…..we are the whole package.

      I have learned that you cannot fix broken men, nor should you have too (this gem of wisdom was from my ex-boyfriend’s best friend in reference to said ex). We all have to be aware of our faults, try to grow and evolve as a person everyday and deal with our baggage in order to have healthy, happy relationships.

      Sadly, I am dumb enough to fall in love with incomplete packages. Of course they never present themselves that way but they are everywhere! Men who don’t grow up or evolve. Men who are selfish and childish and who make promises that they are not man enough to keep. (My favourite was “we will be engaged this year”, from the man I broke up with at Christmas after another whole year had passed since that statement.)

      So, at the end of the day, we have our own lives. We enjoy them and live each day to the fullest. We do great, glorious and marvelous things with these lives and (maybe) one day someone worthy of us comes along and then it shouldn’t have to be a game. By then we will hopefully have learned our lesson: which ones to give the time of day too and which ones to pass on by.

      Ever heard that song “He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me”? I guess the theme of the last few men I have dated/spent time with is that they are just not man enough. Do you have that problem? Or is it just me?!

      • K says:

        Hey hun,

        I know it’s been a while since this post, but I would really love and value your opinion and support. I could talk to my friends but I’m sure they’re sick of my relationship drama and I feel so pathetic telling them my stupid problems. And you seem to have overcome hurdles none of them have and I think you are so strong because of it.

        So it’s about that resident I was dating – things were going so well, and then it seemed like all of a sudden he stopped asking me to do things about 2 weeks ago. I have no idea what I did. I saw him once after things started going weird, and I’m not sure if it was because we were hanging out with his friend, but things were different. I don’t know what I did and I so desperately want to see him but I know I need to stand my ground and not go running to him whenever he wants. The problem is, is that I feel like every time I see him is the last opportunity to have a great time (now it’s the 4th of July, and that’s a truly special occasion) so I always say yes. I need to make myself scarce. But at the same time I want to see him and make him remember how much fun we had and also say “Ok, so we should probably stop hanging out, right?” because I want to know what the hell happened and I want him to know that I’m not pathetic and clueless.

        So I’m sitting here like a pathetic idiot waiting for him to text me. And if he asks me to do something today (which I highly doubt he will, which breaks my heart) I know I should say no but I won’t be able to help myself. Help. When did I become such a needy pathetic girl letting some guy determine my self-esteem. I have this thing where I want to be the best girl every guy I’m with has ever dated, and I have no idea why this guy hasn’t fallen for me. And it always seems to happen that they appreciate me too late: after I dump them, they come back saying they love me and all this bullshit and that they’ll put more effort but it’s too f-ing late.

        Please give me the strength to say “no” to him!!

      • K,

        My heart goes out to you!

        1. Happy 4th of July
        2. I’m flattered that you want my advice
        3. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS

        I have been where you are so I totally get the whole dilemma between being unavailable and being the most amazing girlfriend in the world. It took me 3 years to realize that my ex-boyfriend was not man enough for me. By that, I mean that he was selfish with his time, always took care of his own needs, left me hanging without ever making a plan or a commitment and just generally gave me terrible anxiety. He didn’t love me in the true sense of the word. He kept me as an option and enjoyed the benefit of having a live in girlfriend who cooked, cleaned, threw dinner parties, took care of his family, baked cookies for his office staff, wore lingerie and made his every fantasy come true EVERY night of the week. In return, he couldn’t even be bothered to phone me when he went away for a few days. He couldn’t be bothered to text me. He couldn’t be bothered to tell me that he didn’t have it in him to tell me the truth….that he was never going to marry me no matter what I did. I made the mistake of trying to show him by giving more and more of myself, what an amazing life we had together.

        Let me tell you that in the end I was exhausted, lost everything, ended up homeless when we broke up and it came down to the fact that he was not evolved enough to recognize what was in front of him. His best friend told me “it is not your job to fix a broken man”. Unfortunately, there are too many of these “men” in their 30s and 40s giving us the run around because they don’t have their lives together.

        It took a long time for me to realize that I WAS the best girlfriend to him that I could possibly be and he did not deserve me. He was not ready to embrace the best thing that ever happened to him. He was 31 and dealing with commitment issues, no idea where he was going in life and sucked into a bad spiral with his unbelievably effed up family.

        I loved him soooooooooo much that I walked away the day after he told me he “thought” he might be happier without me, but he wasn’t really sure.

        I honestly want to tell you that this man is not worth your time, feelings or energy. I know that once you are involved it is so hard to see it, but in hindsight you will wonder why you bothered wasting time on him.

        You deserve a real man. A man who wants you and makes you know it. A man who phones and makes dates and plans and commitments. A man who sweeps you off your feet and treats you like the wonderful human being you are. You are worthy of that, so if you have the strength, just walk away from this situation. If he actually has feelings for you, he may come running. In my experience (sadly), they let you walk away.

        Any man that will let you go, is not worth having.

        I really want you to read the book I talk about in this post called “Why Men Marry Bitches”. I never talk about books changing my life (except maybe, the Bible), but this one did. It made me realize that I had been putting up with nonsense for no good reason. It taught me to have more dignity and pride and to value my time and feelings. I was always the girl who would do anything for the man she loved. I even gave up my cats for my ex-boyfriend. He never even said thank you, much less proposed to me. I have learned that there is being a good girlfriend and then there is being a doormat, being taken advantage, being taken for a ride and being strung along.

        I don’t say any of this without knowing exactly where you are and exactly how awful it feels to be waiting for that text. Why can’t they man up and phone?!

        Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I am always here to talk and you can even email if you want instead.

        You are so much stronger than you know. I know you have it in you to do the right thing for you. That is what is so important……taking care of you because these “men” surely won’t!

        I wish you courage to make the best decision for your needs and the peace to live with it. If you choose to let him go then realize that letting go is something you do everyday. It has been 7 months since I left my ex-boyfriend and when I saw him cycling down the street last weekend, it still broke my heart. But, I reminded myself that anytime I wanted I could still be in that dead end relationship with a man that didn’t love, cherish or value me. I drove down the road smiling with relief that I had escaped a life that would have been wrong and a man who did not deserve me at all. It might have hurt but it gets easier everyday knowing that I loved myself enough to walk away.

        Lately, I have embarked on a few dates and have implemented my new dating bible tips immediately. At the first sign of bad behaviour or neglect, I tell them to take a hike. If they blow me off or fail to make a plan or try and postpone a date for hockey, I get rid of them. When they don’t text, I don’t text. When they call, I don’t drop what I am doing and answer. I am unavailable. I have a busy, rich, full and exciting life. I find I spend a lot less time being anxious and I no longer wait around for a call or even worse, a text. My biggest peeve in my last relationship was how much time I spent waiting for him. I don’t do it anymore and it is very freeing, empowering and I also have a lot more time now! I think for me, it is easier to go into a new relationship having read that book. Some of them are trainable. Sadly, when you’re already involved, you cannot retrain them or get them to break bad habits.

        I found this quote helpful: “the heart that truly loves, never forgets”. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. Some people just aren’t meant to be in your life no matter how hard you try. If he wants to be in your life then he should be the one trying. When I look back, I see clearly what I couldn’t see when I was in the situation. You will too.

        Always remember this: it’s not you….it’s them!

        Be strong, my friend.

        FB

      • K says:

        Hello hun,

        Hope you had a nice weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

        I wanted to share with you that I decided to end it with that resident. I went over to talk to him yesterday. I told him “We knew this was supposed to be just for fun and short-term, so why wouldn’t you just tell me you wanted to stop hanging out?” It turns out he still wanted to hang out and he wasn’t flaking out on me on purpose. That’s why he invited me to hang out a week ago before I went out of town.

        This totally took me aback because I was convinced he was trying to end it. I had no idea what to do. I knew I deserved better and that I should walk away but a part of me still wanted to win him over. We cuddled and I tried to have sex with him (I love sex, but the only “problem” is, is that it has to be with some one I really like… so it’s not like I can just get it anywhere, and maybe that’s another reason why I want to be in a relationship…) He said the mood wasn’t right because of our talk and that he was really tired, and don’t read into it. But I knew something was up. He must have been getting it elsewhere. And I was right – this morning I found condoms in his garbage. Yes, I went crazy and went through his garbage. Not my proudest moment. But I needed proof so that I wouldn’t drive myself crazy with speculations. And I got it. It’s what I needed to truly move on.

        I’m not even going to tell him that I decided to stop seeing him… I’m just going to be scarce and let him be confused. Or he might not give a shit. I do hope he tries though. Whatever the case, I need to show him that I am worth more than that and that I choose my self-respect over him. And then I am going to get my life back together – work out, go to therapy, study for my medical exam and get f-ing hot. And I might try to pick up some hobbies, like golfing or surfing – which are both things he does, but for some reason I feel like it would help me get over him. And then I am going to post pictures on Facebook of me looking hot and living my busy, rich, full and exciting life ๐Ÿ™‚

        Lots of love,
        K

        P.S. I spent all Saturday night with a guy I met on July 4th and his friends and I had a blast. He was affectionate and caring and attentive. And he goes to MIT for math!!! I don’t want to jump into anything right now but it was nice knowing that there are better people out there and that a girl like me won’t have problems finding them ๐Ÿ™‚

      • K,

        I had a great weekend thanks for asking. I also met a nice guy and spent time with him and it is refreshing to be with someone that is “affectionate and caring and attentive” as you noted. I have missed that for a long time. I will keep you posted if it goes anywhere and you must let me know if MIT turns out to be anything more. I am just glad to hear that you had fun with a nice guy. You really needed that, even just to be reminded that it is out there.

        As for your resident…..

        I would smack him silly if I could but in my experience men that are that dumb will never change. The best thing we can do is move on and realize that the penny will not drop for them at all. I always hoped the day would come when my ex would wake up and realize that he had lost something wonderful but he wasn’t smart enough to see it or appreciate it when it was in front of him so why would he notice afterwards? Mostly men are really are shallow and unevolved.They are selfish and can only think about themselves in my limited, opinionated experience. There are a few gems out there but oh how few and far between and how desperately hard they are to locate! (Someone should make an app to help us out!)

        I am so sad that you found condoms in his garbage but I am glad that it gave you the strength to walk away. How cruel of him to do that.

        I applaud you for your decision to stop seeing him. You are so strong. Sometimes our heads know what are hearts will not admit. I do not think you are crazy for going through his garbage, I think that you had a gut instinct that something was amiss. He wasn’t being honest with you and you knew that so you did what you needed to to get an answer.

        I used to think I was nuts for snooping around my ex-husbands emails or texts or credit card bills until I discovered he was cheating on me. In my heart of hearts I knew, I had a sense something was wrong so I did the taboo thing and in the end it served me well. I ended our brief 2 year marriage and never looked back.

        Even with my last boyfriend that I had 3 happy years with, I always felt that he was hiding something from me. I never found any physical evidence when I looked for it but in the end I realized why I was looking for something…..because he was hiding the truth that he wasn’t going to marry me and he wouldn’t be honest. He was lying to me and my intuition had kicked in. I knew something was amiss. I had the gut instinct. I was just too stupid to figure it out sooner. I think our women’s intuition is almost always correct. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself and always know that it is NOT you…..its him. Always.

        I think you have a great plan to get your life back to normal without the resident now. I like that you are going to focus on yourself. I think when we get into relationships we tend to give ourselves to them so much so that we start to lose sight of what we did before we were with that person. We forget that we used to have a life before them. Before we were consumed with anxiety and obsessed with why they don’t call or text or want to see us. AAAAAARGHHHHHH…..such a waste of our precious time and energy being in that negative place. All I know is that a real man should make you feel at ease and real love will not leave you sitting alone and wondering what is going on. You deserve that and you will find it.

        I might have said this once before, but I like to repeat myself: his loss. Not yours. His. Always.

        I hope you enjoy discovering new hobbies while you are lavishing attention on yourself. Go to the spa. Get a mani/pedi. Buy a cute outfit. Have your hair done. Drink wine with the girls. Laugh a lot. Life is beautiful and so are you.

        Let me know how you are doing in the meantime. I hope that your heart will be strong through all of this.

        Much love,
        J

      • K says:

        Dear J,

        How have you been? I hope you are well and enjoying your teaching ๐Ÿ™‚ I am puttering along, dealing with each day as it comes. I thought I was strong (http://skinnybitchms.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/thats-a-dealbreaker-ladies/) but for some reason I am losing my anger and want to give in. We still have kept in touch through a daily text and for some reason I still want to make him fall for me. It’s like validation for my self-esteem. He was really getting there before – texting me everyday and wanting to see me so much, and it felt good. I crave that attention and warmth again. He’s been extremely attentive since I’ve gotten back from my trip (in terms of staying in touch), and that gives me a false sense of hope.

        Accckkkk!!! I don’t know what to do. I want to make him suffer by wanting me and by being hard to get. But I don’t know if part of that is just because I still want to see him. I don’t want to spend energy and time thinking of him and of ways to spend time with him anymore. But I feel like if I make myself scarce he will just lose interest.

        I’ve been very productive lately, studying for my exam, working on some research, working out (just upper body weights so far) and being social (I met some other new friends on the 4th of July and just met up with them… one of them is a gorgeously adorable guy), but I feel like no matter how busy I am, my mind always wanders back to him. It’s getting slightly better…

        It breaks my heart and makes me sick to my stomach knowing he was in bed with some one else, and the cuddling and chatting.. and I’m dying to know who it is. I wonder if it was a one-night stand, or a girl he’s known for a while. He spent so much time with me last month that I don’t understand how he could have had another girl on the side. I hope it was just a one-night stand.

        Sigh… I’m obsessing… I’m going to go meet up with a friend at a coffee shop now to study, and get out of the apartment. I’m sorry for my whining and I hope you don’t feel like I am relying on you too much. I’m just so… conflicted ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

        xoxo
        K

      • Dear K,

        I sympathize. Walking away is hard to put into practice especially when you still hear from them and, like you say, it gives you false hope.

        I don’t think there is a right or wrong in these situations. I think you have to protect yourself and do what you feel is right in the end. I know the feeling of wanting to make them fall for you, or revive interest. Sometimes taking a step away and breaking communication off will give you clarity. He may come running or you may never hear from him again.

        Sadly, most men need to be trained and sometimes we get lucky and it works. Any progress with that guy from the weekend? Did you see him again?

        Don’t worry about obsessing…..we all do it and then kick ourselves. Some days you just have to go through the motions and I have found that you can’t short circuit grieving or letting go. In the end as long as you are happy that is all that matters.

        I am wishing you that happiness and peace in your heart regarding the resident.

        Keep me posted!

        Love,
        J

      • K says:

        Hi J,

        I’ve felt absolutely rotten about my resident. I think it’s because our “break up” came totally out of the blue and I have no idea why he would want to stop hanging out with me. There was no warning. No signs of trouble. That’s what’s the most devastating. I thought I had won him over.

        I went for a little trip the last few days to visit friends from home and for my best friend’s birthday, and it was the exact distraction I needed. I was so happy that I was going to go out of town to party while he was stuck at the hospital working. Then I see on Facebook that he went out of town for a concert that he had originally invited me to a few months ago. That felt great.

        So I have totally broken off communication with him and I have this sick, ridiculous hope that he will come running back to me. What a fantasy. It’s not even HIM that I miss per se, it was feeling needed and the regular sex and having some one to check out new restaurants with and cuddle in bed with. And like I said, the hardest part is that I have no idea what happened. My best friend told me this weekend that I deserve to be with some one that is so excited to see me and be with me, and that stuck in my head. I’ve always believed that and I’m not sure where I lost sight of that. I was selling myself short.

        Thanks again for all the support ๐Ÿ™‚

        Love,
        K

  3. worschula says:

    you deserve SO MUCH better than these “men”!

  4. Bebe says:

    This post really resonated with me. I’ve been following your blog for a while and it makes me feel like I’m not the only person on earth trying to work my way through life. I was bulimic in my teens and stopped purging at 17. But since then, I’ve been struggling to keep my weight down. The past 12 years has been a series of bad relationships and I’m so frustrated. The last one told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship, refused to take me out on real dates, and I accepted last minute plans to “hang out.” It resulted in him dumping me for a girl he was seeing at the same time as me. And she’s thin. Thinner than I will ever be. And they’re really happy together. I felt like I had my heart ripped out.

    Now, I’m attempting to focus on what I want out of life and trying to stay healthy instead of giving into the desire to binge and starve myself. As women, we think that if we do everything men want, then of course the guy will see us as an incredible person and give us the same treatment in return. It simply isn’t true. We need to let men show us that they are worth our time.

    Thank you for having the courage to be so public about a battle a lot of us are fighting privately. I hope you will be able to get well and gain everything you desire from life.

    • Thank you so much for sharing you story with me. You owe it to yourself to take care of you and only give a man who deserves it your time and energy.

      I am sorry that you have had such bad experiences but, I feel the solidarity in sharing them. We know we are not alone. Stay strong.

      FB

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